Jan! Jan! He's our man!

It has been nice walking to work this week (except for the occasional apocalyptic downpour), because it has been half term. This means that we don't have to do the usual complicated business of avoiding manic kids and stressed out parents on our way.

Children get everywhere. They flicker like old film stock. They're like insects with stupid hats. And in the mornings I'm even slower than usual. I lumber along, half asleep, with all the gracefullness of that rock giant in The Neverending Story. The contrast makes me nauseus.

I'm glad I don't have to go to school anymore, I don't think I'd be able to following the flahing colours and words and sounds.

The strange thing about modern children is they're all on those little scooters. I don't know when this fad began, but they're everywhere now. It's like some terrible contagious disease. The scooters make kids even faster - mosquitoes on wheels.

With all this scootering (scooting?), in twenty years time we're going to have a whole generation of society whose legs have been warped. They'll have one massive, muscly leg (the scootering leg) that looks like one of those meat carousels in a kebab shop. It will be hugely powerful. The other, standing, leg will be long and thin from lack of use, but will be strong and supple like bamboo. The foot will have evolved into a suction-cup that can adhere itself to any surface.

These flamingo-elephant people will lumber around, and with no scooters to ride (I will have burned them all) the human race will collapse.

***

There's a new Southampton manager. His name is Jan Poortvliet.

As well as having a name that I can't even consider pronouncing, no-one seems to know who he is. This could be another Ali Dia. No-one who's name contains the word 'poor' can instill too much confidence.

On the other hand, maybe we can create a Dutch microcosm in St Mary's. The players can play in clogs. We can convert one stand into a giant windmill that will adjust the flight of the ball at crucial moments.

And there can be free pot for every spectator. I think it would make for a more pleasant atmosphere.

I like that there are several clear-cut Dutch stereotypes. There's no messing about with nuance. They're just there: windmills, clogs, drugs, porn, tulips.

And euthanasia. But who'd want to die if you lived in a place with all that?