Banana Mayonnaise

Good afternoon. I hope you're all having a lovely day. As long as your enjoyment isn't at the expense of any of my other readers.

Ha! "Other readers". Hilarious. I've still got it!

It's been a while since my last tweet compendium. And in that time, many things have happened. Not to me. But to others. To more interesting people. You should read their compendia.

I imagine they're not industrious or vain enough to produce compendia. So you're stuck with me.

I'm watching Final Score whilst doing this, so I hope I don't include any football scores by mistake.

Saints are drawing 2-2 at the moment. I'll keep you updated.

But this isn't about football! It's about TINY CHUNKS OF SLIGHTLY FUNNY. These are my most recent tweets. If you'd like to follow me, you should find a button to the right of this entry.

Without further ado, here are some jokes 'n' such, in the latest edition of:

Tiny Fun Chunks

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Never underestima

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I rubbed my eyes and a genie granted me three wishes: 1) blurred vision, 2) a tired, downtrodden look, 3) hallucinations (genie-related)

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I like dogs, but could never marry one. They're just so shallow.

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I feel guilty about hanging up on people. So I hang down and hope for the best.

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Single German women are always looking for Mr Recht.

[Edior/Paul's note: I suppose 'Herr Recht' would have been better]

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I prefer light-hearted crime movies, which is why I'm a big fan of the ger film. (That's the gangster film, but without the angst)

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Q: Why does Batman drive on the left? A: Because he's in Cyprus at the moment.

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Fasten all your REMemos together with a Michael Stipeler.

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I won't wash my mug before going on holiday. It's a test. Let's expose this "hygiene" conspiracy once and for all. #cleanasawhistleblower

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I'll never be one of those people who name their pets. "Rabbit" is good enough for me.

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Friday! My thinking week is over (for another year). Next up: 51 weeks of thinking weak.

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The Chief of Relief selects a chosen phew.

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I wish people would stop tweeting about bracken. It's all 'bracken' this and 'bracken' that. Everyone likes bracken! WE GET IT, OK?

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You can harry someone, but you can't hermione them. And if you try to ron them, they'll call the police.

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I want to follow in my father's handsteps. (He's an acrobat)

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I'm tired of cleaning, so I just burned down a car wash.

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The best way to find out if your neighbour is a witch, is to write "WITCH?", backwards, on her forehead or son.

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The most competitve event at the Butchers' Olympics is the one hundred meaters.

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I find Santa Claus funny, but not 'ho-ho' funny.

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When a hyena gets depressed, it becomes a lowena. And the laughter stops.

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Zorro is just an annoying laddish nickname. His full name is Zorrance.

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Every morning, I stretch my calves, my quadriceps and the truth.

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The main reason Window-Face wasn't taken seriously as a supervillain was his glass jaw. (Also, his nefarious plans were quite transparent)

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"It's curtains for you, Window-Face!" This comic book writes itself. #windowface

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"Ah-ha! That disguise doesn't fool me, Window-Face!" "I'm not Window-Face. I'm Widow-Face." "Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry." #windowface

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I weigh up my options, but my options weigh me down.

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I'm in a bit of a stupor today. I'm not sure which bit. Probably the tup.

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It's difficult to look dignified when yawning. My technique is to quickly stuff a Fabergé egg into my open mouth.

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When the Queen dies, there will be a rush of people trying to spend cash. It's only legal tender until her face completely decomposes.

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You have to take Dead Sea lobsters with a pinch of salt.

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Q: How much is that doggie in the window? A: Entirely.

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We've got too many condiments in our fridge. Surely we don't need three kinds of banana mayonnaise.

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Don't want to arouse suspicion? Whistle playfully. Aroused by suspicion? Whistle 'Deutschland, Deutschland über alles'. Playfully.

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Any sport that requires a single special glove is nothing to be proud of.

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It will be weird when all the old people are dead.

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There's nothing more comforting than a bacon sandwich stroking your hair and going "Shhhh. I'm here, I'm here".

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I like to wear black because it makes me look mournier.

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i Am WrItInG tHiS tWeEt In ShIfTs>

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I have a fear of flying (into volcanoes).

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I'm trying to cut back, but I can't reach.

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"Red and green shells are distinct, but can interact with each other" - Mario Kartesian Dualism

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Holding a puttercup under your chin is a good way to tell if you like golf (or fictional flowers).

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The best way to smoke underwater? Scuban cigars.

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White supremacists keep their fish in an aquaryan.

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Slicked bread is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Mmm, SLICKED BREAD!

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I think I might be pregnant. I have a sudden craving for solipsism. Well okay, it's not THAT sudden...

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I'm going to move from the armchair to the sofa. After which, me and Kerouac are pretty much even stevens.

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DigniFido = a dog I will never own.

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I've just improvised a song, the lyrics of which were: "We should get The Godfather Trilogy; We should get rapey and pillagey." #proud

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This weather is boring. Maybe we should have one of those hurringcanes I keep hearing about.

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Has anyone ever used an Oscar statuette as a sex aid? I've just asked Jeeves, but he's useless. (BTW, my guess = yes)

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I'm feeling deinvigorated today. I need to splash some cold coffee in my face or get in a fight with a coked-up cheerleader. That'll do it.

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This new Auto Epidermis Controller really makes my skin crawl.

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New Product Idea: CERANADE - A romantic soft drink, flavoured with extract of actor Michael Cera. Gawky and delicious!

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I like the sensation of someone running their hand through its paces.

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Do you think anyone ever called Moses 'Mo' for short? I bet someone did. But they probably got smited or drowned or something.

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"Orange" is one of the only words in the English language for which there is no opposite.

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Six words that will get you out of trouble if you're ever caught selling crystal meth: "I AM AN UNDERCOVER POLICE DOG".

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I'm on the train, but my next tweet is so important it can't wait.

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The most energizing French sport is Red Boules.

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END OF COMMUNICATION

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All Simpsons episodes since that Michael Jackson asylum one are just an insane Homer's progressively incoherent delusions.

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Any Westerner who has ever been to Bali is a DISGUSTING human being.

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If you ever see someone carrying a burning scythe, shout "You look like death warmed up!", then take an overdose.

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I think I might start smoking, just so I have an "out" when trapped in an awkward conversation.

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Of course, I might then get trapped in awkward conversations with with other smokers. But if that happens, emphysema can be my Superman.

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Do what thou Dunst shall be the whole of the Law.

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I should probably trim my beard. It's tickling my knees. Or I could just stop sitting like this.

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After coming back from holiday, it's always interesting to see which of the test subjects have survived.

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I don't believe in corporeal punishment.

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In Back to the Future II, one of Griff's henchmen insults Marty by calling him "bojo". The London Mayor's legacy will last another 4 years.

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When I see the streetlight illuminate the raindrops on our window like diamonds afire, I can't help but wonder who stole our curtains.

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My anemone's anemone is my frienend.

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He who laughs last, laughs.

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I'm writing this tweet in the style of someone wearing a souwester. To be honest, it doesn't affect my typing much.

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I bet I could beat Pete Seeger at Tekken 3.

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If you wear a parrot on your shoulder for more than three months, you get a telegram from the RSPB requesting that you "DON'T".

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I'm going to wash up my mug. I'm going to sing my "washing up my mug" song whilst doing so. (I rhyme 'beverage' with 'leverage')

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"Dirk Kirk worked for a Turk. The Turk smirked. The smirk irked Dirk Kirk." My children's book is nearly finished.

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Comparing two things to chalk and cheese is totally different to saying they're like cats and dogs. It's apples and oranges.

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I'll write a contraction for a small apostrofee.

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Seeing my mug clean seems indecent somehow. Like seeing a colleague naked. And with a handle.

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Jane Seymour isn't the only one of Henry VIII's wives to be in Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman. Catherine Parr played a corrupt florist!

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Loud, posh man outside is outraged that we don't have a letterbox in our building. We know, mate. We know. No need to go on about it.

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The sluttiest Poddington Pea was Grou-Pea.

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(I didn't make a Her-Peas joke because I'm a gentleman)

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Speaking of The Poddington Peas, I bet The Jolly Green Giant is their Godzilla.

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In support of vertigo sufferers, I've rotated my Twitter profile picture 360°.

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I just spent 30 seconds wondering if I should do a tweet which has the punchline "I had pliers remorse". I decided not to.

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Film Pitch: HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID - Adam Sandler plays his own son who's also a goat. Bogart is digitally added as laconic sheep.

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I believe it was Bob Evans who said: "A movie without a comma in the title is like a book without a character called 'Jameson'. USELESS."

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"I don't know how you can live with yourself!" Clone arguments are confusing.

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I don't believe in meas. (Half measures)

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The real tragedy is that anyone involved in organising a pork auction will be too professional to call it a porktion.

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This Gillette Hydra Gel is rubbish. Every time I shave off one hair, two more grow back in its place.

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You can't make an omelette. No. NO.

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I will ask a tattoo artist if they will tattoo a tattoo of themselves giving me an arm tattoo on their own arm. And they will say no.

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Ten green bottles, sitting on the wall. Humpty Dumpty is drunk again. He should take better care of himself.

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Every Tuesday, the government should make one coin worth triple its usual value. But you have to guess.

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Supermarket Sweep was the lowest-selling of the Sooty & Pals action figure range.

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"Invest your money in The Bank of Englund!" - Robert Englund

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Don't call honey "honey". It's patronising. Call it bee-goo.

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"Punchishness, overwant, slug, backpatting, sexery, green eyes, and excessive munch." - the seven deadly synonyms.

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Do as I don't, not as I do.

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Gleugh. I just got a mouthful of coffee grounds from the bottom of my mug. I think that's GROUNDS for COMPLAINT! AM I RIGHT?!LOL!

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Maybe these aren't coffee grounds... As a side note: does anyone know how much caffeine there is in spider eggs?

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From best to worst, this is how I like my toast: buttered, battered, bettered, bittered, bottered.

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It's raining. Nice weather for being patronising about the weather preferences of ducks.

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Only one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World is still in my airing cupboard.

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I wonder if anyone has ever spilled blood, spilled the beans and spilled their guts simultaneously. I put newspaper down, just in case.

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I'd hate for a shark to attack me in print or a lagoon.

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Whenever I'm shopping for belts, I ask "Do you have any belks?". Make the salesman earn his commission.

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If you took all the menus from all the restaurants in London, you'd probably need some kind of lorry.

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Film Pitch: MONEY TALKS - Amy Adams plays Honey "Money" Tunney, a green-faced mute, taught diction by Ben Franklin.

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Quiz Show Pitch: THE QUARRY - 10 contestants, 1 quarry, and some kind of jeopardy. I don't know, maybe there could be some kind of bomb?

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Drama Series Pitch: BREAKING BABS - A bald Barbara Windsor learns how to make crystal meth.

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Kitchenware Pitch: SIEVE TYLER - A sieve in the shape of Liv Tyler. For specific baking.

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My theory on stacking beds has been debunked.

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The capital of Christmas Island is Flying Fish Cove. I'd like to move there, carrying a fishbrella made of tinsel.

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There's a lot of hammering and drilling coming from downstairs. Probably shouldn't have locked all those carpenters down there.

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When renewable energy sources are discussed, no-one ever brings up KC and the Sunshine Band. Let's save the planet, guys!

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The Lord's pie is my shepherd's pie.

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I bet when Bruce Wayne is in a meeting, he asks Commissioner Gordon to put the Bat-Signal on vibrate.

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I just googled "moustachemellows". Nothing. This planet needs to sort out its priorities.

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InverteBrut: The Scent of a Man With No Backbone

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What's the oddest number? I think it's a 5 that's wearing an Aswad T-shirt with no sleeves. Why is he doing that?

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"Jack and gel went down to Hell. Styling your hair is a sin." There's a new Barber Church on our street.

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At lunch, I used the phrase "I ain't just whistlin' Dixie" in conversation. #renaissanceman

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I think the most poorly-judged cheese rebrand was Dairylea Harvey Oswald.

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I don't want to know if there's a product called Quorn on the Quob. It's the sheer POSSIBILITY that's exciting.

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How does Thor cut his grass? With a Nornmower.

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I will always offer my seat to a pregnant woman, door-to-door.

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Cult leaders think about sects once every seven seconds.

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There's only room for half a tomato plant on my notallotment.

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It's lucky I'm good at giving massages. On the bus today, everybody's shoulders were SO tense!

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I keep dreaming about weird, interconnected eights. I must have been visited by the ampersandman.

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The phone booth is an anachronism. They'll be extinct soon. And they'll take prostitutes' cards, Superman and Colin Farrell with them.

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"My friend is obsessed with eating fish eggs in pastry. He's a pie roe maniac!" ... *GUNSHOT* *GUNSHOT* *sobbing* *GUNSHOT*

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I always read the last page of a book first, but only if it's one of those "choose your own direction" stories.

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I'd like to buy the rights to Saved by the Bell and digitally add a wise-cracking CGI bell to all repeats. It can LITERALLY save them.

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Everyone has one drawer in their house that they don't know how to relate to.

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Scientists now believe the eternal flame began with a Big Bangle.

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Red squirrels are only red because they're embarrassed about the whole "nut" situation.

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'Hoover' is a BRAND NAME. It should be J. Edgar Vacuum Cleaner

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Nature abhors a Hoover.

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"The clock struck one" - The Queen, reporting a timepiece-related injury.

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People whose spirits have really been raised can become BUBAR (Bucked-Up Beyond All Recognition).

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I'm worried about losing my hair, so I've equipped each of them with Running Man-style explosive follicollars. They ain't getting far.

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You should make use of the storage space inside empty promises. You can fit a lot of disappointment in there. And a king-sized duvet!

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The best type of peephole mover is some kind of convoyeur belt.

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There's no "me" in "remedial".

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I used a pedestrian crossing earlier. Really uninspired.

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I'm going to eat 80% of an apple. I'm not a madman.

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It's polite to say your name when answering the phone. But you shouldn't say your "prison name".

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I've got an arrangement with my stylist. I stay inside, and he stays fictional.

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Make hay while the sun shines with the new Solar-Powered Haymaker 8000™.

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Our local bus route is getting completely refurbished. They're pulling out all the stops.

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There were loads of fads at our school: pogs, yo-yos, marbles, parbles, football stickers, City Slickers stickers, Joan Armatrading Cards..

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...Pokémon, Polly Pocket, Pocket Polly (small parrots), wrestling, conkers, learning, knives, Bucky O'Hare, injustice, marbles again, grief.

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But that's what life is like as a child. Everything means everything for 14 seconds, and then it means nothing. As an adult, it's 20.

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There was something about Tweedledum & Tweedledee's younger brother Carl that set him apart.

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I can see some spicy chicken in my peri-peripheral vision

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I can never decide on whether it should be Puff, Filo or Shortcrust. That's why I hope we have triplets.

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I'd rather say "onse" than host a seance.

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I can never decide which suit to wear to a funeral. Hearts convey love, but spades have that cheeky gravedigger irony. Clubs are a no-no.

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Disappointment rarely lives up to my expectations.

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Film Pitch: I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF - Arianna Huffington, Puff Daddy (circa 1997) and a magic dragon get shirty when confronted by a wolf.

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Quiz Show Pitch: BONEMARROW WHEELBARROW - A bit like It's a Knockout, but with serious consequences for expectant patients.

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Sitcom Pitch: HAROLD RAMIS: SEAMSTRESS - Harold Ramis (playing himself) becomes a seamstress. No laughter track.

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Due to British broadcasting law, TV programmes are unable to show a pig brushing a child's hair before the watershed.

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I can't wait until saying "Cowabunga!" is back in fashion next year.

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My judgement is like a fine apple juice. Clouded. And tart.

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Dan was so cocky and obnoxious after he ate his own clone. He was totally full of himself.

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Autumn cleaning today. There's none of the sunny optimism of spring cleaning. It's mostly raking dead leaves from veterans' graves.

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Sweep conkers into abandoned coal mine. #autumncleaning

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Neatly fold and put away the shorts and Hawaiian shirts you never had a chance to wear. #autumncleaning

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Prepare to scare children at Halloween by not washing until November. #autumncleaning 

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Use a dead squirrel to scrub uplifting murals from a warehouse wall. #autumncleaning

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That's your lot.

And that salty pillar over there is your Lot's wife. You can use it on chips.

It's still 2-2 in the football as I write this.

fginhgrefrfsx crtiosdsdsedd.

Sorry, that was "fingers crossed".

It's difficult to type with your fingers crossed.