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It's been a while, so let's dip into the Headscissors mailbag!

 

Talkin' Scissors

Hey P-Dawg

I've never written to a blog before, but after reading your latest post ("The End", dated 5 March 2010), I felt compelled to put pen to paper and let you know how ambivalent I felt about it.

I didn't hate it, but I can't really understand why you bothered writing it. The whole "twins" beginning didn't really make sense, though I suppose there was the germ of something interesting there.

The rest of it wasn't very well explored. It really was exceptionally average.

Keep up the work.

Nico Fronz

Portland, ME 

Hey Nico! Thanks for your letter! I can totally understand your feelings about that entry. It certainly did seem like filler. Maybe I'll follow up on the "twins" idea some other time. Hopefully the average entries are counterbalanced by the excellent and terrible entries!

Dear Paul

Long time reader, first time writer. Seriously. This is the first thing I've ever written. I'm only three.

Just wanted to drop you a line to say how much I'm enjoying 'Headscissors'. I've read several blogs, but this one doesn't make me want to kill myself. I was wondering if you could answer a few questions.

1) In Post #502 ("Willpower"), you claim that watching Alan Shearer on television made you ill. Given that germs cannot be transmitted via television, how do you explain your accusation?

2) You've often spoken out in praise of The Armando Iannucci Shows. Does it ever bother you that the vowel-consonant pattern of his surname goes vvccvccv?

3) What's your favourite bread magazine?

4) Do you accept unsolicited blog articles? I have an idea for a short dialogue between two unlikely objects that I think is tailor made for 'Headscissors'.

PS. It's my tiny uncle's birthday next Wednesday.

Lerter Kilvers

Stockholm, Sweden

Such kind words! And so well written for a three-year-old! Thanks Lerter! I'll do my best to answer your questions.

1) I am aware that such a contagion is impossible, I suggested Shearer was to blame as a form of surreal humour. I respect him as a man and am sure he would never knowingly infect a MOTD viewer.

2) It does now!

3) I like The Daily Seeded Batch, but do most of my bread reading online nowadays.

4) I'm afraid I cannot accept unsolicited writing. This is due to the fact that I'm lazy, and other people make me all sad down my trousers.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to your minute uncle!

Dear Headscissors Head Office

This is the third time I have written to you with no response. PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THIS LETTER. I have been trapped in your disabled toilet for three months. No, I'm not disabled. Yes, I know I shouldn't be using it. I'm sorry. I feel terrible about it. But the handle broke off he door and fell into the sink, which in turn was accidentally flushed down the toilet whilst I WASN'T masturbating.

I've tried phoning for an ambulance, but they're not interested.

PLEASE LET ME OUT. I'VE HAD TO EAT URINAL CAKES. AND THERE ISN'T EVEN A URINAL IN HERE.

Karla Judd

Headscissors Office Disabled Toilet,

Waxahachie, TX

Thanks for your letter, Karla! Unfortunately, by the time we got around to opening your letter, you were already dead. Apologies.

Dear Headscissors
My friends have been telling me about your blog for years. "It's great," they said. I disagreed. But due to their persistence, I've begun to... well, not LIKE your blog exactly, but respect it somewhat. Not many people would start a blog post with no ideas, but you seem to do it constantly.
One suggestion: I was wondering if you had a fax number to send these messages to. Or even an electronic-mail address. Writing this letter has cost me my job as the manager of a quill factory.
Yours
Sean Penn
Hollywood, CA

Thanks Sean! We've always been willing to experiment with new technologies. It is possible to leave electronic comments (or "electro-thoughts") at the bottom of each blog post. Writing here will reduce the delay in publishing your feedback. We are still wading through letters that were sent before this blog even began. One is from a triceratops (judging by the handwriting).

That's all for this time, folks! Remember: without you, this blog would be marginally more pathetic.

Send your letters to:

Talkin' Scissors

8212 Scrupulous Drive

Waxahachie, TX

Remember, if you want your letter to be published, mark "OK TO PRINT" on your correspondence. TIP: Letters written in the bath may become unreadable.