Now, if you know me (and I don't imagine why you wouldn't), you might be surprised by that.
I've documented before how I've become more politically correct as I've got older. In my teenage years, I'd happily listen to horrendous misogyny and homophobia. And that was just from my parents! (Ahahaha. Ha.).
I can't listen to certain music (mainly hip-hop) anymore, because I'm unable to block out the unpleasant views contained therein. I'm always sensitive to language used on television, and feel uncomfortable hearing things that seem cheap or cruel in mainstream media.
This is particularly true with adverts, which demonstrate the most base, capitalist pigeonholing and an utter contempt for the audience. I hate those jokey, matey, casually-homophobic Fosters ads. I even hate hearing about mum going to Iceland. Dad should be able to go to Iceland. As should the infertile.
I mentioned in a tweet how I feel about that WKD advert where a group of men are at a pub (there are no women - they hate pubs), doing blokey things like playing pool and watching sport, and then one of these men gets a call from 'the missus'. The barman rings an alarm and everyone goes quiet, so as to fool the woman (who hates the idea of men having fun, as all women do) into thinking he's having 'a quiet one'.
Stupid women. She's probably trying to get him to stop drinking or visit his terminally ill six-year-old daughter in the hospital. Bitch.
Actually, she's probably phoning to ask why, if you're going to be a terrible super male stereotype, you'd even consider drinking WKD - a drink made for twats who don't have the courage to be cunts.
(I just offended myself by using those vagina synonyms as terms of abuse. I feel like quite the cock.)
So, why am I not offended by Lynx adverts?
These are surely the most blatantly sexist and shallow things on television. I'm sure you've seen them. A man uses a Lynx product and is instantly surrounded by sexy women. They are driven crazy by the smell. They're basically robots - Pavlov's bitches - salivating at the ringing of a deodorised bellend.
(This has been cruder than my usual posts. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, this isn't being written my Paul - someone has stolen my laptop).
You never see unattractive women in these adverts. Presumably the magic power of Lynx would still work on them. I imagine it's something to do with pheromones. Unless the scientists at the Lynx laboratories have managed to block the uglier brains from processing the lust-causing signals.
Presumably, gay men can't use Lynx. Being surrounded by women would be an inconvenience.
So how can I like these terrible things?
I think I like them because they're so blatant. There's not even any pretence that they're aiming at something more. It's basically unabashed, undiluted advertising.
And I admire them for that.
Loads of adverts use sex to sell their products. But there's usually a whole procedure of unconvincing sleight-of-hand. The relationship between the product and sexual attractiveness is slightly more complex.
It goes something like this:
This product is used by attractive men. Women are attracted to attractive men. If you use this product, you will be an attractive man. Therefore, if you use this product, women will be attracted to you.
But Lynx has stripped things down.
Women are attracted to the product. Use the product.
The man doesn't even come into the equation. You could spray Lynx on a chestnut tree and women would still be swarming around, fingering the branches.
It's accepting that the people using Lynx are unattractive. That's never going to change. But at least you can deceive women into liking you with this implausible love potion.
Advertising is depressing because it creates a huge lie about self-realisation and self-confidence and self-improvement and BEING SOMEBODY.
It's a depressing capitalist myth, which creates the illusion of power in the powerless, and makes poor people spend money they don't have so they can become SOMEBODY. But that SOMEBODY is an awful philandering racist who talks loudly about how much money they make and will never read a book.
So Lynx avoids this. It lies to us, sure. But at least it's a nice simple lie.
I'd rather have someone sell me some magic beans than convince me I can one day have my own magic bean farm if I drive the right car.
I wasn't really intending to make any kind of point there. Which is lucky, because I didn't.
In conclusion, the Lynx adverts aren't offensive because they revel in their own shallowness instead of tricking people into believing in depth.
That's not reasonable. They still are offensive, I know that really. I was just playing devil's pointless advocate.
***
Also, I buy Lynx products. So I have to defend myself. I know they're for teenage boys, and I don't use the deodorant, but I do like the shower gels. They smell good.
But they trouble me. The packaging troubles me. Much more than the television campaign.
I see the backs of the bottles when I'm showering and I get confused. A clever marketing person has written a catchy little blurb about the product. I work in marketing (sort of). So I can imagine someone sitting there, coming up with something vaguely descriptive and descriptively vague.
But, these are really quite strange.
I'm not good at throwing away bottles, and the shower gel is on 'buy one get one free' at the moment, so I have four of these bottles.
Let's have a look at the blurbs.
LYNX Fever, gets you into the Samba spirit with Brazilian Hot Mud and Red Dragonfruit extract.
LYNX Fever, get warmed up for action!
(Then there's a helpful diagram of a man using the gel and then encountering some sexy feminine silhouettes)
Let's ignore the strange comma usage. This is probably the most normal caption on any of these bottles. It refers to 'the Samba spirit', which sounds like some kind of witchcraft.
Does this really have Brazilian Hot Mud in it? It certainly smells muddish. Did they import that Brazilian mud hot? Or did they just bring it in cold, and then reheat it in Britain? I don't know. I'm not an expert.
(This pic is blurry, so you'll have to trust my transcript.)
Imagine a level of comfort and luxury never experienced before. With its mix of soothing aloe vera and energizing lime, LYNX Jet propels its passengers into an Exclusive First Class Club.
- Dermatologically tested.
First thing's first - I really don't think you should put 'Dermatologically tested' on the bottle as though it's a selling point. Call me crazy, but I assume all shower gels and soaps are tested on human skin. That seems important. You wouldn't want to get a whole batch packaged up only to find it eats through flesh like alien blood.
I really like that the first sentence is completely unrelated to the rest of the pitch. "Imagine this... OK? Good. Now let's talk about the product." The Exclusive First Class Club is capitalised to add an authority to the claim. But I didn't find any membership information anywhere.
Also: energizing lime. I don't know if all limes are energizing, or if this is from a particularly upbeat batch.
LYNX Recover with Mg+O2 brings you back to life - no matter how big the night was...
I'm convinced by the chemical symbols. Clearly, experts have been involved in this. I don't know what it means (I assume it's something to do with Magneto), but if it's good enough for the eggheads, it's good enough for me.
They really should have called it LYNX Lazarus. I'm surprised that they haven't marketed this resurrection remedy to a wider audience. Maybe they're just saving this for the Exclusive First Class Club?
What's the biggest night you've ever had? I've never been close to the Arctic circle, so my nights tend to stay at pretty regular lengths. Imagine a night the size of an oil tanker! IMAGINE IT!
Want to make your morning monumental? The stuff of legends? LYNX Rise with uplifting lime extract and Himalayan minerals stimulates your senses to jump start your mind and body;
LYNX Rise: Conquer the Day!
This one's my favourite. Why not try new LYNX Delusions of Grandeur?
In answer to their first two questions, 1) Not really, 2) Not really.
Uplifting lime this time. Don't know if they brought it in the same crate as the energizing stuff.
I'm really not sure about the whole conquest thing. Alexander wept when there were no more worlds to conquer, but I bet he'd be fuming if he got lime extract in his eye.
I don't like the thought of a civilization emerging based on the tenets of Lynx. But if it did happen - and, again, I don't want it to - who better to run the whole thing than a brave scholar, who has dedicated his Sunday evening to exploring the pros and cons of Lynx?
No-one better.
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and try the Red Dragonfruit extract! I hear the chicks dig it.
Great post. I think human pheromones are worth giving a try.
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