The Big Idea

You can all relax. I've made the discovery that will make me rich and famous.

It's quite a relief. I've spent years searching for the 'big idea' that will earn me millions.

This blog has proved to be something of a financial cul-de-sac. My naan bread-based takeaway Naan Of The Above never really took off (I don't know how to make naan bread).

But finally - FINALLY - the answer to my prayers is here. This idea with garner a lot of media attention. I'm not saying I'm going to be the next Matt Groening, but I do have a beard and a certain level of genius.

So. Here it is.

The Bike Brigade

They're a group of bicycle-themed superheroes. They fight crime using various bikey powers. Their enemies might be cars or pedestrians or something. Or pollution. I haven't really thought about it.

I'm not 100% sold on the name. 'The Bike Brigade' seems a bit lame. If anyone has any suggestions for a better one, I'll cut you in for six percent of the profits.

But the members of the Brigade (or 'BB' for short) as as impressive as the group name isn't.

Members:

Peddler

Founder, financial backer and driving force of the Bike Brigade. Peddler is a nonagenarian who fought crime in the old days (i.e. pre-1980), riding a penny-farthing. Now too old to make a difference, he's set up a new generation to continue his legacy.

Peddler is bedridden, but is still able to operate complicated pedalo-style machinery with his powerful legs. He's probably avenging something, but no-one really cares what.

The Spokesman

The leader of the group. The Spokesman is an eloquent orator, and has the power to control spokes. He can probably shoot them out of his hands. In fact, his hands are made of spokes. He's classy, professional, but has a certain wry charm. Possible catchphrase: "There's nowt so queer as spokes". (He's a gay Yorkshireman)

Vandalbars

Randal "The Vandal" Bandalbars was a troubled teenager from a broken home. He took his frustrations out on the windows, bus shelters and pensioners of his run-down neighbourhood. But the law finally caught up with him, and put him in the stocks (they still do that in Scotland). But they trapped him between two sets (sets?) of stocks, so his arms were outstretched in a T-shape. Left there too long, his arms are now permanently outstretched - JUST LIKE A PAIR OF HANDLEBARS.

But the punishment changed his outlook. Now he must cope with his arm curse and use his hooligan skills to fight crime, all the time also fighting against his rebellious impulses.

Belle

A beautiful metallic robot, who tinkles delightfully to alert people to her presence. Belle was created by a a mad twee scientist who also created the sleeping kitten grenade and flutterscotch (a cross between butterflies and whisky).

Belle turned on her evil master and joined the Bike Brigade's noble cause (whatever it turns out to be). Belle is relentlessly pleasant, to the point of making her a really dull character. But she sure is sexy!

Saddlesaur

On an early BB mission, one of Peddler's time machines accidentally took them back to prehistoric times. On returning home, they found a stowaway - a dinosaur with a head shaped like a saddle. Taking this as a good omen, Saddlesaur was formally invited to join the team.

Saddlesaur is fast and hugely powerful, but she's not too quick on the uptake. She's a dinosaur. They're not that bright by today's standards.

Tyra

Tyra made her name as the meanest professional wrestler in the Dakotas. With her tyre-style girth, she is nearly invulnerable to pain. Looking for more exciting challenges, she's joined up with the BB to kick arse and grip the road. She's African-American, sassy, and has a furious temper. But, to make sure this isn't too patronising or reductive, she also has a PhD in physics.

(For those keeping track at home, suggesting that a PhD is somehow incongruous with being sassy and black, is itself incredibly offensive. But writing this little disclaimer shows that I'm aware of it, freeing me up with more appalling stereotypes later on.)

Dick Chainey

On a tour of a munitions plant, former US Vice President Dick Cheney masturbated whilst thinking about all the foreigners that would be killed by the weapons all around him. His semen (which possesses demonic properties, not yet understood by medicine) fell through a grate and landed on a harmless inanimate bike chain.

However, the strange properties of Cheney's malevolent fluid somehow fused with the atoms in the chain, granting it sentience. The chain, now able to take humanoid form, is a metallic clone of Cheney, but the purity of the metal keeps the evil locked away. Christening himself Dick Chainey, this new hero uses his chain-based powers to fight evil with the Bike Brigade, all the while keeping the dark, evil, Republican, side of his character hidden from his team-mates.

Headquarters:

A bike shed somewhere.

Transport:

I can't decide if they all combine into a giant bike (Power Rangers-style), or if they ride separate bikes. They can't really have a car, can they? It would muddy the waters of their message (whatever that is).

***

So, what do you think?

I think we should go straight to a Saturday-morning cartoon series. We'll merchandise the HELL out of it (every child in the Western world will want a Dick Chainey action figure).

Also, as it's advocating cycling (important for maintaining a healthy bike physique), we can have them advertised in schools. We can have people dressed as the BB giving talks on bike safety.

Eventually, I'm sure Michael Bay will be interested in a movie. I'm already casting it in my head.

Its great to finally get this out there! I suppose I might be busy buying houses and whatnot with my vast royalties, so if I don't post for a while, that's why. Keep a look out for me in Forbes.

And remember: you heard it here first!