Pleased To Meet You

If you don't know someone well, it's difficult to start a conversation with them. You don't need much information, but you do need some.

If you know they breed carrier pigeons, for example, you can ask "How are the carrier pigeons?", "What have your pigeons been carrying?", or something similar.

But if you have no information whatsoever about their life or interests, your options are limited.

You can go for a question about football or television. But if they don't like football, or if they don't believe in television, you've lost them forever.

That's why the weather is such a popular conversation topic. You can be reasonably sure that everyone has experienced some weather in their life. Unless they live in a plastic bubble (in which case the opener "What's the deal with the bubble?" is available). So, your opening salvo might be:

"It's a bit chilly today, isn't it?"

They might disagree, but at least you've got the ball rolling. Sometimes I like to mix it up a little:

"How about that nitrogen, eh?"

or

"How long has it been since you saw a volcano?"

Just small talk. But it's not much fun.

I might start handing out questionnaires to everyone I meet, so I can get a sense of their interests. Questions can include 'Favourite Film', 'Favourite Band', 'Favourite Food', 'Stance on Immigration' etc.

Then I'd have a list of ready-made conversation-starters. I could just look at their answers.

"So... Ricardo," I could say, looking down at the form. "It says here you've been convicted of 'manslawter'. Can I assume from this that you are a poor speller? How's that working out for you?"

Or:

"So... Ricardo," (this is a different Ricardo) "Your favourite film is Phone Booth. That's an interesting choice. Oh, I see. It's not the Colin Farrell one. It's that documentary where someone keeps making nuisance phone calls to Connie Booth from Fawlty Towers. I haven't seen that. IS IT GOOD?"

If someone refused to fill out the questionnaire, even that would be a starting out point.

"So... Ricardo," (the first one again) "I see from your lack of answers that you don't like questionnaires. Is the reason for this: A) You feel they are invasive; B) You think it's odd for me to be doing this, as we've only just met; or C) You were abused as a child in a multiple-choice format."

[His answer would be B]

The questionnaire might be time-consuming to produce, and is possibly a waste of the office photocopier. But I've come up with a cheaper solution.

As soon as I'm introduced to someone, I'll hurl a mug at their face as hard as I can. That way, I'm sure to have something to talk to them about. Either:

"Wow, your reflexes are incredible!"

or

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I just wanted to get to know you better. The ambulance will be here soon. Just put pressure on it. Here, wrap this foil blanket round you. Ok, it's not technically a foil blanket. It's a Kit Kat wrapper. Yes, I miss the old ones too. More satisfying. Try to stay awake. You've lost a lot of blood. And I've lost a mug. Yes, I know it's not really the same. I was just empathising. You might look better with a different-shaped nose, anyway. Surgeons can do amazing things. Even on the NHS. Try to stay awake. I'm sure it does hurt. No, sorry, I finished the Kit Kat a while ago. Yes, I miss the old wrappers too. I mentioned it before. You seem a bit woozy. Why don't you have some coffee? Oh. Wait. It seems to have all gone. It must have spilled out when my mug shattered in your face. Oh. Yes. Now I understand. You're also badly scalded. At first I thought it was just the shards of enamel and bone piercing your skin. But it's also the hot coffee. My bad. Hey, I think that's the ambulance. Oh. No. It's just a leaf. Ha. Hahahaha. I thought it was an ambulance. But it's just a leaf. I don't know what I was thinking. Don't let your eyes roll back in your head. Well, ok, one can roll back. But not both. Why are you still shivering? What about the Kit Kat blanket? Shall we sing a song? I'll take that as a 'yes'. What shall we sing? A sea shanty? We're not at sea. Though you seem quite wet. Because of the blood! Sorry, that joke was a little close to the knuckle. If only the mug had been close to the knuckle. Right? Right? Yes. Then we wouldn't be in this situation. What shall we do with the Drunken Sailor? No, silly. I mean the song. There isn't actually a Drunken Sailor here. Not in the office. He wouldn't work in an office. Also, we have a strict alcohol policy. Oh dear. Your foil blanket-wrapper has torn. Oh. And now you've been sick. Well, I can start singing. And you can join in if you start to feel better. #What shall we so with the Drunken Sailor?! What shall we do with the Drunken Sailor?! What shall we do with the Drunken Sailor?! Ear-ly in the... # What's wrong? Don't be ridiculous! The impact was nowhere near your brain stem! Yes. Yes. I miss the old foil blankets too! I think we mentioned that before. Oh look, here's the ambulance. Oh. No. It's another leaf. Only joking! I was joking. Because, before... do you remember... before, I thought the ambulance was here, but it turned out to just be a leaf. So I was joking that I'd made the same mistake again! But I haven't; it actually is the ambulance. Try to not look too bad. You don't want to scare them. You've stopped shivering. That's good. Anyway, it was nice to meet you.

DON'T DIE ON ME, RICARDO!

Anyway, it was nice to meet you."


***

Just small talk.