Festive Nugget

That's right, no festive break from me! This blog observes no holidays, festivals, or opening hours. This is the blog that never sleeps (which is odd, as this blogger sleeps more than any other human).

I don't really want to talk about Christmas, but nothing else has been happening. Tinsel has invaded my brain like a parasite. Everything I think about is pine-needles this and egg nog that; wise men this and Kirsty MacColl that.

I'm trying to think of non-Christmassy things. Perhaps I can arrange a Non-Christmas. We can do it in mid-summer. What's the opposite of a Christmas tree? A palm tree? No, no, no. The opposite would be something completely un-treelike.

Oh, I know! A puddle of Dr Pepper. With a little army-man floating in it. Dressed as a clown.

Yes, that's a good start.

Instead of presents, we can all make facial expressions suggesting we've remembered something important, but then realised that it doesn't really matter. Non-stop. For four hours.

Yes, Non-Christmas is taking shape.

Non-Christmas dinner will merely consist of inhaling all of the noble gases (except neon, perhaps), followed by a round of Ian Dury impressions until the Queen's speech (spoken through a kazoo).

Yes, those certainly are some unusual things. Well done, Paul. Everyone likes it when you make lists of things that are out of place. It's much better than actually coming up with something interesting to say.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

The full-stop is the best punctuation for sarcasm. Some people think the exclamation mark is better, but they are wrong.

***

I tried in vain to think of something interesting to pad out this entry. Oh well. I suppose it's better to dish out small things often than large things rarely.

There's a sexual innuendo there somewhere, but I'm tired.