Again, to the well

Honoré de Balzac once said: "When we drink coffee, ideas march in like the army".

I've just had some coffee. But my ideas are marching like the French army (ie backwards).

***

#Some people call me the Space Cowboy!
Some people call me the gangster of love!#

No-one calls you the gangster of love.

What? Yes they do!

Who? Who calls you the gangster of love?

Loads of people!

Name one.

Uh...

Go on.

Stan. Stan called me the gangster of love. The other day.

Stan did not call you the gangster of love.

Well, somebody did.

No-one has ever called you the gangster of love. Even after you had that stupid t-shirt printed. You can't make up your own nickname. Who do you think you are? Paul Ince?

It's... it's a cool name

It's not a cool name. It's a fucking stupid name. The gangster of love is a rubbish name. You should have stuck with Space Cowboy. No-one called you that either, but at least it's not as bad as 'the gangster of love'.

But gangsters are cool. What about the Godfather?

What about the Godfather? It's a good film. In part due to the fact that no-one referred to themselves as the gangster of love. No-one would like the film if they shot Sonny on the causeway with rose petals and Barry Fucking Manilow playing in the background.

Well, some people call me the gangster of love...

(LONG PAUSE - THE CAR JOURNEY HAS BECOME SOMEWHAT TENSE)



Some people call me Maurice.

I know some people call you Maurice! Maurice is your FUCKING name!

Alright! Jesus...


(THE CAR SPEEDS ON. THE TREES ARE LOOKING BARE. WINTER IS COMING)



#I am the egg man! They are the egg men! I am the walrus!#

Right, that's it! Stop the fucking car.

But... but you're driving...

***

All my ideas end with someone getting really angry. It probably suggests a certain amount of pent-up rage. Hmm. I've never written 'pent-up' before. It looks wrong.

Francis Bacon said: 'Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor'.

I don't come off well there.

The true test of comedy is to write a sketch where everyone is pleasant and cordial, and there's no conflict, and yet it's hilarious.

Let's give it a try!

MARGOT: Oh Donald, isn't it lovely for us to (GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMS)

(MORE SHOTS)

EDGAR: Donald! Why? Why?

(SLICING SOUND)

(EXPLOSION)

(SILENCE)

...

(VOMIT)


Oh dear. That wasn't very easy. I started off ok, but everything started to go wrong quite quickly. I suppose I'm stuck with being angry and repetitive.

REPETITIVE?! ANGRY?

Yes! Angry!

And repetitive!

Repetitive and angry!

And... alone.


***

Well, that was fun! Join me next time for a milestone event - a celebration of Biblical proportions. It won't be as long as the Bible. But it will exceed it in scope.