Jailbreak Reported by Islington Gazette

You may remember from some time ago that I like to look at newspaper advertising boards.

Sometimes it's good to have a little boost of extra fear-mongering on the way into work. The beauty of a sunny morning stroll can often be too sweet - it leads to optimism and kindness. You need to temper it with some badly-written hatespeech.

Occasionally there is a headline that really captures my imagination. Last time it was:

BOFFINS 'WON'T DESTROY WORLD'

This one is perhaps even better. It wasn't the Oxford Mail this time, but the Islington Gazette. I don't know anything about the paper, as I was just travelling through, but I imagine it is a publication of some esteem. They are at the forefront of modern journalism. And they seem to have something of a scoop.

Because nowhere else - not on the BBC, nor CNN, nor the Daily Sport - did I read about this story:

PERVERT

TEACHER

SPEARED

PRISON

I was taken aback.

Usually, I'm repulsed by the manipulative and emotive language used in these headlines. Moral condemnation screams out from every word. I mean, what is a 'pervert'? Surely, perversion is a constantly shifting thing. It's entirely relative to the prevailing moral norms of the day.

But if anything could be objectively perverted, having intercourse with a prison is surely it.

It's difficult to imagine a society in which having sex with large correctional facilities is considered the norm. It's just so different from the current standard notion of a relationship.

But then again, they probably said that about homosexuality in the old days. Perhaps in fifty or sixty years' time, the teacher-prison relationship will be treated with dignity and respect. Even legalised civil partnerships are a possibility.

Of course, I'm assuming 'speared' is a sexual euphemism. I've made many assumptions already. I think an in-depth (perhaps tediously long) analysis of this four-word headline is in order.

PERVERT

I think I've covered this one. It's newspaper slang to add negative connotations to difference. It's in their interests to make us suspicious of the other, so we remain wary and cautious, and buy quality newspapers to let us know how the world really is.

Also, in the same way as the term 'boffin' was used in the previous headline, it adds a layer of dickish playground slang to the equation. Most people stopped using 'pervert' when they were about twelve. But the modern journalist can utilise a wide range of vocabulary to take us all back to that glorious time when you could get teased for having a name with an 'q' in it, or be beaten up for having a hearing aid. Good times...

PERVERT
TEACHER

I wonder what the perversion was in this case. Paedophilia is the implication, but why not come out and say it? PAEDO TEACHER SPEARED PRISON is a much snappier headline. So it must be something else. In which case, why is 'teacher' relevant? Was he licking the whiteboard? Was he teaching fractions in a salacious way? Was he putting a sleazy emphasis on long division (with his pants down)?

[One assumption I'll continue to make is that the teacher was a man. I think if it was a woman, they would have made it clear. Because a perverted woman is about 80% more perverted than a perverted man. Just as an ugly woman is 80% uglier than an ugly man. It's the combination of low pay, derisive treatement and high expectations that makes gender politics so fun (right, ladies?)]

Maybe I've made a syntactical error. Maybe it wasn't a teacher who was a pervert, but rather a teacher of perverts. It could be some kind of evening class. He could give tips on how to grow a patchy beard, wear a long mac, and continually lick your lips.

I know, I know. I'm stuck in the past. I'm falling back on the old pervert clichés. I'm sure there's a rich and nuanced world of perversion out there. Maybe this Perversion 101 class is something we should all try - it might add some spice to the jaded, listless perversions in our own lives.

PERVERT
TEACHER
SPEARED

I might be wrong about the use of 'speared'. Maybe he actually speared a prison. It could have been an attempt to free some of his captured pervert brothers (or sisters). A spear seems like a bit of an odd choice of escape method, though. The hole made by a spear wouldn't be big enough to allow anyone to climb out. Unless they were three-inches tall (as some perverts are).

Maybe it was the romance of the spear - the connotations of primal craftsmanship and anti-industrialism - that appealed to the perverted freedom-fighter.

It could even be that the spearing of the prison was unconnected to the perversion, which was in turn unconnected to the profession of the teacher. It might have just been a coincidence.

PERVERT
TEACHER
SPEARED
PRISON

It's an excellent headline, regardless. Simple, but multifaceted.

Unless it was simply some kind of typo! Imagine that! It would make this whole blog entry seem facetious and irritating! It would be as if I was engaging in a sub-Jay Leno, pedantic analysis of a simple mistake! Lucky that's not true.

Because if it was a typo, it would be evidence of exceptionally poor proof-reading skills.

It's FOUR WORDS.

I know proof-reading requires a great deal of concentration. I know that there are probably typos in this very entry. But four words?

Someone would have to have got bored between 'teacher' and 'speared'. 'Pervert' would have captured the imagination, but I suppose lots of people are put off by the word 'teacher'.

It reminds them of the dullness of school, where people tried to tell them about spelling and shit. And where the only consolation came from the fun of teasing people with 'q' in their names, or beating kids up for having a hearing aid. Good times...

I'm glad I never bought a copy of the paper. It might have killed some of the magic. But I'll be keen to look out for any future headlines. Anything is possible, especially if they keep the same proof-reader on staff.

MULSIM

FANATIC

PEACHES
VIOLETS