King for a day

I go through phases of using certain phrases. "Hello" is one. "Oh, right" is another.

Lately I've been overusing the expression "the King of BLANK".

Not actually "the King of BLANK". I don't know who that would be. Jimmy White, maybe. The BLANK is different each time.

For example, I might refer to a banana as 'the King of Fruit'.

Or the labrador as 'the King of Dogs'.

Or Friday as 'the King of Days'.

As you can imagine, it gets quite annoying. It's the King of Annoying Repetition.

It's also the King of Vaguely Sexist Expressions.

Why not the Queen? England's best monarchs have all been women. I should refer to bourbons as the Queen of Biscuits.

The trouble with that is it makes everything sound like a boat.

And no-one needs that.

I might try using a new expression. I can alternate. Here are some possibilities:

"a Nihilist's Dream"

used to indicate something is empty

- eg: "Is there any of that Appletise left?" "No, it's a Nihilist's Dream." "What?"

"it was like punching Prince Philip"

a satisfying activity

- eg: "How did it feel to be awarded the Nobel Prize for archery?" "It was like punching Prince Philip" "What?"

"whizzbungler"

a horrendous tragedy

- eg: "Apparently the whole family were killed in that fire. It was a real whizzbungler."

"punching Prince Philip"

masturbation

"richer than Moses's ghost"

used when something or someone is richer than Moses's ghost

- eg: "Jo Whiley is richer than Moses's ghost."

"a peripatetic chicken-coop"

love

"you might as well walk through the streets of your home town wearing a suit made of your own blood, singing an Aswad album-track, and spitting at every sign with an 'a', an 'f', or a comma on it"

don't do that

***

I will use all of these before the century is out. I hope you will too. It will get you some serious respect.

You'll be treated as groundbreaking, possibly spiritual, leaders. Kings of Kings of Kings.

And I shall be Queen.