Heavens to Betsy! It's time for another of my patented tweet dumps!
One of the following tweets was my most successful ever - garnering around twenty-five retweets and a dozen new followers. See if you can guess which it is!
Strangely, despite this incredible glory, I haven't been offered any jobs, and am still mired in obscurity. My business plan of writing stupid jokes until I'm rich is proving to be unsuccessful so far. But one day it might bear fruit, like a bear pineapple or bear pear.
At least I have this blog, which is of such high quality that I'm sure to be a millionaire overnight. I'm not sure which night, but I've packed a bag just in case. I don't want to be taken by surprise.
So pour yourself a stiff seat belt, and brace your eyes and brain for another edition of:
Hard Graft Laughter
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The pearly bird catches the Cockney worm.
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I think the three of clubs might be the funniest playing card.
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Fool people into thinking you're not wearing a mask by wearing a mask with a picture of your unmasked face on it. #tip
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When I shake hands with someone, I see how far I can penetrate their
sleeve. If my fingers meet the armpit, I know we'll be firm friends.
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Film Pitch: KARAOKE KARADOKE - Carrie O'Quay is forced to carry a dough key, to open some sort of bread lock. A musical.
[Editor/Paul's Note - This wasn't the successful one. But it should have been.]
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Product Pitch: CRABSINTHE - Bohemian shellfish liqueur.
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When entering a building site, you're required to wear a really difficult hat.
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I'm hitting my usual 36-minutes-past-the-hour lull. I spend my day
bouncing from lull to lull until I get to my night time slump.
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There's a man on a ladder in our office, looking into the roof. I bet
he's not going to find any body parts up there. In a brown suitcase.
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On 19 January 2024, I will die of excessive prescience.
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Everyone my age is boring. Everyone younger than me is an idiot. People
older than me feel the same way, and so want nothing to do with me.
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I wish there was a mosquito on my cheek, just so I'd have an excuse to punch myself in the face.
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I'm all for progress, but these new chip-and-PIN wishing wells seem to have lost the elegiac whimsy of the originals.
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You should also let the bad times roll. It's not their fault.
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I've got some flotsam, but still need to get some jetsam.
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There's no need to run and scream. Explosions are far more afraid of you than you are of them.
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A rabbit frozen in the headlights is a refreshing frosty treat on a hot day.
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I'd rather have a concussion than a discussion.
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I like it when people have funny things on their aprons. Like splattered clown batter.
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You are wise to hide both your money and the fact of its being hidden. Your 'secret safe' secret is safe with me.
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I've been dusting. But I haven't been impersonating Dustin Hoffman whilst doing so. That would be weird.
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Whenever a rower insists on calling their oars "blades", I slash their throat with a razor-oar.
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You can perm anything. It doesn't have to be hair.
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I think this new Sky football co-commentator is actually OK. But maybe I'm just playing Neville's advocate...
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I tried to start up a doorbell repair business, but my clients never seemed to be home.
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A Thermos of warm milk can help you sleep. Especially if it's dropped on your head by a condor.
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I need someone to slap me in the face, but I don't think any of my
colleagues will be appalled enough to do it, no matter what I say.
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In a stupor, perusing the "fruit of the month" sign in the coffee shop, I
nearly said "plums" instead of "thanks". Rich in iron, apparently.
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The Great Wall of China is the only man-made structure you can see from inside the Great Wall of China.
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I just poured a bucketload of coffee into my weary husk of a body. It's
like covering the Mary Celeste in petrol and expecting it to fly.
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I'm worried I might be lost in the Sahara and that all this - my desk, my job, Twitter - is just a tedious mirage.
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I do have sand between my toes, but that might be because I spent the morning kicking in egg-timers.
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SLAVE-MANAGEMENT TIP: The best way to deal with a cross slave is by using a Philips-head slavedriver.
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If you've had a sick day in the modern slang sense (ie. a really good
day), you don't need to fill in a form. Thanks to HR for clarifying.
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Writing the word "condensation" with your finger in some condensation conjures up a heck of a lot of respect from me, buddy.
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Marketing is a subtle art. Eg: "The Whopper" is a successful brand name
for a burger, but would be totally unsuited to a soprano saxophone.
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I don't agree with people who say that I agree with them. Unless I do.
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This cigar funhouse is just a lot of smoke and mirrors.
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I AM BIVALENCE.
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You live by the sword, you die by the sword. But the Rightmove website
doesn't allow you to filter properties by sword proximity. #flawed
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I've just drawn a perfect comparison. It looks just like one.
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When we played 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' at school, I always felt sorry for the girl who had no shoulders.
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I'm vibrating due to too much coffee and am now magnetic. Does anyone need any paper clips?
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I always panic when I'm asked if I want to save changes. Sometimes I
click 'No' by mistake and have to undergo yet another vasectomy.
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I shouldn't have picked those regret-me-nots.
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Everyone swears. They should just incorporate 'washing the mouth out with soap' into the burial process.
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If someone says "I'm not made of money!", bite down on them - just to make sure.
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One day on Pluto is the equivalent of 153 Earth hours. So getting your 5-a-day is a piece of piss.
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I always comb my hair after showering because it's the best way to clean my comb.
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I urge you to reconsider.
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I re-urge you to reconsider.
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Silent to bed and secret to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, stealthy and wise.
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I'm Top Dog around the office. In fact, I was the only member of staff to make the dog list. #proud
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I don't like this coat rack. It's craning over my desk, as if to say "No
coat again, Paul?". I had to eat it, OK?! WE'RE NOT ALL COAT RACKS.
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I'd like to become some sort of guru, but that was too vague for Jim'll Fix It.
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WRITING TIP: Writing is rewriting. And vice versa. Also, reading is re-reading. And making a quiche is re that also.
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WRITING TIP: Show, don't tell. Don't ever tell. What are you, some kind
of grass? Keep schtum. SHOW. In fact, don't even show. Allude.
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WRITING TIP: Character names are important. No-one will buy a prison warden called Lonnie. It would never happen.
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WRITING TIP: Structure is like a platinum exoskeleton - it may protect
your organs, but you'll struggle to climb through a kitchen window.
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I'm writing a book of my writing tips. Unfortunately, I've been following the tips. Now I've got no book and a load of quiche.
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I've never been steeped in anything.
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I like using Notepad. It makes me feel like a Raymond Chandler character. Especially when I'm wearing this hat.
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If you're loud enough, it doesn't matter how good/bad your trumpet impression is.
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Who you are isn't about what you do, it's about why you DON'T. #wisdom
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I need to lie down. I've tried lying up, but it unsettles people.
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If you press a key into the palm of your hand for three minutes, WHY?
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"How would you like your zebra-steak cooked?" "Roar" - An extract from
the lion-based sitcom I'm working on. Provisional title: THE MANE MAN
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From inside a shark, you can safely see an underwater cage in its natural environment.
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Sometimes, I realise I've mistyped my password half-way through, but hit
enter anyway. Just in case the whole "password" thing is a sham.
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I think this shirt might be on the way out. It's fraying to God - losing its structural integrity like Voldemort on a waltzer.
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If you use enough mascara, you can make your eyelashes curl all the way
back over your head. So you don't have to wear a bike helmet.
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My policeman friend was involved in an accident. He claims to have had an out-of-Bobby experience. #thumbsup
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It seems likely that getting the 'i' and the 'e' the right way round in
the word "achievement" will be my biggest acheivement of the day.
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I'll never forget where I was the day the Berlin Wall came down, but I'm terrible with faces.
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There's some sort of mowing/blowing/trimming/strimming noise outside. It
reminds me of when I was listening to the same noise moments before
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I've barely had time to catch my breath today. Managed it though. I
tricked it into a cupboard and then knocked it out with a cricket bat.
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I lost consciousness, and when I woke up there was a '2' in the year.
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The best thing about being in prison is that you killed that guy.
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I bet in the old days, there was an ground-breaking "anti-jester", who deconstructed jesterism. And I bet he was beheaded.
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Actors put ice cubes in their mouths to stop their breath steaming on cold days, or if they're playing someone addicted to ice.
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Identical twins can always sense when their hair has caught on fire.
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Just received a mysterious bunch of flowers from "A Secret Admyra Hindley". Now I don't know what to think.
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Diane Keaton is my favourite Batman.
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My catchphrase is "My catchphrase is [BLANK]".
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THE EAR: If you put your mind to it, you can hear brainwaves.
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The sad truth about the saucy, bawdy window-cleaner stereotype is that squeegees make you impotent.
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It's chilly today, but that doesn't mean you can store all frozen goods
in the hall and convert your freezer into a rabbit hutch. Seriously.
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I thought I was going to do well in my Monk Exams, but only got a D in Vow of Silence Studies. Looks like I spoke too soon.
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I don't want to make any snap judgements, but crackle and pop are both dicks.
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That's the way the cookie crumbles. It crumbles like some tweets.
I hope you've enjoyed yourself today. You don't have to have enjoyed reading this, but I hope you've done something else fun. Like watching the news. Maybe you've had some toast. I just hope that this hasn't dragged your day's average quality level down too much.
Join me next time, for something that I haven't thought of yet.
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