Stick of Rock

It's been a while.

Please excuse the large gap between the past and the present. I've been on holiday, so have not been able to type words into this box. Luckily for you, I have loads of hilarious holiday-based material to mine. I've made some pretty stunning observations about air travel that could well be revolutionary, and have also taken a sideways look at the Italians.

With nowhere to record the many one-liners that have popped into my head, I've had to store them up, stuff them in my hand luggage, and hope that some of the more Allah-centric of them don't cause a ruckus at immigration.

And so here it is. My comedy holiday review:

I saw several lizards.

Thus concludes my comedy holiday review. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm the new Bill "The Bison" Bryson/Michael Palin/that guy who wrote A Room With a View. Robert Forster, I think it was.

Interesting. In 1998, Robert Forster was in both the remakes of Psycho (with Vince "There's Something About Him I Just Don't Like" Vaughn) and Rear Window (with Christopher "I Don't Actually Have An 'S' In My Surname" Reeves). He obviously chooses his roles based on the futility of the project.

I hope I haven't missed anything important while I've been away. Everyone in Oxford seems to be speaking Space-Russian and wearing explosive obedience collars, but I assume that's just a new fashion trend. I'm glad to see people mixing things up a bit.

I'm going to brush my teeth now. For me, it will seem like a few minutes before this blog continues, but for you it will be almost instantaneous.

***

I'm back. I got distracted after brushing my teeth, so about fifteen minutes have passed for me. For you, no time has passed. That means you're now fifteen minutes younger than me. Or fifteen minutes less old, depending on your starting age.

I can't believe that a simple distraction has increased my relative age. If I'd taken much longer, I'd almost be ready for relative retirement, which actually sounds quite nice.

I'm wearing a T-shirt which isn't quite dry. It's mostly dry; it's not too wet to take off. But it is noticeably damp. Why don't I put on another, drier, T-shirt? Because I don't have one. I only have four items of clothing, and three of them are cummerbunds. I have to be creative with design and shadow when going outside, so as to arouse no suspicion/people. The skill in minimising visible exposure is a lot like the skill of the magician: lots of misdirection and one jaded rabbit.

Have you missed this? I've missed it.

***

There was a dull photo of a sink at the top of my last post. I'm worried it might have put people off. So I've gone for something more exciting this time. The three blasts above seem to be re-enacting the famous Cleese/Barker/Corbett class sketch from The Frost Report (I can't seem to find a good version of it on Youtube, but you know the one I mean).

The explosion on the left is upper-class, the one in the middle is middle-class, and the one on the right is a furious Ronnie Corbett. I think it says a lot about social hierarchies and flammable stuff.

Have you missed this? I have.

Still, I don't want to over-extend myself on my first time back. You have to walk before you can run. You have to crawl before you can use the expression "you have to walk before you can run". The process is slow, but I should be firing on all cylinders by the middle of next week. By which time I hope to have made up those errant fifteen minutes of youth by being briefly encased in amber.