Reception so far has been a mixture of "zero" and "nil". Zeril, if you will. That sound like a medication or a detergent.
So I think I'll compile these latest tweets, just like I used to. Remember those days? I'd have dozens and dozens of tweets to post each month. Amusement was abundant. These lean years seem quite the different kettle of months.
If you look at the 'Tweets' label, you'll see that (other than some isolated pieces of analysis, and some compendia based on certain themes), I haven't done a proper tweet compilation since May 2013. That's nearly a year ago.
So this is almost a year's worth of tweeting. But don't worry - I've spent most of that time shunning Twitter because the hum of activity reminds me that I'm alive. So there aren't that many.
I wonder if the long time-scale will tell us anything about the degradation of my mental state! It'll be fun to find out!
So join me once again for another edition of:
Twannus Horribilis
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In a goth brothel, the broth is awful. #funthingstosayinascottishaccent
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I feel as though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and then slammed back down on them repeatedly.
But who cares about shoulders anyway? They're basically just arm-tops. No need to get technical.
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I'm trying to preserve my anonymity, so let me know if you have any jam jars.
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Aunt May Contain Nuts.
Sorry. I accidentally tweeted that before I'd really thought about why it might even mean anything.
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I feel like I've been shut out of a cannon.
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I've not-written, not-directed and not-produced all of my films. You might say I'm something of a noughteur.
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Seriously though, I wouldn't accept an OBE. I hate the glorification of British Imperialism. and don't own any comfortable smart shoes.
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OMG - drawer is reward backwards. There's a tweet in that.
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I've got a spring in my step-son.
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Important news for anyone who posts photographs on Facebook, Tumblr or Instagram:
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Why are shoes so expensive? They should be renationalised.
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There's a coat rack in our office that looks a bit like Wolverine. (Brown costume, obviously)
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But I'm not all self-promotion. I can also do topical jokes. How about these floods?! Not so much Wellington boots as DAS BOOT, am I right?
I ran out of characters there, otherwise I would have included a smiley face. It was a joke about a submarine.
[Editor/Paul's note: Remember the floods? They were in the news at the time.]
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I used to tweet like this all day. But we all mature. We outgrow the things that used to amuse us. I can barely squeeze into my old clown.
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How sticky does an apple have to be before I refuse to eat it?
Oh, hang on. This is wood glue.
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I just avoided eye contact with a lamp.
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I can't believe there was a time when I used to not wear slippers.
Young and reckless. Toes exposed, bold as brass.
"Socks are enough," I said. I scrawled it on my school books. And they *were* enough, then. They were enough.
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I've cordoned myself off.
The cordon has now been lifted, because it would have been awkward at the urinal.
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I finally took down the 2007 wall planner from behind my desk. Now if someone asks me on what day Easter Monday fell in 2007, I won't know.
I didn't even realise they *had* wall planners back then. I thought it was all wax cylinders and entrails.
I finally threw away the wax cylinders and entrails from behind my desk. Now if someone asks me if plague will strike in 2007, I won't know.
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I'm popular in the office.
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I need to stop sleeping so long in the evenings. When I woke up just now, I was so disorientated that I couldn't remember what my hair was.
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I'm going to go and brush a whole hemisphere of my head. I haven't decided which yet.
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You'd look fantastic in an orchard.
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Sometimes, if I'm emailing someone about an error they've made, I include an intentional typo. Just so they know that we all make mistakes.
If I was a doctor, I'd probably break my own legs before every appointment, just to put the patient at ease. #greatguy
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I just rinsed out a desk tidy.
[Editor/Paul's note: True story.]
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Last night, I dreamt that I met quintuplets and two of them were really racist.
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I'm not saying this has been a slow afternoon, but I *have* just read the entire Wikipedia entry for Babar the Elephant.
"Despite the presence of these counsellors, Babar's rule seems to be totally independent of any elected body, and completely autocratic"
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We have new dividers between our desks at work. Now I can continue to be naked from the waist down.
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I can't decipher my own handwringing.
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I'm sure I'd be able to levitate if I stopped carrying around so many anchors. But fashion is fashion...
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IMPORTANT NEWS: Walking past the Co-Op sweets shelf has left me singing 'foamy bananas' to the tune of the Littlest Hobo theme. END OF NEWS
♫ Foamy bananas, I want to settle down. Foamy bananas, I'll just keep moving on. ♫
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I've just realised that I... I... I don't think I've *ever* worn a helmet. That can't be right, can it?
No, I must have worn one. I went to joust camp three summers in a row. It was mostly squiring, but still...
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In each of my social media profile pictures, I'm holding a Super Soaker. But they've all been cropped out.
[Editor/Paul's note: This would probably make my Top 10 Best Ever Tweets. I don't know why.]
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I have a sore throat and eyes after walking through the smog and reading an article suggesting those symptoms.
And to think I laughed at those people wearing face masks. I feel like such a fool. Especially because I was dressed like a wizard.
I'll have to walk home with a plastic bag over my head. I only have opaque ones, but I can draw a face on the front.
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I should probably stop thinking about Boyz II Men. It's not a good use of my time.
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I think I'm going to be the first person in history to go bankrupt from buying too much Sanguinello juice.
It would literally be cheaper for me to drink molten gold. But less healthy.
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After a few years, try adding question marks to your hilarious aprons to freshen them up a little.
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I just ate a "morning bar" - and did so in front of all the other "morning bars" - to prove just who it is that runs things around here.
(Answer: ME. The human.)
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There are two cats fighting outside. Idiots. Outside will always win.
One of them sounds like a child that's being transformed into a frog. And it is by no means painless.
The other one is making perfect sense. Very lucid - just a solid, reasonable dude.
Sorry - I'm still talking about the cats. It's been a long fight.
[Editor/Paul's note: This was the beginning of a nightly running joke that captured the imagination of the entire country for four days.]
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We rarely use our dishwasher. It takes a great deal of fraught discussion before we deem it necessary. The stakes are just too high. They interfere with the rotor.
We've started hand-washing our stakes. It takes a little longer, but you get fewer streaks.
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I had a club sandwich earlier (hit in mouth by caveman lol).
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There are two coats fighting outside. Surprisingly loud. "Hoods amplify, remember." Oh yes - of course.
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I clench my teeth much more than is recommended. Trying to cut down by tying my beard to my shoes and my hair to the ceiling fan.
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I know I look tired, but it was rude of me to tell myself that.
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Trying to improve my endurance by sobbing at altitude.
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The work canteen dishwasher is broken, so we all had to eat surplus Finish tablets off PAPER PLATES. Like we were CHILDREN.
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The two coats from last night are fighting the two cats from Tuesday night. I knew it would split along species lines. Fur in zip. Loud.
The noise really is unbearable. I'm going to have to take out one of my ear trumpets.
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2:45pm is always the best time to check your work calendar for the first time.
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Looks like I missed a 'Calendar Skills Workshop' at 32:11 last morning. Never mind - I'll set a reminder.
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There are two oats fighting outside. Almost inaudible.
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[Editor/Paul's note: And finally...]
There are no fights outside tonight. Now I feel strangely empty. Cats in distress fill a hole, I guess.
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"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Stove" - my friend Adam suggesting we get a takeaway.
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CAVEATS: 1) I don't really have a friend called Adam, 2) God *did* create stoves, 3) I don't really have a friend
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I hate it when people ask me the correct pronunciation of my surname. Why can't they just guess, like I do?
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"What did you get up to over the Easter weekend?" "It was mostly just coming up with wrestling promos in the shower."
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I'm sorry for your floss. #dentalcondolences
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No-one ever really dies, so long as we, like, remember their teeth or whatever. #dentalcondolences
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It was short for Walternate Disney.
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I haven't eaten anything egg-shaped this weekend. But I have eaten several yolk-shaped things.
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It would be quite fun to rank everything in the world in order of preference. I'll start at the bottom.
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Lots of rain today. It's a good thing I've been stockpiling awnings.
There's a limit to how many awnings a person can buy at one time, just like paracetamol.
Hey, here's a good awning joke that's pretty popular amongst awning fanatics: Where does Bambi go to get shelter from the rain? A fawning! #awningjokes #fawnjokes #jokes
*awn*
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I'm starting to wonder if that snooty aristocrat was being sarcastic when he said my home-made briefcase was "charming".
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It might be time to wash my mug. The residue has formed itself into a skeleton, pointing towards the sink.
I might just use it as a compass.
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I don't stand at the urinal. I stand WITH the urinal.
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You don't get much "swab" outside of surgery and pirate maintenance.
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I went to the post room earlier to sign for a package. My signature was by far the best. Shouted "WE OUT!" and threw down the clipboard.
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Whenever someone follows up an insult with "nah, just playin'!", it makes me feel much better.
Because with "just joking", it might not be funny. But they genuinely are "just playing" with conventional notions of politeness.
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My origin story is pretty derivative.
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I've spilled mushy peas on my shirt. Grounds for euthanasia in anyone's book.
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Hey, there actually were quite a lot!
Themes include cats, dishwashers and consonants.
I'm sure you've noticed a slight formatting change here. I no longer include the three-asterisk break between linked tweets. Does this make them easier to follow, or am I compromising the integrity of my work?
I was going to write about my making a comment on The Guardian and having it removed by moderators, but I think I've given you enough content to digest.
I'll be back in the coming days with more of the thrills and spills you've come to expect from everyone who looks like me.
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