I haven't got an infected tattoo or piercing, I'm not being haunted by a racist ghost, I'm not being defamed on the internet (though to be honest, I could do with the Twitter followers), our boiler is working, I'm not melting, the city of Oxford is not full of poisoned crickets, Saints have been winning.
CLUNK. (That was me touching a big bit of wood - I think I've got a splinter)
Sure, there are bad things happening. But I'm sure it'll all blow over. Everyone will be happy soon, and we'll all get together and have a big group hug that will turn awkward within seconds.
Here are some things.
THING #1
I've become slightly obsessed with Phil Ochs, who was a protest singer, troubadour, activist and slight oddball. This song is political. I don't think it has any particular relevance to our current situation, but it certainly is catchy. It also has a tremendous opening couple of lines.
THING #2
(I'd really only thought of that one thing. Now I need to pretend this was the idea all along.)
Here's a photo of an advert I took ages ago:
I think I probably found 'WASPS DESTROYED' funny at the time, but then realised it wasn't that funny. I could have written a whole blog post about this.
But there's not really much to discuss. Even the name is boring. "John". The most boring of all names.
You may have noticed, I've blacked-out the phone number. I don't know why.
The chances of anyone reading this blog and then ringing up "John" as some sort of Fonejacker-esque prank are probably quite low.
And also, this is an advert. "John" would want me to publicise his wasp destruction business. This blog probably has more readers than...
Actually, no. That sign, in a small suburban newsagent window, has a far greater readership than this blog. That's a depressing thought. But it's probably good for localism or small businesses or something.
Anyway, "John" probably wants people to know about his service. Me blacking-out his number (is 'blacking-out' politically correct, by the way?) is doing more harm than good.
Unless he no longer destroys wasps. This photo was taken on 4 August 2009. That was more than two years ago. Who knows what happened to the wasp destruction business in that time?
It was a different world then. Credit hadn't fully crunched, Labour were still in power, Osama Bin Laden was still alive. ... Live Aid happened. I think.
The climate of world finance has changed. People can't be spending money to obliterate insects nowadays. They need the money for food and tickets to see the film Zookeeper at the cinema.
"John" might well be out of a job. No matter how 'competitive' his prices were.
"John" might be dead.
I hope he's not. I really hope he's not.
In fact, you know what? Maybe people have a greater demand for wasp eradication these days. Maybe they have less tolerance for stinging insects. We were indulgent back in the Noughties. We thought nothing of letting wasps stay in an airing cupboard, or giving a spider keys to the car. We even allowed people to refer to the decade as 'the Noughties'. That's how complacent we were.
But now, it's serious business. We need that wasp space to rent out a room to a poor student, who is unable to afford fees, whose previous home has been burned down by Lady GaGa, and who's lost their part time job as a lifeguard because the government no longer funds drownings.
That student NEEDS that airing cupboard.
The wasps have got to go, and "John" is probably quids in.
He's probably started his own franchise. That's what all those vans are for that you see driving around. You never see a wasp van anymore. They've been destroyed. "John" is very fastidious.
Actually, I'm glad I blacked-out the number! Screw "John"! He doesn't need our money! I'm not going to advertise his business: built on the blood of innocent wasps! Innocent stripéd martyrs!
Don't destroy things, "John"! Destruction is not the answer!
WE MUST BUILD BRIDGES.
BRIDGES TO WASPS.
LOVE, NOT HATE.
Oh, "John". "John", "John", "John".
I love you. I hope you know that. But you've got to realise that there are things in this world more important than same day service.
THING #3
A backslash. Remember the backslash? Remember having to specify the orientation of the slash? Remember when you had to say "forward slash" all the time?
Here it is.
\
Classic.
THING #4
The end of the 'thing' parade. It's been educational.
I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have enjoyed the film Wag the Dog.
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