This is going to be another tweet compilation. But don't worry. I won't leave out the preamble.
Everyone loves the preamble. I can't walk into a room without someone
It's a problem.
A lot of people prefer the preamble to the tweets themselves. This is like looking behind the magician's magic curtain box, or like those sections on David Attenborough programmes where they show you how they put a cameraman inside a bush baby.
This is the mind that has crafted all of the following blue nuggets of words.
What makes me tick? What lurks behind the fashionable sunglasses and expensive suits? What is beneath the surface?
The preamble answers those questions, and answers them with aplomb.
1) Nothing
2) Nothing
3) Sinews etc
Let me give you a little bit of context:
It's Saturday and Oxfordshire.
That should set you right.
You're part of an elite group of people. Readers of my blog are like Popes: the best of the Catholic best.
You now have the inside story. Impress your friends with the knowledge you have gleaned.
Let's begin. That's right! It's another edition of:
Linguistic Drip Tray
***
Back from seeing the superb Jeffrey Lewis at the Cellar. It was hot, and the guy in front of me was so close we were basically spooning.
***
At the end, I whispered in his ear, "You're my Lois Lane" and he swooned. Or flinched. One of those.
***
Next up: the cleaning of crockery and a human body. Both belong to me, but I won't use the same sponge.
***
I'm surprised laser eye surgery is so popular. I've only ever met one person with laser eyes, and she seemed perfectly happy with them.
***
Jesus Christ. I just had to evict a spider the size of an eight-legged Guggenheim Museum.
***
You can hit someone over the head, round the head, on the head or in the head. But you can't hit someone between the head. As far as I know.
***
RIDDLE: What has handles, but cannot be carried? ANSWER: A nonexistent suitcase (that's really heavy).
***
I left a note for the milkman this morning, which said: "I don't have a milkman. WHO ARE YOU?".
***
Who came up with Chicago's nickname? "What defines us as a people? We need something inspiring! Unifying!" "Well, it's a bit windy..."
***
At school I was nicknamed "Lunchbox" because I was a lunchbox.
***
In France, Ming the Merciless is known as Ming the Ungrateful.
***
The people who read my late night tweets are special. I'm going to make a special badge for all none of you.
***
I'm going to be asleep before my head hits the pillow. I'm wearing a time-release harness, for controlled bedfall.
***
Every morning I check things in the same order: email, Twitter, Facebook, Michael Biehn's IMDB page, BBC, then finally the trouser situation
***
Film Pitch: CON-FUSION - Two convicted criminals are stuck together due to radiation or something, and struggle to fill out forms.
***
Not-Exploitative Sensitive Reality TV Documentary Pitch: THE MAN WHOSE FOOT LOOKS LIKE A BAT - probably the animal, but I dunno.
***
Quiz Show Pitch: EXHUME ROBERT MITCHUM - two teams are given spades and withering looks in the Arizona sun.
***
Kitchenware Pitch: THATCHULA - a thatched spatula, for a rustic food-serving experience. Comes with free fire blanket.
***
Owls get too much press. I mean, what have they done lately? Nothing. But everywhere you go, it's all 'owl this' and 'tawny that'.
***
I respect animals, so I always refer to them by their formal, full names: alangator, duck-williamed platypus, honey-beatrice, etc
***
There was a man at the urinal who was on the phone. Unless you're talking to a urologist, I don't think that's appropriate.
***
The Big Bad Wolf was a lot like the IRA. He committed terrible acts, but at least he gave advanced warning.
***
I told a friend that the best X-Men film actress was Anna auin, and my favourite boxer was Manny acuiao. He told me to mind my Ps and Qs.
***
That was terrible. Still. You know. We're all just atoms, right? That was pretty good for a load of atoms.
***
As American states go, I think Maine is overstating its importance.
***
I reckon even David Lynch would struggle to calm Sonic the Hedgehog down.
***
If you put on a comedy Italian accent when ordering a pizza, you get a free 2 litre bottle of Pepsi. Shhh! It's a secret!
***
I want to introduce the following phrases into common discourse: 1) "That's as much use as an Atlantean moat!", and 2) "Ow, ow, ow. Chisel."
***
Nan, Gran, Nanny, Granny, or Grandma? Not sure I like these new Dominos pizza names...
***
I don't think carousels would be as popular if you had to ride fibreglass sea cucumbers.
***
FACT: You're not allowed a driving licence if you're called Mitch.
***
I was sure it was going to be easy to smuggle my lions through customs. But in the end, I had to swallow my pride.
***
It's easier to swallow your pride if you dissolve it in water first. That's why divers are so humble.
***
I've got a twinkle in my eye. At night, I'm surrounded by moths.
***
I originally wrote that as "I'm surrounded my moths". Which sounds like I'm appealing to my wingéd minions to help me. "To me, my moths!"
***
I've seen the film Demolition Man more times than I've seen my niece.
***
I'm being haunted by a religious table. I think it might be an altargeist.
***
I like the phrase 'spread-eagle', but I still prefer butter on my toast.
***
If you nibble an apple core into JUST the right shape, it will make up for decades of underachievement.
***
ASTRONOMY FACT: An asteroid belt is fastened around the waist of space.
***
You think you've got the smallest ghost in the world? Oh ye of little wraith...
***
There's no Hatebreed category at Crufts. It would be ridiculous if there was.
***
Saturday Morning TV Show Pitch: GOING LITHE - Sarah Greene and Phillip Schofield show how well they've aged.
***
It would be terrible if you were going on a hot air balloon trip, and got mauled by Yogi Bear as soon as you got in the basket. Terrible.
***
On a Portuguese submarine, they look through the piri-piriscope.
***
King Henry IX is going to have to kill a lot of women and eat a lot of chicken legs if he wants to step out of his predecessor's shadow.
***
Oven gloves also make good shovin' gloves. Especially if you're shoving someone hot.
***
No-one has ever died whilst holding a stick of rock. But the mayor of Exmouth doesn't want you to know that.
***
My shower gel says 'BRACE YOURSELF FOR A NATURAL HIGH'. I've been clenched for weeks, and nothing. But I don't want to let my guard down now.
***
You can tell which are the nouveau riche banditos because they refer to their masks as 'face serviettes'.
***
I'm extremely photogenic. The trick is to hold a kitten in front of your face as soon as you see the flash.
***
The cast of Neighbours were annoyed by Bouncer constantly asking them for ID.
***
I hope I don't go bald tonight.
***
Use rollerblades to deodourise and shave your armpits simultaneously.
***
I just confused myself by making a toasted water sandwich.
***
I just pierced my nose with an Um Bongo straw. Does that make me a racist?
***
I just realised I shouldn't begin two tweets in a row with "I just". But three is fine.
***
I joust. (I jest) ... You get the jist.
***
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. But be upbeat when doing so. I can't stress that enough.
***
Which of the Bee Gees is Mel Gibson's dad?
***
Sleep is in the eye of the beholder.
***
Someone should make a television programme about police.
***
ABOUT ME: If anyone says "[a two syllable name] and [a one syllable name]", I will sing it to the tune of Sharky & George. Always.
***
In the 18th Century, tuberculosis was known as 'the Fonz'.
***
Only the dead die young.
***
When writing dates, the British put the days first, and the Americans put the months first. Canadians put the CHILDREN first.
***
"A feral Academy Award is of no more use than a superfluous 'e'." - Oscar Wilde.
***
Gillette don't want the public to know, but they're up to nineteen blades in lab razor tests. They're also experimenting with the Mach-π.
***
It's difficult to look dignified eating an apple when you're handcuffed and chuckling.
***
I still get emails from Friends Reunited. So sad. Like a down-on-his-luck Depression-era grifter trying to sell me a gramophone.
***
Art Garfunkel imitates Life Garfunkel.
***
There's a strange sound outside. Like someone shaving a whiny bee.
***
What is it about me that repels drug dealers?
***
I can do ten things at once. I just don't want to.
***
My heart was in the right place at the wrong time.
***
I always smell milk before I drink it. Similarly, I always taste aftershave before I use it. And listen to a Magritte before I look at it.
***
In the 1st draft of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, to get his kids to sleep, the dad sings 'WAKE UP! WAKE UP! INSOMNIAC ZOMBIE!'. Didn't work.
***
When I was born, my parents made me thousands of unique, specific socks for every day of my life. Today's socks read: "Sock Revelation Day".
***
I've got a little rhyme for remembering how many days are in each month. It goes: "Look at a calendar; then watch an episode of Wallander".
***
A song-writer should be a wrong-righter. A prize-fighter should be a wise-smiter.
***
Katie (80) from Haiti prefers one specific brand of bubble bath.
***
I don't take witticism very well.
***
I'm silhouette behind the ears.
***
There are a lot of rumours flying around today. Oh, no wait... that's a daddy longlegs.
***
MUSIC FACT: Lou Reed's perfect day includes a marathon session of Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo.
***
Just bought some impertinently-squeezed orange juice.
***
New Jason Statham Film Pitch: THE TIEBREAKER. He settles disputes. By drawing straws or something. At one point he shoots a windsor knot.
***
My friend makes mugs without using any glue. I've tried to understand the process, but it's hard to get a handle on.
***
"When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way!" Well, who changed your nappy then, JOHN?
***
Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Unless it's feeding you fennel.
***
It's impossible to say the word 'indicative' without wearing a tweed jacket.
***
There's nothing less appetising than a beaked potato.
***
I went back in time last night and accidentally altered the course of history. Limes no longer exist. Sorry about that.
***
I bet Vince Cable refers to his car as "The Cablecar", and his wife reluctantly goes along with it. (The name, not the car)
***
Talking to yourself is the first sign of having a gregarious clone.
***
Do you ever look at a tree and think "I like trees"? You should. That's the best time to think that.
***
If you draw an elephant with a red pen, shut up.
***
I just made a fantastic facial expression. It's a shame you missed it.
***
Once bitten, twice shitten.
***
I'd never be so arrogant as to suggest I'm in the top five most handsome men in the world.
***
I made a rod for my own back. It's Rod Serling. He seems fine back there.
***
In the 1950s, scientists investigated the effects of marijuana on sea birds. By the end, there was no tern left unstoned.
***
When I'm asked to enter my PIN, I pretend I'm from the future and don't understand primitive numbers. It throws off potential fraudsters.
***
Piano tuner mayonnaise. #sandwichfillers
***
Regicide chicken. #sandwichfillers
***
Egg and Chris. #sandwichfillers
***
I want those last three tweets on my headstone.
***
I bet there will be a lot more call for hashtags on gravestones and memorial plaques in the future. (eg: Here Lies Tim Jones #belovedfather)
***
Today is going to be the day everything turns around for me! I'm sitting on a Lazy Susan. (Poor girl...)
***
Someone has kidnapped my ransom note. They're sending it back to me one letter at a time. WHAT ARE THEIR DEMANDS?!
***
People at work stopped asking me for opinions on flyer designs when I kept repeating the word "coquettish" over and over again.
***
NAME: Lee Pyear | DOB: 29/02/1964 | AGE: It depends.
***
Every phonecall I have is like picking a lock - fiddling to find just the right words that will enable me to end the conversation.
***
The most apathetic type of icing is blasépan.
***
I think the shawl should be rebranded as a cool fashion item for young men. Call it THE BLOKE CLOAK (Also, rename "clothes" as "sex armour")
***
There's a parallel universe where Alain de Botton is right about everything. He's known as Alain de Spot-on.
***
I've never claimed to have all the answers. Which is why my pub quizzes have been described as 'unsatisfying' by some.
***
Tonight, as a statement against the riots, I'm going to go onto the streets and throw a window through a brick.
***
Getting a double-one when throwing dice is known as 'snake eyes' because snakes are the only animals with two eyes
***
If patio and ratio don't rhyme, why am I even writing this?
***
The phrase "kick the bucket" has its origins in the past.
***
I'll tell you who overreacts to everything: babies. CALM. DOWN.
***
Celebriquettes only have fifteen minutes of flame.
***
The Human Ball-Bearing must be rolling in his grave.
***
People do a slow hand-clap to express disapproval. When I am really enjoying something I do an interminable sarcastic boo.
***
If someone touches their face when talking, it's a good indication that they're lying. That's why I don't trust anyone who salutes.
***
The most surprising time to throw a surprise party is in the middle of another surprise party.
***
POEM: I built a raft whilst understaffed, and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
***
One man's surfboard is another man's indication that he's probably not going to get on with the first man.
***
I bet, somewhere in the world, there's a slew of something right now.
***
For Pete's sake. Why Pete? Who is he? Why must we honour him so?
***
Yeah. Sentences really make me appreciate being human.
I don't know what this section is. The postamble?
The postmortem?
Whatever it is, it's certainly post-something. Unless you're reading this first.
(You shouldn't be reading this first. It will give things away.)
I mentioned a bush baby earlier.
(SEE?!)
No comments:
Post a Comment