Case Study

It's the weekend, so it's time for another tweet omnibus. That's what this is: an omnibus.

I've described it as a compilation, a compendium, a retrospective, a "word larder", but it's an omnibus.

Like one of those EastEnders ones that lasts for eleven hours. Everyone likes those.

I'm going to make some coffee.

That's not relevant to this post, but I thought you should know. I like my coffee like I like my jokes about how I like my coffee: overused.

That's funny. I might tweet that.

I just tweeted that.

On closer inspection, it's not that funny. I could do better. If I'd thought about it for a few more seconds. Oh well. It's Saturday. The day of disgusting laziness. I can't even be bothered to make coffee.

But who needs coffee? There's nothing more RICH and ENERGIZING than a stroll through the GARDEN OF FUNNY.

That's right! It's another edition of:

Granular Hilarity

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The 2008 Hulk film is 60% good. The trouble is, it's not that 60% of the bits in it are good, it's that all of the bits in it are 60% good.

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If you start calling your bellybutton your "tum-hole", you'll save dozens of syllables each day.

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"They were there to see beavers, but died." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drac_River :-(

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Legend tells us that if Richie Havens leaves the Tower of London, nothing much will happen.

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I plan to spend most of today languishing.

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Once bitten, twice bitten. Three times bitten. Please stop biting me.

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I just heard my neighbour playing music with sleigh bells in it. I broke his door down and pointed to his calendar aggressively.

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I look so cool when nodding my head to music that I've just been nominated for a Grammy.

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Pullover; sweater; jumper. These are the items of clothing I wear when I'm a) being stopped by police, b) perspiring, & c) a suicide risk.

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I love watching US sitcoms, because nothing makes me laugh more than misogyny in booths.

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"You had me erect at hello."

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An orchestra is like a marionette: remove its strings, and people are going to get angry. Like conductors. And Geppetto.

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I'm all in favour of progress, but sympathise with the Luddites smashing the "family air loom". Too many plummeting kids.

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I emailed Jim with the subject line "Late" and he emailed back with the subject line "RE:Late" and I was all "relate to what?!" & we laughed

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At school, there was a boy in my class whose family owned a drawbridge. No castle - just a drawbridge. Everyone liked beating up THAT kid.

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Murphy's had to change their advertising strategy when they realised that bitter people comprised a lucrative demographic.

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I've just eaten some potato salad. That tells you everything you need to know about me.

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I broke my pact to forego all pacts immediately.

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Which letter would be "the letter of complaint"? The X connotes intolerance, but O captures the shock. Perhaps it would just be a terse W.

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I was so funny on Twitter last night, the Queen has appointed me her personal sword receptacle.

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Monday is the one enemy we can never defeat.

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Putting subliminal commands in your tweets is totally self-indulgent and maSTABaTORY.

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The first thing you do after finding a patient who's been smothered to death is wash the pillowcase. Then check the pulse or something.

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I'm not as twelve as I used to be.

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I just need a moment (and a specially designed glove) to catch my breath.

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I want to leave my body to mad science when I die. My mechanised corpse can educate and terrify! (Always carry a cyborgan donor card)

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♫ ♪ Binoculars, binoculars! Binoculars, binoculars! Binoculars, binoculars! Bin-bin-bin-bin-noc-noc-noc-noc-u-u-u-u-LARS. ♪ ♫ #binoculars

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That song always reminds me of binoculars.

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I'm in love with my own refraction.

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One of the lesser-known wartime landmarks was Ctrl+V-Day. The enemy took one hell of a pasting.

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One of the most hilarious pranks is shaking someone's hand whilst wearing a joy buzzard. And the more talons, the funnier it is!

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POEM: Mia Farrow / Gave bone marrow / To a sparrow / A bungled reading of the tarot / She can't undo / Time's arrow: too straight & narrow

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Poetry is just a list of rhyming words, right?

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I used to be a prizefighter. I had dominant victories over four rosettes and a certificate, but retired after getting impaled on an Emmy.

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Would you rather pay: a) your way, b) the piper, c) attention, or d) lip service?

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"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!" That Richard III sure did like his gymnastics.

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The 6 on my phone is broken, so I've just started dialling 3 twice. (33 is my quick-dial for the phone repairman)

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The young are wasted on youth.

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I wore my new stripey shirt today, but no-one mistook me for a bearded prison.

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For lunch: LIQUID FOOD. It's like living with Buck Rogers! Futuristic! All flying dogs and space-couriers! LIQUID FOOD! (soup)

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Is it too early in the day to start drinking "night milk"?

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Whenever I hear a siren outside, I immediately demand that my neighbours buy a mast and tie me to it.

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I just said to the guy outside with the leaf-blower "blow MY leaf!", but I don't think he heard me.

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I'm considering going back to my job as a battery painter. It's a tough decision though - there are a lot of pluses and minuses.

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Orange is the only word in the English language in this dystopian novel I'm working on.

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Thinking about it, people would probably just learn French or something. Damn. 700 wasted pages.

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I keep getting glacier and glacier.

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For consistency's sake, all playground apparatus should follow the see-saw's "present tense-past tense" model (swing-swungs, slide-slid etc)

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Nothing would be more fun than a go on the swing-swungs.

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I have webbed toes. I just haven't got the heart to evict a spider.

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Does anyone know a lewd monarch who might be looking for a pen pal? (Arse King for a friend)

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I don't like to look to the future in case I get hit in the face by all the problems my future self is putting behind him.

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"The signs of ageing" is the most depressing lesson at any school for the deaf.

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You know it's time to do laundry when you find yourself wearing Christmas stockings as socks. And a kimono made of mangers.

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Have you ever tried to describe yourself to a sketch artist? They hate it. "It's redundant," she said. Some people...

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I like to read the introduction of the book I'm about to read. I rarely mix and match.

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Those joke shop "arrow-through-the-head" tricks kill more people each year than actual arrows. They're toxic.

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Similarly, fake tan blinds more people each year than the sun.

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Whenever a seamstress visits a space station, she has to enter through the hemlock. It's lethal. :-( That's why astronauts are so frumpy.

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I think I overstuff my tweets sometimes. They can be difficult to digest. I should work on a more manageable twanapé.

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Fen?

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Sitcom Pitch: HISLOP 'N' HERLOP - Ian Hislop and his identical twin sister (played by Helena Bonham Carter) own a British Lop pig sanctuary.

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Film Pitch: MOUNTAIN AGONY- Someone falls a long way and is badly hurt for ages and you wonder why you're watching. Starring Téa Leoni.

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Quiz Show Pitch: THE BAG - Contestants must complete a variety of tasks whilst holding a bag, such as changing a tyre or holding another bag

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I've got more guts than Brains (from Thunderbirds).

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We've been out for muffins and museums at a ratio of two museums for every muffin.

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I was carving a pumpkin today, and someone looked at me like I was crazy! To be fair, I had carved that expression myself.

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It's funny how many spiders have parlours. How do they afford the upkeep?

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DICKENS FACT: The Artful Dodger's full name was 'The Arthurful Dodger'.

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Red spot at morning, leopard's warning.

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You can't be tried for killing the same big cat twice. It's Double Leopardy.

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I have two other leopard jokes, but there's no point in blowing all your minds at once.

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Arthur Scargill is one of the only union leaders whose name is a composite of three Disney characters.

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I could do with a Full English. But we only have the ingredients for a fraction of an English.

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I keep finding solace in my beard.

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The most inspiring way to die is being jettisoned into space at your own request.

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I've just designed a hilarious comedy apron that says "I MUST WEAR THIS OR ELSE YOUR LITTLE BOY'S BLOOD WILL STAIN MY CLOTHES". Random! LOL!

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Improve your eyesight by eating carrots instead of your glasses.

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I'll let you know when I think of anything.

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UPDATE: I just thought of anything.

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yeah yeah cute we've all seen a robin

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Watts are so vulgar. I only measure power in pardons.

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I keep a picture of a locket inside my true love.

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You're the [BLANK] to my [BLONK].

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More words have been written in condensation than in Falmouth.

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I love the smell of freshly-cut grasp.

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"I've been following the news for some time now." - The Weather

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I like Maya Angelou, but I wish she'd stop bragging about her syrinx knowledge.

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I just bought an audiobook version of the dictionary. Says it all, really.

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Work days are like conga lines: the more idiots you encounter, the longer they get.

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At lunch, there was a man sitting on the next table who looked exactly like Lenin. But it wasn't Lenin. He was adamant.

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POEM: On the night // that Sharon // found out she was barren // England appointed Steve McClaren

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I'd hate for anyone to think that I was or was not

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I don't really ""get quotation marks.

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The best technique for removing a door is tying it to a friend's tooth and slamming their mouth shut.

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We think of the sound a clock makes as "tick-tock", but in other countries, they might think of it as something else for all I know.

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Someone should do a film where Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde swap bodies.

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You never see James Bond holding a carrier bag.

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At school, anyone with a wrist injury was accused of excessive masturbation. Even if their parents had been killed in the same car accident.

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Apart from brains and nerves, not a lot gets wracked these days.

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You should never turn over a new leaf. It's new. Give it time. If you want to turn something over, it should be an OLD leaf.

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Any actor who plays someone with sensitive teeth in an advert is doomed to suffer the affliction in real life. #littleknowncurse

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If you break a mirror, you get seven years of your mother telling you to be careful whenever you're near a mirror. #littleknowncurse

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If you see a magpie smoking a cigar, you get made into a brooch. #littleknowncurse

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If you do a voice-over for a bank advert, your larynx will become blocked with coins. #advertcurses #littleknowncurse

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I've bitten one of my nails so much that my shoulder is bleeding.

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Reality Show Pitch: CAPE CANAVRIL LAVIGNE - The spunky singer-songwriter is full of astronauts and spells shuttle with a 6 for some reason.

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Sitcom Pitch: WAIST NOT WANT KNOT- Bill Waste, an overweight refuse collector, attempts to lose weight by tying himself to a treadmill. Not.

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Film Pitch: POWDER KEG - The drunken college adventures of a telepathic albino frat boy. (You all remember that film, right? Powder?)

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Quiz Show Pitch: GOING FOR GOULD - 70s heartthrob Elliott Gould is hunted for sport by contestants with a variety of amusing accents.

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This "BLANK Pitch:" device is a good way to tweet terrible puns under the guise of media satire.

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Mid-sauna is the worst time to realise that you have a fatal allergy to towels.

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You're so handsome when you're me.

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Instead of taking your mirrors down, you could just cover your face in wallpaper. I'm an Ideas Man.

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If you've just come back from the dead, please contact your family IMMEDIATELY. (They're thinking of turning your room into a gym)

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If you've just come back from the brink, remember: it's colder here. Pack woollens.

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You should all try playing "Street Buckaroo". It's basically just sticking Post-Its to a cat until someone gets clawed.

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POEM: Claude, bored, clawed Maude.

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What an adventure! We've all become closer as a result of this experience.

But I never want to see another canoe again for as long as I live.