The New ELB

How about a time machine that's a car, but has clocks on the hubcaps? The hands of the clock would be fixed to the wheel, but would reflect the actual time. As you drove forward, the hands would move anti-clockwise, and you'd go back in time. You could travel to the future by reversing.

I think it could be a real hit. I might start up one of those companies that sells pointless gadgets for wanky office workers with no imagination (I'm doing all my Christmas shopping with them this year).

Not that a time machine is pointless, mind you. There are lots of practical applications. You could hit the accelerator and speed into the past, where you could invent a time machine that's a car, but has clocks on the hubcaps.

But I think I'd be good at designing quirky, fun, useless things that people will never use. Like a glow-in-the-dark sundial, or a phone that's also a knife.

The important thing to remember with these things is that they need to seem exciting at first, but turn out to be ultimately disappointing.

I think my company will be called yeah-itsprettygood-imeanitsnotquitewhatiwasexpecting-butthanksanyway.com.

(Not to be confused with butthanks.com, which is a compendium of all of Tom Hanks's nude scenes. My favourite is that deleted scene from Forrest Gump, where he meets Larry Flynt)

My business model is as follows:

- set up an attractive website, displaying all my products
- don't actually make any products, on the assumption that no-one will want to buy them
- sell advertising space to proper companies who sell these kind of things
- count the money, buy a house

If anyone does try and buy one of our products, I can stage some kind of national tragedy or alien invasion, which will distract them long enough for me to hastily build the desired item (it can't take too long to build a pen that is also a pen, can it?)

I'm an entrepreneur, like Henry Sugar. I'll let you know when the site is up and running. I must warn you that the time machine, the sundial and the knife-phone are limited in availability.

But pen-pens are back in stock.