The Portfolio

I've always considered myself an ideas man. 

Ideas come quickly to me. That's not arrogance. It's not even a conscious thing. I'm just a conduit - a lightning conductor for genius. It's not talent, just a natural phenomenon. Like a really tall man, or someone born with feet ideally suited to raking leaves.

Admittedly, I'm not so good when it comes to the execution of said ideas. I don't even try. I have no practical skills, no drive, no contacts, no track record. But the ideas are there.

On Twitter, I'm particularly fond of pitching ideas for films, sitcoms, quiz shows, reality shows.  I could be the new Endemol. Or Baby Cow. Or one of the other production companies that exist, which I've definitely heard of.

I think I might form my own production company. Of course, someone else will have to take care of the "production" side of things. As I said, products are not my forte. But there's one thing I can produce: POSSIBILITIES.

I just need to decide on a name. I've used Mick Stmedia Productions on here before. I like that. Mick Stmedia isn't my real name. But Steve Coogan's real name isn't Baby Cow. To the best of my knowledge.

The other company name I like is Productio Ad Absurdum. It might be a bit too clever, though. My target audience will almost certainly be idiots.

Maybe I should use both. It would imply there was some kind of glorious merger. I could be a conglomerate. I don't know the technical definition of a conglomerate, but I like the word. Especially "glom".

So this entry will document the ideas I've put forward so far. We'll be able to identify themes, capture any lost gems and stuff all the brilliance into one handy lump. I can send executives a link to this entry, and they'll probably offer me work immediately.

I imagine 80% of these will have aired by the end of the year.

Mick Stmedia Productions/Productio Ad Absurdum

Presents

Films

Film Pitch: CIGARFIELD - Sarcastic cat franchise reboot. Garfield (voiced by Andrew Garfield) is slowly smoked by a lasagna magnate.

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Film Pitch: KARAOKE KARADOKE - Carrie O'Quay is forced to carry a dough key, to open some sort of bread lock. A musical.

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Film Pitch: BOOM AND BUST - Road movie featuring Basil Brush and a buxom actress breaking the sound barrier and declaring bankruptcy.

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Film Pitch: DRIVING MYTH DAISY - A cow tells increasingly dubious motoring anecdotes (e.g. traffic lights don't apply to the Norse).

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Film Pitch: HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID - Adam Sandler plays his own son who's also a goat. Bogart is digitally added as laconic sheep.

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Film Pitch: MONEY TALKS - Amy Adams plays Honey "Money" Tunney, a green-faced mute, taught diction by Ben Franklin.

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Film Pitch: I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF - Arianna Huffington, Puff Daddy (circa 1997) and a magic dragon get shirty when confronted by a wolf.

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Film Pitch: VENTRILOSCHISM - Ventriloquist creates a wacky new character whose mouth is a tear in the Earth's crust. Learns to be himself.

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Film Pitch: GARY - Gareth 'Gary' Garner is an average Joe, but an above-average Gary. Romance subplot - ghosts?

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Film Pitch: SMARTPHONE - A new smartphone is invented that's TOO smart. Misunderstandings, subway chase, Ryan Reynolds. (Ghosts?)

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Film Pitch: THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN 2: DUBIOUS HILLOCK - self-explanatory.

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Film Pitch: THE FRAGRANT VAGRANT. A homeless man overcomes prejudice and forms his own organic perfume company. Ryan Reynolds to star.

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Film Pitch: WELL, DUH! - Mel De Gelder becomes a sarcastic welder. Obviously.

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Film Pitch: OPEN MIKE - Michael 'Mike' Rophone is an aspiring comedian. Doctors are unable to sew him up after surgery. His gigs improve.

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Film Pitch: CON-FUSION - Two convicted criminals are stuck together due to radiation or something, and struggle to fill out forms.

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Film Pitch: HORSE - a moving drama about a horse, includes other horses, horses running, hooves, manes, an arrogant horse character(?). 

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Notes:

Lots to get your teeth into there. I would say most of these have commercial appeal. Maybe not the welding one. The important thing is that I'm able to suggest ideas for a number of genres. I don't want to be pigeon-holed. 'SMARTPHONE' seems the most boring, and thus has the most chance of being a success.

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Horror

Horror Film Pitch: OMEGABITES. People get killed whilst eating letter-based potatoes. Whatever you do, don't spell d-e-a-t-h.

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Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I'm not crazy, I'm just axey dent prone! AHAHAHAHA!" (The killer has an axe. Which makes dents in things)

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Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I'm not crazy, I'm just working on some DIEalogue! AHAHAHAHA!" (The killer is a screenwriter. A bad one.)

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Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I hope.. grr.. something really.. awful happens to you. I hope you get injured." (The killer is unimaginative)

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Notes:

An off-shoot of the film division here. The top pitch is based on popular 80s frozen letter-shaped potato products Alphabites. I'm not sure if this has a broad enough appeal, to be honest. But the dialogue speaks for itself (as all dialogue should). These lines could be inserted into any film or family conversation.

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Quiz Shows

Quiz Show Pitch: THE QUARRY - 10 contestants, 1 quarry, and some kind of jeopardy. I don't know, maybe there could be some kind of bomb?

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Quiz Show Pitch: FENCE - Contestants try to force their faces through a wire mesh fence whilst I ask them about the Crimea.

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Quiz Show Pitch: ACORNS AND PAINCORNS - War of squirrel attrition, jeering public places bets, they lose homes/families. Host = giant nut.

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Quiz Show Pitch: EXHUME ROBERT MITCHUM - two teams are given spades and withering looks in the Arizona sun.

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Quiz Show Pitch: WHICH WITCH WATCH? - Contestants attempt to identify occult timepieces, and avoid burning in Hell for all eternity.

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Quiz Show Pitch: PASS THE PARCEL - Everyone's favourite party game - but with a twist. Every parcel is an onion. AN ONION!

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Quiz Show Pitch: METAQUIZ - Join contestants in betting on who will win other - more successful - quiz shows.

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Quiz Show Pitch: BONEMARROW WHEELBARROW - A bit like It's a Knockout, but with serious consequences for expectant patients.

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Quiz Show Pitch: COUNT YOUR FINGERS AND TOES WHILST WE THREATEN YOUR CHILDREN - Alexander Armstrong to host.

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Quiz Show Pitch: WHISK - a mix of card game 'whist', board game 'Risk' and kitchen utensil 'whisk'. The stakes are high, as is the meringue.

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Quiz Show Pitch: WHAT'S THAT? Seven contestants of different nationalities try to determine what a particular thing is.

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Notes:

Very strong selection here. In fact, I'd go so far to say that every single one of these is better than every single quiz show on television.

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Sitcoms

Sitcom Pitch: SOME MOTHERS DON'T 'AVE 'EM - Madcap slapstick set in a poorly-run fertility clinic. A foetus Michael Crawford sings the theme

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Sitcom Pitch: HAROLD RAMIS: SEAMSTRESS - Harold Ramis (playing himself) becomes a seamstress. No laughter track.

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Sitcom Pitch: LUNG AT HEART - A human heart (played by Chris Klein) discovers he's adopted, and must live with his lung-lost twin brother!

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Sitcom Pitch: OOH, GET HERCULES! An offensive, homophobic, 70s-style laugh-fest, where Gay Herc undergoes many tasks (fixing boiler etc).

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Sitcom Pitch: MY EIGHTEEN-THOUSAND UNCLES - A hapless college drop-out is forced to live with an unrealistic number of wacky relatives.

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Notes:

I'm surprised I haven't come up with more of these. Some of these seem a bit dated, but LUNG AT HEART has Emmy written all over it.

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Reality Shows

Reality TV Pitch: PELICAN CROSSING - The day-to-day workings of a Pelican crossing. Meet regular crossers and discover their button secrets.

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Reality Show Pitch: MAN-TO-MAN MAR-KING - Down-on-his-luck footballer Marlon King makes gay porn, with the results offensive to everyone.

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Reality Show Pitch: INSIDE BRITAIN'S A - What goes on inside the 'A' of Britain (upper-case). Are there people in there? Weird if there was.

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Not-Exploitative Sensitive Reality TV Documentary Pitch: THE MAN WHOSE FOOT LOOKS LIKE A BAT - probably the animal, but I dunno.

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Reality TV Pitch: ORKNEYS OR BUST (speaks for itself)

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Notes:

I don't really like reality television. But I know that they are fashionable right now (or at least, they were the last time I checked - 2002). 

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Detective/Crime

Detective Show Pitch: LAMPSHADE - Uriah Lampshade is a detective who plays by his own rules. Is a lampshade. Solves crimes, mainly glare and moths.

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Detective Show Pitch: DIAGNOSIS: GIRDER - A bit like House, but the answer always relates to girders. Dick Van Dyke wears a helmet.

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Detective Novel Pitch: CLUES TO A CRIME - A detective (private) analyses clues and incidents to solve crime. Wears hat. Romance subplot.

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Notes:

I threw in the novel pitch in this section, as it can easily be adapted for TV. I can picture all of these in my head already. But that's no use for the public at large. These must be made!

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Prank Shows

Prank Show Pitch: CANDIDE CAMERA - Voltaire films members of the public being hopelessly naive.

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Prank Show Pitch: NET LOSS - Justin Lee Collins steals a fisherman's equipment, clothes and boat, and laughs and laughs and laughs.

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Notes:

This section includes my most high-brow and most low-brow ideas. I don't like prank shows either. But people love to watch the anguish of others.

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Other Television 

TV Show Pitch: HOLMES UNDER THE HAMMER - The famous detective is pinned under the parachute-pants of... Oh, you get the idea.

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Drama Series Pitch: BREAKING BABS - A bald Barbara Windsor learns how to make crystal meth.

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Cookery Show Pitch: SORBET OF PIGS - a refreshing pork-based dessert is cooked by animatronic JFK/Castro puppets. Cold war? You bet!

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Documentary Pitch: OVER THE RAINBOW - We follow several people who used to really like rainbows, but now find them a bit 'meh'.

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New Documentary Sub-Genre Ideas: FLOCKUMENTARY (birds), TICKTOCKUMENTARY (pendulums), BAROQUMENTARY (Caravaggio), DOCUMENTARY (doctors).

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Notes:

These ones don't fit into any of the other categories. I don't know... are they... maybe a bit too specific? I'm probably just being overly-critical. I'd like to see Werner Herzog make OVER THE RAINBOW. And the puppet one.

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Products

Product Pitch: CRABSINTHE - Bohemian shellfish liqueur.

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Medical Equipment Pitch: STEPHOSCOPE - Listen to the internal noises of all Stephanies or Stephens. But not Stevens. Let them die.

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Kitchenware Pitch: THATCHULA - a thatched spatula, for a rustic food-serving experience. Comes with free fire blanket.

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Kitchenware Pitch: SIEVE TYLER - A sieve in the shape of Liv Tyler. For specific baking.

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New Product Idea: A concrete block you can use to save your place when in line at the supermarket. I call it the STANLEY QUEUE BRICK.

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New Product Idea: CERANADE - A romantic soft drink, flavoured with extract of actor Michael Cera. Gawky and delicious!

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Product idea: DOUBLE-UNICYCLE - Two unicycles connected with a frame for added stability.

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Notes:

I'm not just about media. I also have great ideas for household products, as you can see. I'm sure I came up with spin-off of the STANLEY QUEUE BRICK - a sleeping bag for when you're in line to use the toilet. I called it JOHN CUSACK'S JOHN QUEUE SACK. But I can't find any record of it. Maybe I imagined it...

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Miscellaneous

New Character Pitch: MEL ODIOUS. Stinking opera singer.

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New Superhero Idea: AD INFINITUM. Adam Infinitum constantly travels back in time to grant his past self the power of time travel.

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New Charity Idea - Race for Life offshoot: SCARRED FOR LIFE. Just me in a tent with a money-box and a scalpel. Colour scheme: bandages.

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One-Man Play Pitch: SÉAMUS LAST WORDS - Séamus Last is about to die (mountain lion?) & must decide who to phone to say goodbye (low battery)

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Animal Pitch: COG - a cross between a cat and a cog.

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Notes:

A few extra ideas here. Could possibly be workshopped into something. Not sure who to send the new animal idea to. Has anyone got God's email address?

***

Well, I think that's pretty much it. If anyone would like to offer me a job, please do so. I'll be keeping an eye out in case any of these are stolen. Remember, this blog is a binding copyright.

I think.

I asked someone who looked like a lawyer, and he didn't give me a strong no.

If you'd like to help me develop these further, I'll be more than happy to consider offers.

Seeing these all written down in one place... it's quite inspiring, I have to say. I hope you've found the experience just as invigorating.

Cheerio.