Token Effort

I once sent off for a Coco Pops badge.

I collected tokens from boxes of Coco Pops and sent them (along with some supplementary payment - possibly a postal order, even though I don't know what that is) to the Coco Pops High Command. They must have approved my request, because they sent me a badge.

As a child, it's very exciting to receive something through the post. The majority of mail (bills, court summonses, camping equipment catalogues) are sent to adults. This is because children don't have any independent income, and so would struggle to pay for electricity, or tents, or a horrendous crime.

When I'm a grown up, I'm going to just send assorted letters to children. I'll find their names by eavesdropping in a playground, and then follow them home to get their addresses. Then I'll mail them things they might be interested (like a picture of a rocket-tiger). They will be happy.

I literally can't think of a single reason not to do this.

So I was delighted to have a package on the way. When it arrived, I was over the moon. But my jubilation was slightly quashed by the parcel being addressed to Paul Funa.

Paul Funa isn't my name.

My name is Paul Fung.

There were no Paul Funas living at my address.

I don't know if there are any Paul Funas in the country.

There are a few on Facebook, but none of them list 'Coco Pops' or 'following children home' amongst their interests.

If I was called Paul Funa, I'd become a boxer. I'd be known as Paul "The Tuna" Funa. It would strike fear into the hearts of my opponents, especially Jason "The Pelagic Crustacean" Mason.

But I'm not called Paul Funa.

It was my mistake. When I'd filled out my Coco Pops badge request form, I must have made too short a tail on the final 'g'. Let this be a lesson to you: ALWAYS USE BLOCK CAPITALS WHEN ORDERING CEREAL-RELATED BADGES.

But the badge was great. It had Coco the Monkey on it. (You know - the one from off of the Coco Pops adverts) Not only that - it had glowing LEDs on it, and PLAYED THE COCO POPS THEME TUNE. It was probably the greatest achievement in the history of (wo)man.

I don't know where it is now. I can't even find a picture on the internet. It's probably worth a thousand pounds.

I think it was the only thing I ever sent away for. I don't know if I thought I'd never top the badge, or if I was a bit gun-shy over Funa-gate. But the badge was enough for me.

I hope I don't get an angry email from Paul Funa, demanding I return his badge. That would be awkward.

I looked up Coco Pops on Wikipedia (unsure if it was Coco the Monkey, or just Coco Monkey), and found this information on Coco's pals:

Coco's friends are Shortie Giraffe, Randy Rhino, Alan Anteater, Heftie Hippo, Fanny Flamingo, Osmelda Ostrich, and Kylie Kangaroo, while Crafty Croc and the gorillas are his arch-enemies.


I'm happy with most of these, but slightly concerned about Randy Rhino and, particularly, Fanny Flamingo, which sounds like a condition in need of ointment.

I think they should do spin-off cereals featuring those characters:


Randy Rhin-O's: They turn the milk white!


Fanny Flaming-O's: To be taken orally!

I don't really think that.

This started with innocent childhood nostalgia and ended with obscenity. I've embarrassed myself.

But I don't consider a blog post complete until I've damaged my own credibility.

[UNTRUE]