If, like me, you hate people trying to be funny and/or interesting, you'll find this post repugnant.
I don't like jokes. I don't like people who tell them. I don't like people who laugh at them. I especially hate people who post them on Twitter. But I seem to find myself doing it on a daily basis.
I'm like a hard line anti-drugs campaigner who finds themselves seduced by the horse. Or drugs.
I'm going to present these shame-nuggets here, in list form. It will take me much longer than you'd imagine, and will generate no feedback.
But this is my way of expunging that great evil from my life. You are like my therapist (imaginary), and it's your job to read these, shake your head(s), roll your eyes and newspaper, and pat me reassuringly on the leg.
Is this anything to be proud of?
I'll indicate which of these I am proud of (if any).
That's right, it's time for another anthology of:
Sentences of Limited Length and Limited Appeal
(By the way, I should have explained something about tweets for those that don't use Twitter. If you see a link at the end of a tweet beginning with #, it is a 'hashtag'.
These might have been created and used by others (and I'm joining in the game), or I might have 'created' my own ridiculous hashtag for the purposes of comedy and self-worth. Think of them as contextualisers.)
***
The USS Enterprise was a Galaxy-class starship. Just below the Cadbury-class. The shuttlecraft were Minstrels.
***
The last time I pushed a load of toilet roll tubes together to make a sword was 2006.
***
If you break a twig in two, you have two twigs. It's infinitely divisible, like crumbs and mice.
***
It's my sole goal to eat a bread roll whole. #goals
***
My earliest memory is of the time I dressed as an Earl. (I've never done anything else remotely earlish)
***
People forget that the word "smoothie" was originally a terrible slur against the hairless.
***
I've decided to be less facetious. Sincerity is the way forward. All my tweets after this one will be entirely genuine and serious.
***
My last tweet was a lie.
***
It may seem similar to The Fountain of Youth, but try to avoid The Fountain of Puberty. It's basically just full of spunk and pus and Lynx.
***
If you falsely deny knowledge of Iran in court, you might get convicted of Persiary.
***
I don't think I could spontaneously combust, but could probably do so with just a little prodding. #peerpressure
***
I could also be press-ganged into becoming soft leather. I'm easily suede. #peerpressure
***
I find it hard to urinate onto fruit if people are staring, especially on a Brighton boardwalk. #peerpressure #pearpressure #pierpressure
***
I just thought I'd get those out the way. Feel free to do #pierrepressure in your own head.
***
You have to keep cereal in a cool, dry place. So I've shipped eight crates of Shreddies to a hipster DJ friend's arid loft apartment.
***
It's impossible for anyone to accurately judge the artistic merit of anything they first encountered before the age of 19.
***
It's difficult for Northerners to be grateful Christians. Because whenever you say "Ta" to Jesus, there's a stigma attached to it.
***
I just ate some key lime pie. The most important lime pie by far.
***
I'm slightly anal when it comes to sound. I only like my volume set to an even number. Also, I insist on having an even number of ears.
***
"Should I start locking my Canadian golf supplies shop?" "Does a bear shit in the woods?" "Um..." #conversationsthatmighthappen
***
I'm a method actor. I've been researching this part for 28 years. When the casting call goes out for losers, I'm going to NAIL the part.
***
RT this if you've ever painted an anchor on a sledge.
[Editor/Paul's Note: I'm quite proud of this. For the non-Twitter literate, an RT is a 'retweet', where you can re-broadcast someone else's tweet to your own followers. There are lots of these about. Someone will write 'RT this if you love Harry Potter's neck!' and lots of people will retweet it to show their approval.
I don't think anyone has ever painted an anchor on a sledge, or juxtaposed those objects in a joke. That's why I'm proud.
Incidentally, no-one did retweet this. Proving my point.]
***
FACT: It's OK to cross a picket line if you pronounce it French-like (i.e."pickay line").
***
Time to go home. I hope I remember my keys are what opens the door.
***
If there's one thing I like more than one thing, it's more things.
***
Rod the child and spoil the rod. STOP DAMAGING THE ROD. IT'S EXPENSIVE.
***
Contrition Chips #remorsefultakeaways
***
I bet I'd be a shit gold miner.
***
I've got eyes in the back of my head. I've got hair in those eyes.
***
A moth just came into the room, looked at me, shook its head, then left.
***
I like to convince people I'm taller than I am by brushing satellites out of my hair.
***
Whenever I meet someone who looks French, I kiss them on all of their cheeks. Just to be sure.
***
They should do a film where the hero is colour blind and has to defuse a bomb. How will he know which wire to cut?! Also, he's a caveman.
***
I didn't really spend six years as a geisha, but I needed something to pad out my CV.
***
If there was a boxer called Nick Name, I'd hope they'd come up with a good nickname for him. Like "The Hammer".
***
Got the bus with a gaggle of teenage girls. Their members' key elements: a) loudness, b) fashion from 1990, and c) a name ending in a vowel.
***
Georgia seemed to be one of the most vocal. And now Georgia's on my mind. Like a tumour.
***
Twitter has made me a better writer and a better person. But a much worse dancer.
***
If you don't sow the seeds of idiocy, you'll never harvest the barley of regret. Time to get planting.
***
I'm going to bury myself alive. But I'll take a little bell in case I change my mind.
***
Life underground won't be so bad. Conversation with moles, little risk of sunburn, no tabloids.
***
Today seems to be going 10% slower than usual. Possibly because the universe doesn't have enough content to fill its allotted time slot.
***
I'm fed up, down, left and right.
***
All tennis players' girlfriends look the same. One day, I want them to cut to a dumpy goth girl with a nose-ring, palpably bored.
***
======================@========== (A man in a sombrero walking along the railway tracks, viewed from above)
***
I'm looking at a chimney right... NOW.
***
Don't judge a book by the cover of a different book.
***
All the most sophisticated electro-pop bands complement their keyboard player with a cheeseboard player.
***
Natwest has just sent me a booklet summarising my account in graphical form. One page is just a woman sobbing.
***
I was really witty in a dream just now. It's a shame you missed it.
***
I question my commitment to self-interrogation.
***
I like to arrange myself into a roughly human configuration before I leave the house. But I never overdo it.
***
'i' and 'u' are not in season. #freshvowels
***
C.J. Lewis's girlfriends all had terrible teeth.
***
This dust jacket potato is pristine, but the butter is slipping off the sheen.
***
I tie my shoelaces in a double negative. #notknot
***
To be uber-thoughtful, stroke as many people's chins as quickly as possible. Don't stop to answer questions.
***
I'm carving my own niece. Hmm? What's that? 'Niche'? 'NICHE'?! Oh. Oh dear god.
***
I found my way back to the bakery by leaving a trail of breadcrumbs.
***
***
You know when it feels like your head is full of cotton wool? You're probably a stuffed animal of some kind (eg bear).
***
"My dog has no nose." "Oh dear - that's terrible." "Terrible." "Yes, terrible."
***
There's a trilobite on my desk with more vitality than me.
***
I'm not sure if "fuck this" constitutes a viable long-term business plan, but I've already had the letterheads printed.
***
Walter, Walter everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Unless Walter brought some 7 Up or something. Walter?
***
Of course it's dangerous! But Mr Wolf is the only one with a clock, and these eggs aren't going to time themselves.
***
I'm not a physicist, but I think grease would actually slow lightning down. Lubricating electricity would be a waste of man hours.
***
The bird refrigeration debate is hugely important. Not just for us, but for our chilled wren. And our chilled wren's chilled wren.
[Editor/Paul's Note: ohhhh yeah]
***
"I was out on the lash last night!" - tiny eyelid explorer.
***
This tweet is a retrospective of itself! Remember "tweet is"? Remember when I used the word "retrospective"? And that exclamation mark! Wow!
***
Success is 14% 'u', 43% 's', 29% 'c' and 14% 'e'. Perspiration is negligible. #success
***
Leggings are worn on legs. The clue is in the name. I can only assume that stockings are worn by Oxo cubes.
***
Before each recording session, Sir Mix-a-Lot would inject himself with sodium pentothal.
***
Behind-the-ear is an ideal holster for pencil, glasses-arm or stowaway bee.
***
Whenever someone's being secretive, I like to think of them as "blurting something in".
***
Hope the #notw's attack-dog readers, long trained to maul those suspected of mistreating a child, will turn on and devour their masters.
***
If anyone uses table salt anywhere other than the table (on food, for example), I bellow "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO READ?!" until questioned.
***
The sad thing is that it was almost impossible for Superman to self-harm as a teenager.
***
If you toss a coin an infinite number of times, you get an infinite number of heads and an infinite number of girlfriends.
***
Being awake is not one of my key skills.
***
I wish there was a live blog that live blogged what was happening on all the other live blogs. LIVE.
***
I spend my day oscillating between anger and misery, depending on my blood sugar levels. I've just had a pain au chocolat and I HATE FRANCE.
***
I'm on my own today. I'm hoping a monk-like sense of tranquility will wash over me. Should probably find a towel...
***
I don't remember the last time I took a swig of anything. Swigging is a young person's game. I'm a grown-up now. I sup.
***
The biggest and best hotels leave a complimentary smaller hotel on your pillow.
***
There's no better way to say "fuck you" to the poor and starving in the Third World, than spending £11.99 on an Uncle Buck Blu-ray.
***
NEW CHARITY IDEA - Race for Life offshoot: Scarred for Life. Just me in a tent with a money-box and a scalpel. Colour scheme: bandages.
***
There's a chip shop near here that sells locally-sourced deep-fried Satan. Batter the devil you know...
***
A toothpick in the mouth conveys a sense of playful, exotic charm. A toothbrush? Less so.
***
I've just had a big mug of coffee, and am now vibrating at such a frequency that NASA have phoned to ask if I'm OK.
***
Dropped my water bottle lid on the floor. But I'm not picking it up, because that's exactly what THE MAN wants me to do.
***
Damn. Just spilled water everywhere. You win again, Cameron! Lucky I had this tranquility towel to hand...
***
"Look, I don't want to tell you what to do..." - Kim Jong-il always gets a few knowing chuckles when he uses that as an opener.
***
Desperate tape times call for desperate tape measures.
***
Dear Person-Who-Structures-Their-Tweets-as-an-Imaginary-Letter, CLAP CLAP CLAP, Yours sincerely, Paul xxx
***
"You've done nothing wrong, it's just... I need space." - Dating an astronaut can be tough. :-(
***
I'm bringing out a new energy drink called Accidental 'Reply All' Panic.
***
Is there a way to sob with dignity? (I'm putting together an information pack)
***
My new voice-operated gallows have intrigued prison officials. They were hanging on my every word.
***
My day of pseudo-solitude has been productive. I just built a castle out of desk tidies and high-fived an anglepoise lamp.
***
Get more use out of your toast rack by using it as a rack for for other toast-sized objects! Like bread! And bits of MDF the size of toast!
***
I store slices of Eastern wisdom in a Taoist rack.
***
People tend to focus on the wives, but Henry VIII also had a large collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs.
***
"I'm crying on the inside" - the town crier desperately tries to keep his job.
***
I arrange my books by the order in which they appear on my shelf.
***
The most pessimistic part of the orchestra is the wouldn'twind section.
***
HOLLYWOOD FACT: Jeff Goldblum has one 24 carat testicle.
***
I could never wear overalls. They are a lie. They couldn't possibly be over all. I wear oversomes. Nice and honest.
***
If you want to appear nonchalant in public, whistle musically at a pitch only judgemental dogs can hear.
***
A spice rack is just a sparrow rack with spices instead of sparrows. #wisdom
***
I clean my toothbrush meticulously, by rubbing it against enamel gum-mounted scouring blocks twice a day.
***
The older I get, the less likely it becomes that I'll ever be a space doctor.
***
There's a strange rustling coming from the bin. Just some paper unfurling? Or is someone stealing my bin-cows?
***
The sun has got his hat on! / Hip-hip-hip-hooray! / The sun has got his nicotine patch on / and I'm ambivalent #songs
***
Since stealing condor eggs was made illegal, their numbers have skyrocketed. You can't move for condor eggs now. In my house.
***
The Cheers theme song originally went: "Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your bank details". Focus groups were skeptical.
***
oos = (consonants without consonants), vwls = (vowels without vowels). CONCLUSION: I think consonants are more mprtnt.
***
No means no. Nein means Heinz. Beans means... uh, yes? (I was never very good at languages)
***
I've missed my calling in life. But I'm not too worried. My calling was appalling.
***
Is it masturbatory to "like" a photo of yourself on Facebook? What if it's a photo of yourself masturbating?
***
The lowest common denominator is a mass Womble grave.
***
NEWS EMERGING that the #NOTW hacked a grieving Bambi's treephone, at a time when they were campaigning for better quality venison.
***
Whenever I press the Shift key, I pretend I've been transported to an alternate dimension.
***
FACT: No-one called Philip has ever been sent to prison.
***
I've been snowed under this morning and haven't had time to tweet. So just a quick update: I HAVE YET TO MEET AN ONION THAT'S ALSO A WITCH.
***
My friend wants to put a water feature in his stables. I think he's making a fountain out of a foalhill. #hmm #nicetrybut #doesntreallywork
***
Never let it be said that footballers can't come up with nicknames. (Thanks to @clissoldjones for finding this!) http://twitpic.com/5mifcf
***
Everything's all sunshine and roses now that The Sacrificial Lamb has ceased publication. Read all about it in The Daily Sheep. #NOTW
***
Radio 4 should be BEGGING me to work for them.
***
I bet clouds stare down at us and imagine they can see strange shapes.
***
If you put a magnet at the bottom of a slide, you can speed up a robot's descent. (Of course a metal slide will complicate matters)
***
If you've ever wheeled-down a photo booth stool, you can cook a pizza.
***
If shoulders were plates, shawls would be tea towels.
***
My nose whistles when I breathe into a whistle.
***
This is my new tweet style. I call it: SENTENCES+
***
NEW PRODUCT IDEA: A concrete block you can use to save your place when in line at the supermarket. I call it the Stanley Queue Brick.
***
I like Newsnight, but I prefer Snight Classic.
***
I could lose myself in Ed Miliband's eyes and sentences.
***
You wouldn't think that Kirsty Wark has a massive tattoo of Popeye on her back. Surely.
***
The sporran is a traditional Scottish pouch used for the storage of coasters.
***
Eating local honey can help alleviate hayfever. Just as eating local children can alleviate insomnia.
***
Children should be seen and not hurdled.
***
I cut my finger this morning, but don't know how. I do have tiny vampires in my pockets, but I'm pretty sure they're asleep.
***
I just smashed a hole in a door with an axe, and shouted "HEEEEERRE'S... TOMMMY!". It wasn't exactly my shining moment.
***
Remember eating chocolate eggs a while back? WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!
***
The six years I spent in medical school were the happiest, and in many ways the most fictional, of my entire life.
***
I thought I'd come up with a good character name in my sleep last night, but it turns out it's "Sore" Lee Lacking. :-(
***
I've been staring at a spreadsheet so long that Right Click > Format Cells > Font > Colour > Blood Red > OK
***
You hate it when you talk about yourself in the second-person.
***
Smarties are neat and self-contained. But these Smart-Casualies aren't really trying hard enough.
***
I don't think I'd mind being naked in front of Jesus. He's like a doctor. He's seen it all before - literally.
***
I think Nick Drake is the folk singer most likely to steal a duck.
***
Donovan is the folk musician most likely to turn kebab meat into a form of transport.
***
Neil Young is the folk singer most likely to tire of servitude when approaching adulthood.
***
My legs are my favourite limbs, with the possible exception of my arms.
***
"I'm sure you're thanking what I'm thanking." - a presumptuous psychic collects an award.
***
YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL
No comments:
Post a Comment