I really like watching two things at once. I used to do it all the time, until I was told that it was "really annoying". To be fair, it was September 11 2001. And I was flipping to an episode of Silverhawks. On video. Just before the second plane hit.
In the second tower.
But in hindsight... I'm an idiot. It's only in the present moment that I seem like a genius. I'm already looking back to the beginning of this entry, questioning my own judgement. Should there be a comma up there? Oh, forget it.
So, I'm a channel changer. In my prime TV watching years (in my few spare moments where I wasn't going to parties, pulling birds and being good at sport) I would watch four channels, flicking between them at speed. It takes a lot of skill. You need to anticipate incident, and navigate the stations with a combination of dexterity and conviction.
Some people say that it's a stupid thing to do. They say you don't appreciate any of the programmes. They say it requires an unpleasant amount of concentration.
To them I say: try harder!
Television is about pushing physical boundaries, expanding your mind, and constructing complex strategies. I think a night watching TV should closely resemble the first half of Full Metal Jacket. If you end up shooting yourself through the mouth, it's a bonus.
Last night was a return to those glory days. I saw every goal, every incident. I was darting and weaving, the channel surfing Steven Gerrard, back forward, minimum button presses, back, throw-in, change, goal kick, flip, good pass, back, fierce tackle.
If Shiva the Destroyer had been watching those games, he couldn't have matched my skill. He would have given up and turned on Sky Sports News like all the other lesser gods.
I might have my hands replaced with remote controls. Not too practical for gripping things, I suppose, but it would be a good look.
In my house, we used to call the remote 'the switch'.
I quite like that. It makes it seem significant somehow. Like a cosmic pivot.
Lucy and I used to name our remotes. I think we had 'Cecil', 'Geoffrey', and 'Uncle Phil'.
It's odd that there are so many remote synonyms:
- zapper
- clicker
- channel changer
- infra-red power gun
- The Lance
- button-house
- alterer
- Romulan disruptor
- "Mute & Co."
- invisible arm
- Chessington World of Adventures
- doobrey
I think people just like coming up with stupid terms.
I think.
***
[What was I thinking with that thing about Shiva? Stupid, Paul. Stupid. I suppose retrospective idiocy is 20/20]
hahaha! oh, paul, you make me laugh.
ReplyDeletei must say, i envy you. i briefly dabbled in channel changing in between games and have paid dearly for it. i kept at it, mind, and finally got to a stage where i was able to catch goals from two different games (or sometimes a wickets and goals) but to be honest it was just too much hard work.
i couldn't cut it. i didn't even have the bravery for the shotgun routine.
so i bow down at your amazing prowess.
especially with last night - i would've dearly liked to have watched both the man u and barca games...!
(by the by, in our household there is something of a rift with the naming of the remote control, with my wife calling it the "zapper" and me, well, um, just the "remote control".
and you're right, "the switch" does have connotations of cosmic power. as if contained in it is a metaphor for our very existence. sort of.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm afraid of attmepting to repeat the performance, so I might have to retire as a channel-changer!
ReplyDeleteI've been calling it the remote control too recently, but I'll try to start using some stranger names...