Pitch Perfect

I need to get back in the habit of writing.

I'm working on a script at the moment.

I haven't finished it yet. Or started it yet.

I haven't sketched out an outline of the series yet. Or an episode.

I haven't really got a premise as such.

Or any characters.

I don't really have a name for it, or any conception of what I want to be.

Is it a radio sitcom or a TV sitcom?

Is it a sitcom?

Is it a sketch show?

Is it even a script?

I don't know.

All I know is I've got 100 blank pages that need to be filled with writing.

...

OK, I haven't got any paper.

But I have hypothetical paper.

I need to put down some hypothetical words on hypothetical paper to form some coherent hypothetical whole.

So I have nothing.

But I'm working on it.

***

Let's workshop a sitcom scenario:

Ankles

Ricky Ankles is a snake with delusions of grandeur. Despite his lowly status, he hopes to slither his way into a position of authority - perhaps a city councillor or an archdeacon. Just one thing is missing: legs.

That's two things. But they are joined by the pelvis.

Together with his disapproving mother Esssther, and his dim-witted sidekick Mouthful (a frozen mouse he didn't have the heart to eat), Ricky tries to acquire some legs. Each week he gets close to his aim but is thwarted by bad luck and the ghost of Steve Irwin.

---

OK, let's see what we've got so far.

Pros:

Well defined characters
A strong, original premise
Jeopardy
Snakes

Cons:

Difficult to film
Derivative of hit HBO sitcom Danny Triceps (about a worm who wants arms)

The question we need to ask is: does this series have legs?

Then we need to laugh.

Gaaaahahaha.

Frankly, I think this would need a lot of work.

But that's what Tolstoy thought when he wrote трицепс (the original inspiration for Danny Triceps).

Let's try a sample scene. There are many ways of making a scene effective. The most common one is to have it take place in a hot air balloon.


INT. HOT AIR BALLOON - DAY


RICKY slithers back and forth, whilst MOUTHFUL chews on some straw.

RICKY
I wish I could pace. This
doesn't convey my pensive mood.

MOUTHFUL looks through a hole in the basket.

MOUTHFUL
Do you reckon I could survive falling
from this height?

RICKY
What? Of course not.

MOUTHFUL
I reckon I could. What I'd do right,
is just as I'm about to hit the ground,
yeah, I'd just jump upwards.
Then it would cancel it out.
Up plus down equals... uh... mouse.
Alive mouse.

RICKY
Can I borrow your phone?
I need to arrange to have your
mother killed.

MOUTHFUL
Yeah, sure.

He hands over the phone, but it just falls to the floor.

MOUTHFUL (CONT'D)
You don't have any hands.
D'you want me to dial?


RICKY
I want you to cover yourself in
thousand island dressing, and
just sit quietly until I'm hungry.


MOUTHFUL
When will that be?


RICKY
I don't know. I ate a horse
and baked potato earlier.

The GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN appears.

GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN
G'day mates! How's about
we boomerang ourselves a
reef and cork hat koala knife?

The balloon catches on fire and everyone in the world wakes up from a dream, sweating.

I'm not saying it couldn't work. But the concept needs some development.

I might put this one on the back burner until it has been completely consumed by the flames.

***

More screenwriting tips tomorrow.

I might not write them down, but you can look some up or just invent them.