Pilgrimage to Java

I thought I'd better write something today, or else this month will have the lowest number of entries since... last July.

I don't know what it is about July that leads to such a dearth in content (it might be the same factor that causes me to use words like 'dearth'). But I'm not going to let it defeat me this month. Or maybe I will if I can't think of anything to write.

***

I wrote that a couple of hours ago. I have since had some coffee. It's amazing what a simple chemical can do to the brain. And legs.

When I was at university, some of my friends and I took coffee to extremes. (If I've written about this before, please forgive me). One night, we downed shots of raw ground coffee. It was both disgusting and ineffectual.

The other coffee experiment involved individual filter coffees. You may have seen them - little plastic tubs that rest on top of your mug. You pour hot water through the coffee-filled filter at the bottom, and you have a delicious (exorbitantly expensive) cup o' Joe.

The chosen brand was Rombouts. I've just had a look on their website, and they have an interesting history section.

Here are some extracts:

A story that blends love with tradition...

Blends! Like a coffee blend! Genius... I didn't know it was possible to blend love with tradition. I though it might be an oil and water situation. They must be real experts to blend such disparate concepts. Love (an abstract mental construction) with Tradition (an observable chain of precedent).

It's like blending embarrassment with cheese prices. Or flamboyance with artichoke hearts. They can blend anything.

1896

It all started in Antwerp, when Frans Rombouts decided to rent a roasting cylinder and started roasting coffee himself, much to the delight of in-the-know coffee lovers. Thus began a remarkable success story. Its “sweet and savoury” tale today is appreciated more than ever by passionate coffee lovers.

I know I've heard a greater amount of discussion of Rombouts recently. Mostly in the last ten minutes. Helpful use of quotation marks there. The tale isn't literally sweet and savoury. That's a metaphor.

Having said that, there are no quotation marks in the first quote. I can only conclude that Rombouts does actually, scientifically, blend love with tradition. I wonder how they mix it...

Wow, the individual coffee filter was invented in 1958! Think of the things that happened in that year!

...

Hmm. Nothing springs to mind. My mum was born, I suppose. Yeah.

Crazy times...

They claim the individual coffee filter made it 'impossible to get it wrong'. I'll come back to that later.

1966
Rombouts was awarded the title of Certified Royal Warrant Holder of Belgium. This distinction brings a sense of pride at having been recognized in the most prestigious way possible, but also imposes a sense of obligation to uphold the highest standards of quality, resulting in the utmost in consumer satisfaction.

I don't want to belittle that title. I'm sure being a Certified Royal Warrant Holder of Belgium is a great honour.

But is it being recognized in the most prestigious way possible? Surely there are others. What if Rombouts was made the official sponsor of the 1966 World Cup? What if the Beatles had released Revolver with a special revolving coffee filter? What if Rombouts had been sanctioned as the only legal coffee company in the world?

But no. Certified Royal Warrant Holder of Belgium is probably more prestigious.

1980

was a challenging year. The price of coffee rose sharply, and Rombouts didn't want to raise its prices.

Yeah. 1980 was tough for everyone. I blame Thatcher.

2009

Rombouts remains a family company, and today has more than 580 employees worldwide. Rombouts worldwide development is ongoing, thanks to its innovations and the quality of its coffees.

More than 580? That's not that many. If you're not going to be specific, why chose 580 as a round number.

"Could we say more than 550? Or around 600?"

"No. That would be misleading. If Rombouts stands for one thing, it's... well, coffee. But if it stands for two things, the second thing is honesty."

That's all on the history page. I hope the good people at Rombouts don't take this as an insult. I'm just a big fan of their products.

In fact, if anyone from Rombouts is reading (and I assume the more references to the brand name - Rombouts - the more likely it will be seen by them), I'd be interested in a sponsorship deal.

If you send me regular individual filter coffees, I'm happy to make sure every blog entry involves a long description of how coffee (rich, tasty Rombouts coffee) has improved my life, solved all my problems, and has given me the jittery confidence needed to succeed in the world of business.

Oh my God. I was going to leave the website there, but I've just seen the 'In Home' section. It is beautiful.

A beautifully animated page full of happy coffee lovers - loving coffee and loving life. Put the sound on too - there's some cool music playing. Go and have a look. Here's part of the front page:


Look at these people. Full of vim and vigour (and coffee - rich, tasty Rombouts coffee).

The guy on the left looks a bit like Mark Gatiss from The League of Gentlemen. What's he reading? The financial section, perhaps? He certainly seems to be hip and wealthy. Or the arts section. After all, he's a new man. Drinking coffee, expressing himself, sitting next to a fake plant like the claws of Satan...

And his expression... Could be disgust. But it isn't. Not with that tasty beverage. He's thinking how great it is to be alive!

What about the two women? Friends, clearly. Attractive, animated professionals. I think this is how their conversation is going.

Angelique (woman on left): So, how do you hold a samurai sword?

Mauuuude (woman on right): Like this!

Angelique: I hope our wealthy husbands don't interrupt this chat. I'm enjoying myself!

Mauuuude: Me too! This coffee is delicious!

Angelique: Yes! It's almost enough to forget that both of our sons died in Afghanistan yesterday! They shot each other!

Mauuuude: I'm going to buy some crack!



And then on the right of the screen:

A man smoking hashish in the background; a girl-next-door type trying to seduce me into her mug, a tired, jaded barista, and the alcoholic mum from Arrested Development.

The girl is saying: "Coffee makes me happy. The only thing that could make me happier is if you were here too. We could share our coffee together. I've got quite a tight grip on this. Maybe you can try and pry it open... The grip, I mean! Hahahahaha!"

(I'm reading between the lines)

There are other good sections: sudoku, a nicely animated explanation of the different types of filter, an option to join 'The Rombouts Community'.

I tell ya, if I don't qualify for the community after all that, I'll be really annoyed.

I'm hoping this entry will start a new trend for incredibly positive (almost aggressive) blogs, where vitriol becomes high praise. I probably wouldn't feel this way if I wasn't all hopped up on coffee. My only reservation is that it is not Rombouts coffee. I will rectify that mistake.

***

Anyway, before I got sidetracked I was going to share an anecdote. That was one hell of a sidetrack. That's a significant sidetrack. That's a Christopher Columbus on his way to India-sized sidetrack.

I was going to say that as a student, we'd drink these filter coffees. They said it was impossible to get wrong. But we wanted more, and we tried. So we started to use more than one filter. We'd stack them up. Coffee would filter through coffee. Two was good. Three was great.

As the liquid made its way through the filters, it would gradually get thicker and stronger. It became concentrated. Pure liquid energy.


By the time the water had traversed 10 filters, it emerged into the mug as a single viscous ebony drop, like the blood of Jeremy Kyle. So powerful, so dense, even light could not escape it. It was so strong that its influence radiated through time. It spread into the future. it spread into the past. We suddenly realised why we had been insomniacs our entire lives.

Immense, reality-altering, psyche-bending, pulse-rocketing, eye-opening, rich, tasty Rombouts coffee.

They don't list that as an option on the website. It's probably not recommended. But if you're bored and tired, give it a try.

The logo on the above website displays the Rombouts logo, and the slogan 'My Coffee Moment'. My coffee moment has expanded into infinity (and a really long blog entry). Momentous, epic, eternal.

Rombouts coffee.

Now where's my sponsorship deal?