Precision

I have the focus of a laser beam.

Not a functional laser beam; a laser beam that has seen the horrors of war and decided to embrace pacifism.

Not all lasers are used in wars, of course. In fact, I don't think they are commonly used as offensive weapons. I should stop learning about war from the film Short Circuit (he didn't have the laser in Short Circuit 2).

Anyway, now I'm as focussed as a jaded, alcoholic Vietnam Vet-laser. I'm generally dissatisfied, angry at no-one in particular, and spectacularly ineffective.

---

The above is an extract from my CV. It's good to sound disturbed, pedantic and dismissive of the armed forces.

***

My mind is like a trap.

Not a functional trap; a trap that is battered and past its best.

In its heyday it captured cougars and barracudas and Lex Luger. But now the springs have gone, the casing has cracked. It couldn't hold an inanimate fog or the memory of a dandelion.

My mind should be put out of its misery. And, ironically, it's incapable of grasping the gravity of the the situation.

---

The above is an extract from the second volume of my memoirs.

People like to read stuff about traps. That's why Russell Brand's Booky Wook did so well. I think most of it was baffling trap content.

***

Ah, Autumn! The King of Seasons!

Golden leaves, shiny conkers, loudmouthed children gobbing their way to school, tricky wardrobe decisions, the Pope, shatter-proof rulers, frogs, Leuven in Belgium, antagonism, frosty mornings, paint, North African peasants weeping over lasagne, Bonfire Night, chess, Flight of the Navigator...

Sorry, I just started listing things there. What was I talking about?

Oh yes - Autumn! The King of Seasons!

Destined to mate with Summer (the Queen of Seasons) to produce Winter (the Prince of Seasons).

And to perhaps also mate with Wednesday, producing a curious day/season hybrid that will one day/season hold dominion over all temporal realms.

Spring was adopted.

I like Autumn. I get to bring out my big leather coat.

I haven't worn it for a couple of years, as it's been stored at my parents house (too big to bring on the train).

I bought it in New York (I'm thoroughly Neapolitan). I thought it would make me look like a trendy Matrix-y non-conformist. Instead, I look like a bulky, overly-pocketed Soviet Agent gone to seed.

It's well warm, though. It has a furry lining you can take out.

I'm looking forward to the cold weather. I can come into work wearing my big coat. People will think I've gone mad! But I'll show them!

I will wear clothes underneath.

I will.

I will.

I will.

I will.

I will.

I will.

I will.I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will.

I almost certainly will.