Templates

You know how mobile phones have template text messages?

No? Oh.

Well, forget it.





***


Actually, I'll continue.


You know how mobile phones have template text messages?

Yes? Good.

They're time-saving tools, for when you're too busy to make words with buttons.

Here are the templates on my phone, with some suggested uses:

1) I am late. I will be there at

This one is useful. It can double up as a suspected pregnancy text. And we all need those in a hurry.

2) I'm in a meeting, call me later at

Another basic one. You can add your own suffix to make it into a threat: "call me later at your own risk".

3) I'm busy right now. I'll call you later.

This is nice and noncommittal. You might as well write: "the answer you seek is buffeted on the winds of time".

4) I will be arriving at

speed? high speed? an alarming speed?

5) Meeting is cancelled.

It doesn't specify a particular meeting. This text must be for when all meetings and, in fact, the very concept of meeting is no longer allowed. People are no longer allowed to meet.

(That would be big news - there wouldn't be time to type out your own unique message. Well done, Mr Nokia.)

6) See you at

This is a great all-purpose one. Possibilities:

See you attack!

See you ate the whole cake!

See you athos (frm 3 mskteers LOL!)

7) See you in

...a dusty sombrero

8) Please call

...your first born son 'Darren't'

9) I love you too.

What's this one about? What kind of emotionally bereft loser replies to a declaration of love with a template text? "I don't have time to manually express my love. Oh look. Nokia knows my own heart better than I do."

At least it wasn't 'I love U2'. Anyone who agreed with that sentiment would be the ultimate emotionally bereft loser.

Having said that, you could modify it slightly, and send it to the band Tool. They are pretty good.

10) Happy Birthday

This is even worse than number 9. It takes birthday greetings to a whole new level of laziness.

Now that I know it's here, I'll use it all the time.

I can't believe I've been wasting my time by going to all the effort of writing on someone's Facebook wall "Happy Birthday! We should catch up soon, Dad!"

11) Thank you

This one is... actually quite useful. My mockery has fallen at the last hurdle. And the preceding 10.


I wonder if anyone actually uses this function. If I owned a phone company (and one day I very well might, Dad), I'd put some more esoteric templates on there. Sure, they'd rarely be used.

But what if you're the one person that needs them and uses them? You'd thank your lucky stars and taunt your unlucky ones.

Here are some suggestions for text templates:

1) What's that, Barnabas?

2) Probably about twelve.

3) By hook or by crook.

4) JUST THE TICKET! JUST THE TICKET! JUST THE TICKET!

5) &

6) That awful frog scene in Teen Wolf Too

7) It's questions like that which make you the ideal candidate to run this company. INTO THE GROUND.

8) I'm attending a crucifixion right now. Meet me at

9) Every fibre of my soul aches to hold you, to be held by you. I want to become one with you. I want our atoms to mingle. We can become one holy miracle: the miracle of the universe itself.

10) No.

11) Yes.

12) No. No, no, no.

I could do this all day.

And so I will!

No, I won't.

***

I've just had coffee and come back exceedingly hyper.

I don't know why. I haven't had any more than usual. But I'm feeling like I could levitate.

I won't. It would arouse suspicion (amongst other things).

Is it a good idea to write a blog entry whilst high on caffeine? In a way, yes. It means I'll write a lot. And lots of content is good. I believe quantity is more important than quality. But even better than either is quantility.

If you have quantility, you're all set for success. Especially if there's a lot of it.

The more the merrier. (Not to be confused with Merrier the Moor, the jolliest Muslim conqueror of the 8th century).

That seems to be my cue to depart with this gem of a clip. Good day.