I Write The Songs

I need to join a band. I know I'm probably ten years too old to be thinking like that, but it seems like the ideal solution. You don't have to wake up early, you get to do something creative, and you get to look cool.

It would probably have to be a real band, with real people in it. I'm a member of several imaginary bands (The Long Gods being the least intangible), but it's difficult to get gigs when you don't exist. Most promoters won't take a risk on a figment band.

The problem is how best to form a band. If I was ten years younger, it would be fine (even though I did want to be in a band ten years ago, and it wasn't fine).

But an old bearded man can't be seen hanging out with wirey, acne-ridden troubadours; spiky anarchists; bed-wetting indie greasers; skinny-jeaned pretty-boys; pierced inky chumps; or any other breed of youthful, optimistic, hopeless dreamers.

And if I were to find people my own age, we'd just look like some kind of tribute band, and we'd have to play marginal 90s hits to an audience of infants. They're just not going to respond to a heart-felt rendition of The Connells' 74/75.

I've only got one year left if I want to achieve success and join Club 27. If I'm to be the new Janis Joplin, I'd better get cracking.

Perhaps the safest bet would be to become one of those bland, hoarse singer-songwriters. I can write songs so dull that they actually diminish the credibility of good bands, simply by sharing the category of 'music'. Middle-aged women will love me. I can do a soulful accoustic version of Chemical Burns (one of the Long Gods' most infuential tracks).

I think I might start recording some songs and posting them here. I get bored too quickly, so they'll have to be improvised. I can then analyse each song in detail, finding out what musical techniques I appear to have used, and search for Freudian meaning in the lyrics.

Maybe I'll become a big hit. I could become a Youtube phenomenon, like that woman with three heads of different races, and that funny looking guy who can predict the future by waiting for things to happen.

If anyone has any suggestions for good song titles, please leave them below. I will write a song for every single suggestion.

(I say that, expecting 0 suggestions).

I should stop writing now (and certainly stop writing the word 'suggestion' - which I've typed so many times, it's starting to look weird).

I'd better go and tune my guitar. You may want to put on some sunglasses, my friend, because the future's looking bright!

(Just a suggestion)