Jective

I don't understand people who say they don't like The Beatles.

"I don't like The Beatles."

It may seem like a reasonable opinion for someone to have, but on closer inspection is revealed to be impossible. They might as well say that they aren't the person saying the thing they're saying. That doesn't make sense. Because they are. They are that person.

It's not because The Beatles are so unfathomably amazing that they can't be denied. I like them a lot, but they're not one of my favourite bands. There are quite a few artists who I'd rather listen to. They're not leagues above everyone else. But they have one thing that makes the above statement incoherent: unparalleled variety.

(Their variety might be paralleled. I'm not sure - I haven't really thought about it. I just started writing.)

I love The Fall. I prefer The Fall to The Beatles. I have more Fall albums than I do Beatles albums. The Fall are one of my favourite bands. But if someone said: "I don't like The Fall", I could totally understand it.

I might think they're brilliant, but if you've heard five or six Fall songs, and you didn't like any of them, there's a good chance you're not going to like any of the rest of them. That's fair enough. It's a reasonable decision to make. "I don't like The Fall" is a coherent statement.

I love Ben Folds Five. I prefer Ben Folds Five to The Beatles. I have more Ben Folds Five albums than I do Beatles albums. Ben Folds Five are one of my favourite bands. But, again, if you've heard a few of their songs and don't like them, I'm happy to accept that it's true. And that no amount of me evangelising about a catchy B-side will convince you otherwise.

This is true for most bands. Even the bands that are nearest and dearest to my heart. Some people like different types of music. Sometimes an act just won't 'click' for someone. That's fine. Variety is the spice of life.

And here we are again: variety.

The thing about The Beatles is that I reckon I could put together a ten-song playlist of Beatles tunes that are all totally distinct - in mood, in musicality, in lyrics, in energy. And if you don't like those, I could put together another one. Then another.

There are too many different types of song for you to hate them all. Dislike the Scouse beat pop of 'I Want to Hold Your Hand'? Well, maybe you'll like the proto-metal of 'Helter Skelter'. Don't like the kitchen-sink melancholy of 'She's Leaving Home'? Maybe you'll like the trippy acid-drenched 'Tomorrow Never Knows'. Don't like the apocalyptic blues of 'I Want You (She's So Heavy)'? You're an idiot. But also, you might like the jaunty music hall 'Honey Pie'.

As I said, I'm far from the biggest Beatles aficionado. I'm probably only familiar with 50% of their back catalogue. But it's still pretty impressive.

So when someone says: "I don't like The Beatles", I don't understand what they're saying.

You don't like The Beatles? You don't like any of their songs? This isn't like the Fall, where several songs will give you a rough indication of what they're all about (not to disparage the diversity of The Fall, of course, which is in its own way very impressive).

If you've listened to several Beatles songs and don't like them, there are seventy more that might change your mind.

The only thing that these songs have in common is... they're by The Beatles. That's it. If you don't like any Beatles songs, I can only think it's because they all have the word "Beatles" somewhere on the record sleeve.

And that doesn't seem a good criterion for judging music. I can only conclude that you dislike them because they're so highly praised.

I can understand that. I'm sure I do it too. It's human nature to react against disproportionate praise. With most things (films, books, fabrics), this isn't an indication of a lapse in judgement.

But when it comes to The Beatles, it is.

Subjectivity ends with The Beatles. And even though that goes against every instinct I have, and contradicts my basic assumptions about aesthetics, I'm going to continue to argue that it's true.


The Beatles are overrated. They are. They are deified to a ridiculous extent. People who think of them as Gods need to open their minds and ears. There are and were other fantastic people out there, doing similarly revolutionary things and writing amazing songs.

The Beatles are overrated. But they're still the best band of all time.

***

Inception genuinely was terrible, though. That's not just a reaction against prevailing wisdom. And Star Wars.

(I'm just trying to lose as many people as I can before the end of this post)

John Peel? Idiot.

And Attenborough.

And hope and kindness.

And bananas.

...

I think I went too far with that last one.

I should finish with a Beatles song, shouldn't I?

Well, that would make too much sense.