Let's talk about rape!
That's right. A hilarious sideways look at rape!
(It occurs to me that the beginnings of this blog now appear on Facebook, so just to confirm: this will be thoughtful, well-researched an interminably dull).
The first thing I want to talk about is rape in comedy. Rape jokes are everywhere in stand-up. It's a kind of shorthand for 'edginess'. It's a taboo subject that is guaranteed to get a reaction out of the audience.
I don't think it's impossible to have a funny rape joke. In fact, describing them as 'rape jokes' is a bit misleading, as it immediately suggests that rape itself is being found funny, when in reality it's usually some aspect of language that's being mocked, or a juxtaposition of disparate ideas. I can't imagine a joke being funny if its overall message was "Ha! Rape!". (I'm running a gauntlet of potentially disastrous misquotings here, but I think we all trust each other, right?)
But the rape joke is a staple. As is the paedophile joke. I'm certainly not innocent of doing these myself, but I'm trying not to. I'm trying to cut out the unnecessary crudity. But of course it's difficult when your floundering on stage, and you know you can save yourself with one cry of the word 'cunt', grab onto the lifeline of outraged laughter and pull yourself back on deck.
Aside from the cheap laugh, there are a couple of reasons that I think rape jokes are commonplace:
The first is that for a long time, the subject wasn't allowed in comedy. I mean, I'm sure it was still there in private conversation and taboo-breaking late night rowdy rendezvous.
(What's the plural of rendezvous? I'd check now, but I'm on an pretentious roll - eg. a fennel, pomegranate seed and prosciutto ciabatta)
Most joke topics have been done to death, so most comic terrain has been covered. So when a previously restricted topic becomes available, there's a whole fresh, virgin field of possible gags, quips, puns and rants that suddenly opens up.
I haven't really researched this, so I'm probably wrong, but let's say comedians started talking about rape in the 80s. It's one of the most untouched topics. Then paedophilia came onto the market.
Of course, it's still offensive to some, but it's a whole new subject area to explore with a comedy eye.
The second reason I think jokes about rape in particular are popular is due to some inherent property of the word itself.
Rape.
It's sharp and clear. It ends abruptly. It's like a little linguistic flourish - a filthy cherry on top of the sentence.
I believe that about other words too. We go along with ideas of political correctness, but only if it doesn't rob us of a good sounding comedy word.
No-one uses the word 'nigger' on stage. No-one would use 'cripple' to describe a disabled person. (Well, almost no-one) But the word 'retard' is commonly used. Again, I think it's partly due to the nature of the word: those two syllables, the comedy whoopee-cushion noise of the '-ard'.
It's like comedians everywhere thought about the word 'retard', acknowledged that is was a derogatory word used to describe people with mental disabilities, accepted that this word is used to bully and humiliate people, but decided that they had to keep using it for the sake of comedy. It's a funny word.
I hope it doesn't seem like I'm trying to defend the use of these words, but I'm just interested in the language and rhythm of comedy.
As I said, I'm trying not to mention rape or paedophilia on stage, or use any un-PC words. But sometimes it's difficult. And sometimes you want to tell a joke about paedophilia without being seen as someone who tells 'paedophile jokes'. I quite want to do a routine about it from an old blog post, but I'll have to think carefully about how I do it.
***
Right, so that's rape in comedy. It's casually thrown around, but I don't think people really consider it. Which is a shame, because this country seems to have a ridiculously distorted view of the subject.
[I say 'this country'. I'm sure it's not just this country. And I'm sure it's not all of this country. I hope it's just the despicable tabloid element, but national statistics are still worrying].
I was looking up statistics on rape convictions, and discovered that there's a whole rape section of the Guardian website. Obviously this is a good thing - and important issue that needs coverage, a place to go for people that have questions etc.
I just hope they never make it into a pull-out section for the print edition. I don't want people to see me sitting on the tube, perusing the Guardian Rape supplement. It might create the wrong impression.
Anyway, I've always been angered at the fact that the tabloids have such a hysterical, idiotic, disproportionate reaction to paedophilia, and yet are so dismissive of rape.
Whilst anyone remotely suspected of abusing children is an inhuman monster who should be flayed, rolled in salt, then thrown into a vat of boiling knives; rape is generally seen as slutty temptresses getting what they deserve.
I'm exaggerating, of course, but I think the general belief is true. Conviction rates for reported rapes are stupidly low (the exact figures are debated, but it's claimed that only 6% of reported rape incidents result in prosecution). What's more, women are often seen as partly responsible. One survey has a majority of women putting some of the blame on the heads of the rape victims.
Women are blamed for wearing short skirts. For flirting. For having vaginas.
FACT (not a real fact): 40% of the British people believe rape victims are to blame if they've failed to erect a plexiglass shell around their pelvises to keep out the men.
FACT (not a real fact): 95% of Daily Mail readers claim that raped women are 'asking for it' if they fail to present a card at the beginning of any meeting with a man, which reads: "NO SEX TODAY PLEASE".
FACT (not a real fact): Two thirds of adult humans believe a woman stating "I like grapes" equates to consent, as the word 'rape' is contained therein.
People are idiots.
Apparently, 40% of surveyed Londoners believe that the woman is partly responsible if she's committed a sex act. That is an ACTUAL FACT.
What kind of logic is that?
"Yes, Your Honour. She lent me fifty pence, so I felt entitled to her handbag."
"Well, she cried on my shoulder, so I assume she was consenting to me taking all the liquid from her body."
"She gave me a sip of coffee, so I feel entitled to the deeds for her family's Brazilian plantations."
It's like they're trying to excuse the rapist. There's no grey area there. I'm reasonably confident that I wouldn't rape someone based on semantics or inferences. Because I think rape is wrong. It's never in my itinerary of possible activities. If it is, it's probably me that is to blame.
But paedophilia is different. That's unmitigated evil.
It's like as a child, a girl is wrapped in cotton-wool, surrounded by armed paedo-spotters. Then, at midnight on her sixteenth birthday, she becomes a sex-crazed harpy tempting every male acquaintance into her evil claws.
I hate the tabloids.
And not in the way that everyone does: "What idiots! Hey, they blame everything on immigrants! These stories are ridiculous! Funny, even! What jokers..."
I get really depressed by them. They make me so angry. They're pamphlets spreading intolerance, ignorance and fear. But they're everywhere.
I get annoyed that the company I work for gets a copy of The Daily Mail for it's coffee shop. We're supposed to be an intelligent company. We should be thoughtful. We're even a charity! But we still spend money on what amounts to homophobic, misogynistic, anti-intellectual, racist propaganda.
I do believe in freedom of speech, so I wouldn't really want it banned or anything. I'm more depressed that there are enough people reading it at work to justify its presence there.
I have stupid fantasies about bringing down the tabloids. Becoming a big star, and turning against them. Fighting their influence over government policy, pointing out their hypocrisies, their awful anti-BBC bias, their fear-mongering.
But I can't really see how I'd get in that position. Maybe if I was King. But I think I'm pretty far down the line of succession. This country ("this country...") would be in trouble if the Monarchy needed me. They'd probably be better off with some sort of beetle or a Witch Doctor trapped in a photocopier.
Maybe if I was a huge star...
In fact, I get annoyed at big, intelligent celebrities (like, I don't know, Ricky Gervais or David Attenborough or someone) not being more critical of the tabloids. I want them to wage war.
But I suppose the tabloids are too powerful.
There's an awful self-sustaining conglomeration of idiocy, tabloid thinking, and cowardly politics that makes it difficult to break through.
But maybe, when I'm the most famousest man in the world, I'll smite them like an Old Testament God. I might lose the moral high-ground, but blowing stuff up with lightning bolts is fun.
***
I'm sorry for that indulgent, long-winded rant. I'll try and revert to (attempting) comedy next time.
To sum up:
1) Rape is bad
2) Tabloids are bad
3) Smiting can be good, depending on the target
4) I should reduce my earnestness to a low, furious hum
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