Strange Orange Stains

I don't have to do this. It's not the end of the world if I don't. I'm not addicted or anything.

It's just... if I do it now, I won't have to do it later. It's prudence, if anything. I'm being mature and practical. I'm saving the Later Me from having to do it.

When you're building a house, you start with the foundation. Not because there's something intrinsically "first" about it. There's no inherent primacy to a foundation. The foundation is like any other part of the house. You could just as easily finish the rest of the house and then conclude with the foundation. Like icing the base of a cake.

But you start with the foundation because it would be annoying to have to do it later, after all the rooves and light fittings and such.

Why have a headache tomorrow when you can have a headache today? If you have a headache today, it's just a headache. But if you have a headache tomorrow, you've got a headache plus the worry. That's why you have your headache today. That's why you build the foundation first. And that's why it's time for another selection of recent tweets!

I don't know if I've been particularly prolific lately, but maybe writing this in the cold light of day (maybe I did leave the fridge open), I'll realise that I've actually been on fire. Maybe the light of day is hotter than I imagine. Light temperatures are difficult to measure. It depends on whether the photon has got his coat on.

THE PHOTON HAS GOT HIS COAT ON!

I'M BACK, BABY!!

Here it is. The latest edition of:

Exorcise In Futility

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I've always considered myself

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It's windy today. Someone's outside our office squeegeeing paragliders off the windows.

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It's windy today. A nearby weathervane has drilled into the earth's core. I've had to put on my magma wellies.

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It's windy today. I've had to upgrade my windmill to a windmillion.

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My friend Wendy wants everyone to talk in a New Zealand accent. It's Windy today.

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Beating a dead horse is much better (and safer) than beating a live one.

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I'll always remember where I was the first time I went to Chessington World of Adventures. I was at Chessington World of Adventures.

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"The more things change, the less they don't change." - Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr (my translation)

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I know how to boil the perfect egg. But why would I want to? It's perfect. Leave it as it is. If it ain't broke...

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I've become so adept at shrugging that I've created something new. It's called "the shrog". You'll need to put down sawdust afterwards.

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I'm testing a machine that can transform people into composers. If I'm not Bach in fifteen minutes...

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I tried to follow my own advice, but it lead me up an alley and now I'm in some sort of bear trap.

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If I had wings, I'd probably sleep on my side.

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The first mouthful of tea is always an extraneous topic in AS-level history.

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I find it depressing that there are people starving in the world, so I'm trying to raise enough money to shoot them into space.

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If you store a Thermos inside a larger Thermos, it retains its original temperature.

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I used to work in a lie factory. I got fired because I didn't really.

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I'm going to read some of a book now. I know which bits to read because they're highlighted in ink.

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I noticed a suspicious package at the train station, in the shape of a train station. The staff searched it and found themselves inside.

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Unconsciousness is my Hawaii.

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Someone is listed on a work contacts list as "Publicity ass". It's one way to get the word out, I suppose...

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I'm like a bull, asleep, in a china shop. An obstacle for others, but causing no serious damage.

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If I owned a china shop, I'd install a mechanical bull in there. People would respect me for that, I fancy.

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9 out of 10 slugs prefer sweet popcorn.

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I sent myself a suicide note. When I opened it, it had become a death threat. So I called the police, who in turn confiscated my noose.

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Always remember, before you cross the road: Stop, Drop and Roll. #redcrosscode

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If you eat Popeye, your muscles get all spinachy. Trust me on this one.

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Film Pitch: CIGARFIELD - Sarcastic cat franchise reboot. Garfield (voiced by Andrew Garfield) is slowly smoked by a lasagna magnate.

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Detective Show Pitch: DIAGNOSIS: GIRDER - A bit like House, but the answer always relates to girders. Dick Van Dyke wears a helmet.

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Reality Show Pitch: INSIDE BRITAIN'S A - What goes on inside the 'A' of Britain (upper-case). Are there people in there? Weird if there was.

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Quiz Show Pitch: COUNT YOUR FINGERS AND TOES WHILST WE THREATEN YOUR CHILDREN - Alexander Armstrong to host.

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All of those are currently under development at Productio Ad Absurdum in partnership with Mick Stmedia.

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Bad news: funding has just been pulled for all of them except for the thing with the fingers.

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There's a Macbeth-style theatre superstition that you can only refer to tartan toilet paper as "The Scottish Ply".

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I think they should redraw all county lines into dozens of tessellating penises, but my therapist INSISTS that he just works at the Co-Op.

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I had my hair cut today, so will be wearing progressively smaller bags of flour on my head until I'm used to the weight change.

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Like Goethe off a duck's back...

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I belong to a fan fan club, a club fan club, a flan fan club, a cub fan club and a fan club fan club. I have too many badges.

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I will not be held responsible or up by wires.

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I'm going to tackle today head-on. And yesterday feet-first. And tomorrow? I don't know. Maybe forearms.

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You can kill a debonairwolf by staging a silver ballet.

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That didn't make sense. But sense is a fence that makes everyone tense.

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You see a lot of trolls in tanning salons, because they don't get a lot of natural sunlight.

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I have strange orange stains on the back of my shirt. I just hope to God I haven't been Tangoed. #strangeorangestains

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Possible emergence of latent Dutch. #strangeorangestains

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Insidious mobile phone marketing. #strangeorangestains

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A wronged woman in Ancient Greece would often kick her man to the Cerberus.

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Like "kick him to the curb"! That makes sense! The original pronunciation with with a hard 'c', so it makes sense!

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If Robert Graves was alive, he'd be retweeting that shit dawn to dusk.

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Reality Show Pitch: MAN-TO-MAN MAR-KING - Down-on-his-luck footballer Marlon King makes gay porn, with the results offensive to everyone.

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Quiz Show Pitch: METAQUIZ - Join contestants in betting on who will win other - more successful - quiz shows.

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Quiz Show Pitch: PASS THE PARCEL - Everyone's favourite party game - but with a twist. Every parcel is an onion. AN ONION!

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I went to the School of Hard Knock-Knock Jokes.

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It's funny to think that inside everyone's skeleton there's an infinite number of smaller skeletons, all different colours. So think it.

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The worst breach of trust is when you discover someone else has been WRITING your diary.

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Degrees of irony can be subtle, but you can work them out with an Alanis Morissette-square.

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Still worried about the orange stains. I haven't checked them for a while, and am worried I might have grown some kind of satsuma backpack.

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My brain activity has disappeared, leaving a vacuum inside my head. My skull is imploding. At least I'll be able to find a hat that fits.

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I always crumple on a Friday.

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You've never seen a dentist eat a ham sandwich. Even if it looked like ham, it wasn't. And if it WAS ham, it wasn't a sandwich.

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If Prince Charles becomes King, he'll change his name because of the bad associations. That's also why there will never be a King Hitler.

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On closer inspection, I'm wearing an orange shirt. #strangeorangestains #solved

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When you break a mirror, the seven years bad luck is comprised of three-and-a-half years for you, and three-and-a-half for the 'mirror you'.

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When cycling at night, always make sure your skull is on fire.

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You can carve yourself into any shape you want, but you can't carve your carving hand.

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I don't drink, so to drown my sorrows I have to put weights in their pockets.

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Immortality breeds prolonged contempt.

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So if this is suburbia, where's urbia? In the sky?

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I know Perturbia is in the Land of the Disconcerted. And Herbia is in Monte Carlo. And Blurbia is in Marketing World. And Serbia? Fictional.

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Stroking your beard makes you look thoughtful. Stroking your bear makes you look less thoughtful. And don't try stroking Bea.

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If you put all the corner flags in the country end-to-end, you'd bamboozle Tim Cahill.

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There's nothing more romantic than a baker's dozen red roses. Or just a regular dozen roses and a Chelsea bun.

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My hair is very short. My comb is lumbering about, trying to help, but is utterly redundant. Take a holiday, mate. You've earned it.

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I stubbed my toe yesterday. Today I'm starting a campaign to have all coffee tables be made out of flour.

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It was my middle toe, which means I can no longer swear at shoe salesmen.

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If you x-ray an x-ray, you can tell if the patient has broken their promises.

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My nose is cold. Setting fire to my moustache seems like a practical solution.

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I can't believe the Queen voices her own automated phoneline! "If you would like to make organic monarch juice, press one now."

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I think I exceed my recommended yearly allowance of coleslaw every day.

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When I die, I want to not have done.

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I feel over-appreciated at work.

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The most embarrassing thing about nude modelling is when you forget your kit and have to do it in your underwear.

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What's not brown and not sticky? A non-stick pan. You can have that one.

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The weird thing is, Rapunzel had spent the previous night weaving her pubes into a rope-ladder, but completely forgot about it the next day.

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When the time comes, I don't want Uncle Ben to suffer, so I'm going to smother him with a pilau.

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My parents never thought I'd be able to go through life constantly blinding people. Well, I wish they could see me now!

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Do you notice how you never see anyone in the same room as everyone else? Do you really think that's a coincidence?

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RATZINGER: Pope, KFC burger, or rodent comedian?

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The best way to assess the validity of a psychic is to just think about it for a couple of seconds.

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You can always tell if someone's wearing a wig that you bought them.

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I just ate all the strawberries off this French cake. Sorry, let me re-fraise that...

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I need to learn when to "no" say.

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Ordering a double espresso is the best way to show your hatred for sleep, hydration, and England.

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The man in front of me took the last pain au chocolat. I thought about shouting "It's poisoned!". But, as far as I know, it wasn't.

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I've spent too much time on my best behaviour - it's all trampled and limp. My worst behaviour is all buoyant and plump like a plum tomato.

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I keep forgetting where I put my glasses. Then I remember: in the cupboard with the mugs. I don't believe in receptacle segregation.

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Some days, you can see Danny Glover wandering through playgrounds and petting zoos saying "I'm too old for this shit!". Sad. So sad.

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NASA are supposed to be so professional, but they always leave their countdowns until the last minute.

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If I had a time machine, I'd travel to the present so I could borrow my own clothes.

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It's annoying when people say jovially "How are you? Keeping out of trouble?" whilst I'm plummeting towards a beehive.

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When people start a sentence "Can I just suggest...", they rarely wait for assent before making the suggestion. That's why kids join gangs.

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Without exception, everyone who likes all the things I like is an idiot.

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Instead of keeping my knives in one of those wooden blocks, I just stab a rocking horse. It's the same! It's the same!

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My doctor is trying to convince me to stop drinking. He needs subjects to test his "dehydration is a myth" theory.

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I ate a clementine earlier. Peeling it was extremely difficult, but that might be because I was also carving a pumpkin between my thighs.

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I think I left the fridge door open, but I'm too lazy to check. Maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow and see if I'm fresher than usual.

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Just excitedly saw I had a new email, forgetting that I had sent it to myself literally seconds before.

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I'm not typing well today. My keys are Söze. I blame the Spacey-bar.

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That was fine, wasn't it? A couple of good ones there, right?

I shouldn't give myself such a hard time. I should give myself a soft time. Like a marzipan sundial. That would be delicious.

See you next time I see you!