Sir David Attenborough's Reward

Apparently David Attenborough has special privileges. And I don't think anyone would begrudge him that.

Because of his work in creating incredible television and raising awareness of a variety of wildlife, he is allowed to eat swans. It's just him and the Queen. Sometimes they go swanning together.

Swanning is an ancient ritual where you put your mouth around a swan's head, and attempt to ingest the bird only through suction (no chewing is allowed). I once saw the Queen Mother swanning. She tried to use the same tactic on a policeman, but was politely informed that swanning a living human person was outside of her remit.

Attenborough can also transport any plant or animal anywhere he likes.

Even Australasia, which has very stringent laws regarding the importing of foreign species, allows him to come and go as he pleases. Attenborough recently carried a wombat and a koala in an attaché case through Australian customs. The radiation from the x-ray scanners killed the creatures, but Attenborough wanted to keep the carcasses for an unknown purpose.

If he is not recognised, and is questioned about his living cargo, he shows the authorities a special ID card. The card is just a picture of his own face. It is respected by all governments on earth, even North Korea and The Republic of Santa Claus (in Southern California).

Once, he was seen attempting to throw grey squirrels onto Brownsea Island (from a yacht). The authorities could do nothing.

David Attenborough can take any object from any museum, no questions asked. He can even yank out a bone from a dinosaur skeleton and, provided he has his ID card, can keep it (even if the skeleton collapses on a visiting school party from the Netherlands).

Some people have asked why his ID card is necessary. "It's just a picture of his face," they say. "He already has an image of his own face. It's on the front of his head. It's his face. It is literally his face."

But the ID card is laminated.

Attenborough is also allowed to experiment on animals. He is known for his attempts at human flight. He tends to use severed birds' wings, attached to his arms with twine. His most successful attempt was using one albatross wing and one starling wing. Both on his right arm.

He flew forty centimetres.

I'm proud of Attenborough. I think he has done this country a lot of good, and deserves some special treatment.

To summarise, David Attenborough can:

1) Eat Swans
2) Transport Wildlife
3) Pillage Museums
4) Experiment on Animals
and finally:
5) He can use the phrase "Let's be Attenborough" instead of "Let's be 'avin' ya", and everyone must laugh and not look confused or anything.

As long as he shows his card.