I think I'd be remiss if I didn't call this entry 'Waffle'

This isn't the potato-related fun mentioned in my last post, but is potato-related. I suppose there is a rich vein of tuber goodness to be mined for laughs. (Tuber Goodness should not be confused with Cuba Gooding Jr, although I'd rather stare at a potato for two hours than watch Jerry Fucking Maguire again).



Birds Eye Potato Waffles are waffly versatile.

And they are. They are waffly versatile. But let's face it: that is damning with faint praise.

Even the most waffly versatile foodstuff isn't that versatile in the grand scheme of things. Your options with potato waffles are still fairly limited.

Grill 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, eat 'em.

Immediately, without any further analysis, we can see that there are only four options here.

Four options does not constitute versatility. I can think of four ways to wear a baseball cap. I wouldn't say that it's a particularly versatile piece of clothing. It is still (regardless of the configuration) in essence, a hat.

One of your waffle options is 'eat 'em'.

Eat 'em?

That's not versatility! That's not a wacky alternative option! If you're producing a foodstuff, its being edible is expected. It's standard. That is a default option for any food.

"Why not try, for a laugh, eating the waffles?!"

Thanks for that suggestion. I was planning on using them as hilarious Elton John-style glasses. I was going to construct an ineffective prison cell. I was going to use it as a tiny cattle-grid so that any beef products I might be eating aren't able to escape the plate. And now you're telling me I can eat them as well? Praise the Lord! These waffles must be some kind of all-purpose super-food!

(That was sarcasm, by the way. I'm actually quite sceptical about the versatility claims made by the advert - perceptive readers may have caught that)

I can't help but wonder why they decided to market this product on the basis of its versatility, when it's not really evident. It's almost as if the product has NO OTHER APPEALING ASPECTS WHATSOEVER.

I also object to the advert on linguistic grounds. You can't completely change the meaning of a word by sticking an adjective in front of it.

"Oh, we know they're not versatile. But they are waffly versatile. That's different."

You can't start doing that. There'd be anarchy.

Try new Marlboro Lights! They're tobacco-ly good for you!

Nestle - The exploitationally ethical snack company!

They try to escape this semantic cul-de-sac by changing the slogan to 'awffly versatile' at the end. But they spell it wrong, so they can't be sued: "I'm sorry you are not pleased with the variety of cooking options presented by our waffles, madam. But it clearly says at the end of the advert 'awffly versatile', not 'awfully versatile'. As you may know, 'awffly' is actually a Welsh word meaning: 'not'."

So, all in all, I think we can agree that Birds Eye have let us down (also in the odd decision not to have an apostrophe in their company's name).

***

So Paul, I hear you saying, that was probably too much time spent analysing a ten-second advert from the eighties.

Well, you might think that. But I think I can milk the waffle-topic a little bit more. That's because I did a Google search for the product, and came up with this website.

It's a site with reviews.

Reviews of waffles.

I didn't know such things existed, but I'm delighted that they do.

I know there are reviews on places like Amazon. But these are usually for things like DVDs and books. Things that are complicated and interesting to review. These reviews might provide guidance for your purchase.

But who is looking for guidance on their purchase of potato fucking waffles? They might be versatile (although they're not, as I discussed briefly above), but they're still just waffles. Who are the people so conflicted about their grocery purchase that they're scouring the internet looking for advice? Are they going to be crippled with guilt if they feel they've spent their £1.24 unwisely?

Even if you haven't tried them before, you must have some idea what their going to be like. You're probably not expecting some kind of gourmand epiphany through the consumption of these processed food-grids. If you're on the fence, try them! Live a little! Life's too short to sweat the little things (even if the little things are greasy squares).

[Note to self: pitch new grease-based version of Hollywood Squares. Slippery celebrities answer questions, slide off the stage, break hips. Ratings.]

But the biggest problem isn't the people who read the reviews on the internet. The more interesting question is: who writes the reviews of Birds Eye Potato Waffles?

PhilT81 writes:

They really are Waffly Versatile!
Advantages: Taste, Convenience, Versatility
Disadvantages: None

There are no disadvantages. He obviously hasn't put as much thought into the versatility issue as I have. Amateur.

welshwickedone writes:

What You Get:

Each waffle is approximately 4 inches (20cm) wide, 5 inches (22.5cm) long and about 1/4 inch (1cm) thick.

I'm glad someone has taken the time to do this. It's useful for everyone. If anyone with a 3.5 inch mouth was thinking of buying some waffles and eating them whole, they'd know not to make the purchase. Good for them.

Lovin_Angel has written a fucking thesis:

The experience that led to me to buy this product was a rare one, to say the least! I was actually shopping on my own! (On your own?? I hear you say) Yes it is true. I was allowed to the supermarket without Kyrtis. This is where those of you who do not have children start frowning at the screen. Well let me tell you, that you do not know how lucky you are to be able to walk round the supermarket without a child whinging because they do not want to sit in the trolley, but then when you take them out they run riot. It is definitely one of the most stressful experiences – ever! (Except watching Top of the Pops nowadays). So, there I was wandering around in a zombie like daze staring at the products available and they looked so different to usual. That is because when I have Kyrtis with me all the products are a blur as I race round trying to shop and find my son at the same time. I was amazed at how transfixed I was by the whole ‘shopping on my own’ experience.

I don't even know where to start with this one.

Ok, I do. Kyrtis?

KYRTIS?

Her son sounds like the hero of a low-budget 80s sci-fi film.

["Oh my god! The thrusters are shot! We're going down! Who could have done this? Wait a minute! Who's that on that space-chopper?

I don't believe it! Kyrtis! You son-of-a-bitch! Kyrtis!

KYRTIS!!!" *BOOM*]

Secondly, what's her issue with Top of the Pops? Especially nowadays (I assume this was written before its cancellation)? I can understand not liking modern music, but 'one of the most stressful experiences - ever!'? Why is it so stressful? Maybe she (and I'm going to assume it's a woman) was jilted by one of the producers. Maybe she was tortured under a South American dictatorship whilst they played the theme tune. The good thing about TV, as far as stressful experiences go, is it has a handy 'off' switch which can be used at any time.

Thirdly, she responds to imaginary questions from the reader "(On your own?? I hear you say)". What kind of nutcase does that?

"Uh, Paul...?"

Quiet, you.

Anyway, that review is a masterpiece. I might have to revisit that site and see what they have to say about other products.

I should stop now, because I've written too much for any sane person to stand.

For the record, I actually quite like Birds Eye Potato Waffles. I like to dip them in engine oil, then roast them in the heat of the Earth's core.

That's the good thing about the product. Plenty of options.