Tom!

I'm not incredibly bored. At least there's that. Some comfort there. Boredom would be an inconvenience. Worse: a burden. But I'm not bored. Boredom is so far away I can barely see it. I've forgotten what boredom is. I'm on a raft adrift on a sea of interest, with no shore and no radio and no provisions. Boredom? I don't even know the meaning of the word.

I might go and get something to eat. Not out of boredom, but out of desire to support the economy. We're all Greece now.

***

I bought a sandwich. It's 3.35pm and I bought a sandwich. This is unprecendented (that's an unprecedented spelling of 'unprecedented' - though, thinking about it, it's probably been spelt that way before, am I right?).

The bread's not fresh. Of course it's not. Homey don't play dat! ("Homey" is another term for bread.) But it's still an sandwich. I'm eating a sandwich while y'all are just eating an air sandwich (an oxygen atom surrounded by two thick-cut granary hydrogen atoms).

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M TALKING LIKE THIS.

I've probably been poisoned again. That's what I get for sticking my neck out and injecting it with poison.

Luckily, I also bought some coffee. Coffee is nature's antidote. No poison can stand up to it. If you can die from it, coffee can... stop that from happening.

I've been timing myself since I was nine years old. My stopwatch is long-gone. I was an idiot back then.

Oooh! I have a text! Who's it from! Probably Tom Hanks with another pitch. And I'm all like "Tom!". That's what I'm like. Entirely like that.

Oh. It's from Vodafone. They want my help in finding their missing "ph". The f is doing OK, but it's not long for this world.

They don't have any information on the "ph"'s last known whereabouts, but they do have a photograph.

Oh. There it is. I'll text them back to let them know. "Photograph" doesn't need that second "ph". "Photo" is already an accepted abbreviation. The "ph" can go back to Vodafone, and the "gra" can go to... I don't know... Viagra. They can always use another one. Viagragra.

I'd buy that.

(I wouldn't buy that)

Brackets are funny.

***

It's literally taken me three proofreadings to realise that H₂O is water and not air. Why would that be air? Air's got loads of stuff in it, like Nitrogen (N) and Apartheid (A). Why did I think it was H₂O? I'm an idiot. My sandwich joke has fallen on deaf ears, and the ears of science.


It's raining. That explains it. I'm not an idiot. Also, I'm struggling to cope with the death of my neighbour. He loved water.

Uh-oh. Why is that sentence running off the edge of the page? What did I do? Is it something to do with that little '2'? You know, the science one. I'm not going to type it again, in case...

Gah! That's illegible!

What, am I going to have to keep pressing return now?

Like some kind of chump?

I just got another text.

It's from Dominos.

They want my help in finding their missing apostrophe. 

I have no time for that. Maybe they can make do with the "gra".

They can become Iron Dogmas.

I'd love to have an Iron Dogmas pizza. It sounds delicious.

As long as toppings didn't include:
a) iron
b) dogs
c) pineapple

Hey, you know what would be funny? 

If the whole glitch where my text is extending too far doesn't show up when I publish it!

None of the above will make sense!

None of it!

I haven't even finished my coffee. I'd better get back to it. You've distracted me. I'M TRYING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!