Let's do this.
Let's have done this.
You know how often people have said they like these tweet compilations? Never. Do you know how many comments I've had on them? None. Do you know how long it takes to do these? Ages.
But still. Here we seem to be.
I suppose if something serves my ego, I'm happy to do it regardless of common sense.
I've been in a bad mood today. Pretty bloody bad. But some of the below remarks were made when I was happy. Or at least happier. You can probably guess my mood by the number of swear words or capitals I use.
I'm in a pretty bloody bad mood. And the best way to overcome such a mood is to copy and paste sentences of variable quality from one side of the screen to another.
This is my therapy. And I'm sure, by the time I get to the postamble at the bottom of this entry, everything will be just tickety-boo.
So, get some popcorn. Put the children to bed. Pour a glass of red wine. Kick off your legs. Sit back, relax and get ready to scroll downwards. That's right! It's another edition of:
Getting Saner
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Aplomb. You're either born with it or you're not.
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CONGRATULATIONS! You can read!! (If you can't read, please disregard)
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"Call your son Cliff. Go on - it'll be a laugh!" - any given doctor.
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Who is the most jumpy film director? David Flincher.
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People are using the phrase "...like it's going out of fashion" like it's going out of fashion. Which is lucky, because it is.
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Earthworms find it hard to climb the corporate ladder because of the grass ceiling. #absolutelyterrible
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If I owned a tattoo parlour for rodents, I'd call it Rat-A-Tat-Tat. But I don't currently have any such plans.
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There's nothing I like more than you do.
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Some people are having a very loud party on our street. If you follow me and are at that party, please kill everyone you can see.
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I don't object to people having fun. I just think that if they do, they should be muffled by a thick, brown, scratchy blanket in a lake.
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The party appears to be over. Or has at least moved on to a quieter stage, such as bobbing for mittens or vacuum karaoke.
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Lucy just said: "Screw you of little faith!". She has a way with words.
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It's difficult to use left-handed scissors if your hands are covered with magnets.
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Woke up late. Wasn't sure whether to have breakfast or lunch. In the end I panicked and had a Toblerone dipped in a boiled iguana egg.
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I can't remember where I put my lethe-handed scissors...
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People who have a 'can-do' attitude annoy me. I've got a 'can't-don't' attitude, which amounts to the same thing.
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"My voice is as rich and deep as the sarcophagus of Scrooge McDuck." (My CV needs some work)
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It's good to take prepreprecautions. You never know when you'll be called upon to take preprecautions.
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Bumper stickers are the best way to disseminate ignorance at high speed.
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Friends, Romans, countrymen. I'm in the bath. This... this really isn't a good time, OK?
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If you're thinking what I'm thinking, we're both going to prison.
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Let's all join hands. To wrists. THAT'S WHERE HANDS ARE SUPPOSED TO GO! YEAH!
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Love will always overcome hate. Because love loves hate more than hate loves hate. #positivity
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Sometimes it's just not scarf-weather, Rupert. I mean, you're a bear. You have FUR. Maybe it's a circulation problem?
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Why do they never repeat that Inspector Morse episode where Lewis becomes a six-storey beatnik? Sorry, not 'episode': 'dream'.
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Nick Cave: great musician; implausible robbery.
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Anyone else thinking about cardamom right now?
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I don't put my best foot forward, I put my worst foot back.
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If only we could somehow harness the power generated by the struts of victorious dicks.
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'Just For Men' is misleading. I just used it on a grey squirrel and he looks ten years younger! (God rest his soul)
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Every second of every day, I transform into my alter ego: Slightly Older Man. With the power to feel increasingly ambivalent!
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To recap: put your cap back on.
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They didn't have my usual four-pack of apples today, so I bought eight. And it has turned my life UPSIDE DOWN.
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Hell is listening to someone on the phone repeatedly spelling a difficult name.
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I don't like the abbreviation 'coffee'. I always call it by its full name: coff-licence.
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Accidentally stared into the coffee machine drip-tray and plunged into a memory. Man, James Potter was a dick.
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Escher designed a crèche. He faced censure when toddlers fell up-down the stairs. Such is the pressure of running a Crèscher.
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My friend plays in a string quartet and really hates prison rooms. She's a cellist.
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Awkward. Back from the toilet with not-quite-dry hands and was introduced to someone. Went for the soggy shake, rather than the refusal.
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Recovered nicely by shouting "It's not piss!" down the corridor. Now EVERYONE knows it wasn't piss. #playitcool
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The Human Baseball can be really friendly if you catch him on a good day.
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The most dangerous way to disguise baldness is the comb-under.
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"Coriander: it's a superb soup herb!" WHY WON'T THE HERB COUNCIL RETURN MY CALLS???
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RIDDLE: What has arms and legs, but doesn't have any blood? ANSWER: This chair (after I clean the blood off).
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Neptune is best known for his three teeth.
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The best place to take a bullet is probably Thorpe Park.
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You can slide anything you want through a letter box. It doesn't have to be a letter.
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I've built a scary spice rack (inspired by Mel B). I found terragon and horregano in the shop, but still need to go in for the dill.
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Always awkward when you meet someone you know, and they keep walking but you start a conversation, and then you remember they're a mute.
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I just thought of a better variant of that tweet:
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Always awkward when you meet someone you know, and they keep walking but you start a conversation, and then you remember they're a mule.
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I just urinated for so long that I forgot what I was doing halfway through and started playing Tetris.
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Hoof > hooves; roof > rooves; goof > gooves; Magaluf > Magaluves. PLURALS CAN BE FUN.
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Opinions are like onions: strip away one layer and you have a slightly smaller oponion.
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I miss those crisps with the separate little packet of "salt" in them, that you had to "shake". I think they were called Sodium 'n' Tremors.
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"Please leave your message after the last, dying beep of The Road Runner". - Wile E. Coyote's answering machine is indicative of his mood.
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DIALOGUE EXTRACT > Honey: "Can I have a gas mask, please?" | Jack: "Here you go" | Honey: "No. A GAS mask. A mask made of gas." | Jack: ".."
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After I received yet another spambot follower, Lucy said: "Never mind. At least robots like your tweets!" It lifted my mood, I can tell you.
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You've got a friend in me. He's not fully digested yet, so if you have any last minute questions, now's the time.
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An attentive manager should smell the necks of their employees at least twice a week. Especially if the employee has more than one neck.
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The game Guitar Hero should use inverted commas to better emphasise the irony of the title. It should be "Guitar" """""""Hero"""""""".
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"Come and get me!" - a phrase used only by irreverent tough-guy fugitives in action movies or 13-year-olds stranded at the swimming baths.
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I haven't changed my guitar strings for about five years. Now whenever I play it, my fingers smell all two-thousand-and-sixy.
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I'd hate to become one of those people.
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"Everyone suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I have a MASSIVE cock." - The Great Gatsby, 1st Draft.
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I'm hangry. That's a cross between hungry and hang gliding,
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"That's a turnip for the books!" - Root vegetable enthusiast. (Writing more than one book.) (More than one book on turnips.)
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Funny how you can describe babies with some adjectives, but not others. "Beautiful", "cute", etc are fine. "Chargrilled" is less acceptable.
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It's annoying when you splash yourself whilst washing up and it makes it look like you've wet yourself again.
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You can lie to dogs about sports statistics all day and they won't hold it against you.
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I bet Elmer Fudd had a tough time growing up.
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You have to walk like an Egyptian before you can run like an Egyptian.
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I remember getting my results. They were delivered by Alexander Fleming riding a plesiosaur. History and science grades were disappointing.
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The topical comedian is a flailing man in a blindfold being pelted by rotten fruit. Whenever, by chance, he deflects an apricot: BIG LAUGHS.
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I've started to exclaim "Good heavens!" with alarming frequency. Even when the heavens in question are merely so-so.
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I'm currently in that lull you get between when you're six and when you're dead.
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Demand for furry Russian hats has nearly led to the complete extinction of furry Russians.
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Don't bother phoning NHS Direct to ask whether your testicles are stereo or mono. It's a complete waste of time.
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At my primary school we would only sing hymns about Jonathan Frakes. Was this just a Hampshire thing?
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I'm so used to guide dog charities, I try to jam a coin into the head of any labrador I see.
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Molestation: a terrible thing for humans, but a useful transport hub for moles.
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If you've lost a sofa cushion, you can usually find it stuffed down the back of a load of remote controls.
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What's brown and sticky and an aid to amnesia? A memory stick. A brown memory stick.
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Always fill the kettle from the hot tap rather than the not tap.
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I shudder to think. When I'm on Countdown they'll have to reinforce the set.
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Friday is nature's coffee. Coffee is nature's Friday.
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If I founded a country, I'd insist on a spherical flag. It's easier to salute something that reminds you of a watermelon.
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I'm playing with a large paperclip. The paperclip is only four times the size of a normal paperclip, but FIVE times as fun!
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This week, my blog has had 5 hits via besthelpforhemorrhoidsnow.com. I'll take what I can get (even if I don't know what hemorrhoid snow is)
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I've never been convicted of any Earth crime.
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If you want to organise a really cowardly wedding, use the yellow pages.
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In space, no-one can hear you scream for ice cream.
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There was a division in our school between the kids whose family got the TV Times, and the kids who read the Bible.
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Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Possessio is nine-tenths of possession.
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Possession is nine-tenths of Judge Dredd.
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If you think I've got a pretty face from where you are, you should see it from the INSIDE!
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Ours is the 'Give Every Generation a Catchy Name' Generation.
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TERRIBLE JOKE ALERT | WARNING | WARNING | ... Flutritionists recommend you always try to get your fife-a-day... | END OF TERRIBLE JOKE
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Sadly, Frenchy from Grease was killed in action during the Algerian War.
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The bright and early bird catches the photophobic worm.
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You can find discarded wisdom in the prolost & profound.
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A grey day without rain is like an episode of Lewis where you don't imagine him being chastised by the ghost of Morse: POINTLESS.
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How many "How many [BLANK]s does it take to change a lightbulb?" jokes does it take to change the current culture of lightbulb jokes?
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Why did the "Why did the chicken cross the road?" joke cross the line? Because the chicken was a metaphor for 9/11.
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I'm working on some new material. It's a mixture of corduroy and silk. I think I'll call it cordurilk.
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I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in love at oversight.
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"I'm sorry... you're breaking up..." A walkie talkie conversation with cream crackers is fraught with problems.
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Every time someone refers to an object being 'visible to the naked eye', I get an eyelash erection.
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Each FreeCell game I win is another nail in the coffin of my own heroism.
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I carry a picture of my wallet inside my wallet. It reminds me of my wallet.
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NARRATIVE OF HISTORY: stone age; bronze age; iron age; modern age; montage.
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Alligators must employ a complex appointments system to accommodate all the people intending to see them later.
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All Saints had to break up when Mel Blatt was decanonized. (75% Saints didn't have the same ring to it)
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You make your own luck in this world. INGREDIENTS: 2 cups coincidence, 4 cups bullshit, 1 tsp self-doubt, 2 fresh magpies. Whisk thoroughly.
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I had a big cup of coffee and now I'm shaking. Not because of the caffeine, but with fear at the thought that it might not be the caffeine.
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I've inherited a really smooth heirloom. It's been sanded down from generation to generation. (My grandparents had it rough)
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If you've got it, flaunt it. If you haven't got it, fluncle it.
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My favourite ironing-board game is probably Snakes and Disfiguring Burns.
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The best thing about time being linear is that I'll never have to watch The Generation Game again.
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Because of modelling union rules, all the photos you see in hairdressers have to be of orphans.
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I just had a really good stretch. I know that won't have much impact on your day, but I thought you should know.
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That WKD advert with blokes freezing time to avoid "the missus" is interesting. It reflects how their gender politics are frozen in the 70s.
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I like having Summertown in my address. It doesn't sound like a real place. It makes me feel like Noddy. As does this hat.
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A black eye is also known as a "shiner", which is pleasant and playful. They should call a fractured eye socket a "sparkling fairy monocle".
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A colleague has just described me as being "on the fringes of relevance", which is the most accurate assessment of me I've ever heard.
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My reluctant Buddhist friend decided to face her fears and went swimming with chakras.
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The Dolphin Communication Council's slogan is "Sonar, So Good". Or it would be if it existed.
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There's safety in numbers. Especially a Kevlar eight.
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If you ever find yourself playing rock-paper-scissors with a fish, keep this in mind: they always choose paper. (Lucy pointed this out)
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I prefer rock-pauper-scissors. Pauper is stabbed by scissors and dies (can't afford bandages), but pauper covets rock.
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If you're taking part in a marathon for burns victims, make sure you run it under cold water.
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If you're worried that sitting with your legs apart makes you look unladlylike, just tape a corsage to the inside of each thigh.
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My fingers are sticky for some unknown reason. Still, this empty jam jar will come in handy.
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I used to use my firefox bookmarks all the time, but I ended up with lots of singed pages and a reprimand from the RSPCA.
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If you view my face from JUST the right angle, it looks like you're trying too hard.
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Do you remember the TV series Early Edition? Because unless you were in it, you probably shouldn't.
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The dove is the only bird that's always in the past tense.
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Carrot or stick? The age-old question for both child rearing and snowman noses.
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The first time I heard the song 'Three Times a Lady', I wrote to Lionel Richie demanding a recount. It just didn't strike me as rigorous.
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A two-goal lead is fantastic in football, but unwieldy in dog-walking.
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If you want to get a job at an old people's home, it's probably best to leave your scythe in the car.
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I'd feel more comfortable being grinded to death by a blackboard than I do watching any stranger try to parallel park.
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There's always a communal groan when someone gets onto a crowded bus carrying another bus under their arm.
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Pride comes before F All.
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When it comes to the first coffee of the day, timing is crucial. I need to make sure I tip the mug at the same time as I open my mouth.
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If I had to name my top ten favourite restaurants, it would make for a really boring Saw-style torture movie.
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One hand washes the otter.
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But we should make our own excitement! I'll think of a number between 1 and 100 and then we'll drink a log flume.
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Today passes like a funeral parade. Slow, grim, misjudged hat, wailing, flowers, regrets, corpse.. Hang on, I've lost control of this simile
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I just hit my eye-socket against a peg. In the HBO TV series of my life, that will be a season finale.
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The first thing lubricant must lubricate is itself.
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I'm going to start mixing up my applause rhythm. This "clap-clap-clap" jive just ain't gonna cut it anymore.
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These granary paracetamol are extra wholesome!
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I've got to go out. Keep an eye on my car. I don't care which one.
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I'm a great conversationalist. This evening I said, "the main problem with dictators is they DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE OF THEIR CONVICTIONS".
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Sometimes, if you want to dispel conversational awkwardness, you need to throw some awkwardness of your own out there. It's like snooker.
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I can't anchor a conversation (a one-on-one talk with me is like torture), but I can pepper an existing one with quips, asides and trivia.
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I'm basically like a supporting cast member. I couldn't carry my own show, but if I make the odd guest appearance, some nerds might laugh.
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I'm going to drink some orange juice now. Smooth. Just like I like my peanut butter. And my sea lions.
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I don't think Seal would have been so successful if his song had been released under its original title: Kiss from a Rose West.
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I make some sense, but not all of it.
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"*RUSTLE&CLICKS*RUSTLE&CLICKS*" "Who's there?" "Door delivery man." "Door-delivery-man who?" "You can finally get rid of this bead curtain."
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If I managed get my super-powerful catapult working, I'd throw a massive party.
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I've just finished an exam paper on Porcine Condescension. This little piggy went to mark it.
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I like the dregs at the bottom of cereal packets more than the cereal itself. They should sell boxes of just dregs.
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The most depressing musical instrument is the self-harmonica.
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If washing machines were sentient, I'd be feeling pretty guilty right now.
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I'd like to see a really insular German sci-fi series called Deep Space Nein. See what you can do.
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I carry a lucky strip of toast with me everywhere I go. It's a soldier of fortune.
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I can't see any reason why 'slove' shouldn't be a word.
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"I like my genocide on the generous side." - Adolf Witler.
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Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of smooth operators? The Sade knows!
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My train of thought has been cancelled due to a signalling error. However, a sporadic bus of thought service is currently in operation.
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I can't believe it's nearly tomorrow AGAIN.
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Let's put the petal to the medal!
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There are 'Back to School' signs in shop windows everywhere. I bet Alice Cooper is feeling pretty sheepish right about now.
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I refuse to use the term "scissors", no matter what the PC brigade says. They're Siamese knives and they always have been.
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If your child has fewer than eleven shoulders, I don't care.
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My favourite magician is The Great Spoonerismo. I once saw him pull a habit out of a rat. YES, REALLY.
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If some idiot dies in a helicopter crash today, this tweet will seem in really poor taste.
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This tweet is NOT a paradox.
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There's someone out there for everyone, but they don't always know the secret knock. And winter is coming.
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FYI, if you ever have to identify my body, I've got five toes on all of my feet.
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"Get this...!" - a person, moments before they say something I stubbornly refuse to get.
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The main reason to buy magazines is to weigh your house down, in case that old guy from Up decides to start some crazy balloon shit.
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I can't dance. I've got two bereft feet.
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I think there's a snail under my Ctrl key.
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I just burnt myself shaving.
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DONE.
I think I did at least three tweets about burns this week. I don't know what that means. Maybe I should start carrying a fire extinguisher around.
I can name it Guishy.
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