Mug World 1st Draft

[My caption for the above picture 'Mug World' has inspired me to write a screenplay. It's pretty revolutionary stuff - an action-thriller set in a dystopian alien world. It's quite sophisticated, so try and follow it as best you can]

MUG WORLD

by

P.M. FUNGE

FADE IN:

Ferrous smoke bellows through the cracks in the city. Rusty fire-escapes swing squeaking on their hinges. Rats and maggots engage in an apocalyptic food-war over some scraps of meat (human? yep).

A factory belches a fireball into the sky - a call for help; a death rattle. This world is dying, but luckily for us it's not our world. This is MUG WORLD.

Panicky footsteps - a woman's weak, feminine cries - her nine-inch stilettos splash in a puddle of sick. CANDY TUFT is running for her life.

Behind her, two bulky shapes emerge, barrelling through the alleyways like bronze tanks. They're not bronze, you understand. Or tanks. That was a simile. [Script-writing is literature]

MAN 1

Come on out, sugar-thighs!

MAN 2

Yeah! We ain't gonna hurt ya!

Well, maybe a little!

(MANIACAL LAUGH)

CANDY is trapped. She turns around, and her face is illuminated by some kind of light or something. She's blonde, has good cheekbones, wearing a leotard. A Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, but with balls. (Not literally - this isn't The Crying Game)

CANDY

If you punks wanna try something,

just give it a try!

She shakes her head in embarrassment at her quip [remember it was her that said it - it's not bad writing]. Her hand enters her Gucci purse [they still have Gucci in Mug World], and pulls out a switchblade.

The gleam of the weapon shines briefly, then is extinguished by the shadows of the two men.

MAN 1

Looks like we got ourselves a fighter!

MAN 2

You're gonna pay for this, blondie!

CANDY

Aw, what a shame, I left

my credit card at home!

[She didn't really leave it at home - it was a joke - and a good one]

Buoyed by her own wit she charges at the two men.

MAN 1 swings and misses - she kicks him in the shins [any woman's fighting move of choice] - MAN 2 comes up behind her, but she swings her purse in his face - she kicks him in the nuts

- but MAN 1 is back up, grabs her from behind, and wrestles the knife out of her dainty hands.

MAN 1

I gotta hand it to ya, toots!

You put up a hell of a fight!

MAN 2

Yeah, but playtime is over!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE (OS)

Wrong, scumbag! This game is

just gettin' started.

The two men spin round in horror at the sound of the voice. This voice has caused many a small-time hood to piss out their own innards in terror.

And from the rooftop leaps a man - no, not a man - a mountain.

He lands heavily, cracking the sidewalk. 8 feet tall, jaw like a bank-safe, stubble, crew-cut, snazzy trenchcoat, lit cigar.

This is JACK THUNDERPUNCH.

The men are frozen in fear.

MAN 2

Thunderpunch! We thought you's was gone!

MAN 1

Yeah, we heard you'd left mug world!

JACK takes a long, hard look at the pair - then averts his gaze from Candy's breasts to look at the attackers

(Ha! That was a joke! - Maybe I should put it in the actual script, rather than the stage-directions. Later.)

JACK takes a deep drag on his cigar. He has something in his eye, but is bravely pretending nothing's wrong.

JACK THUNDERPUNCH

Well, you heard wrong. I'm

standin' here, ain't I?

(BEAT)

Hi Candy. You look like shit.

I can't leave you anywhere.

CANDY looks at him with admiration in her eyes.

MAN 1

Aww. Ain't this a happy reunion.

Hate to tell ya, but you two are

together, just in time for your

funerals! (You could have a combined

one if you like - that would save on

the overhead - but it's up to you)

MAN 1 charges at JACK, the knife clasped in his hands, drool flying from his lips and ears.

JACK thoughtfully finished his cigarette, drops it and puts it out, then casually extracts the eyelash that had been irritating his eye.

As MAN 1 is about 10 feet away, JACK flicks the 'lash casually at his oncoming attacker.

The eyelash severs MAN 1's carotid artery completely. In a fountain of blood, vomit and squealing, MAN 1 staggers blindly until falling down a manhole (where he's eaten by mutants or something).

JACK smiles.

JACK THUNDERPUNCH

(To MAN 2) How about you, tough guy?

Plenty more lashes where that came from.

And I don't even wanna tell you about my pubes.

MAN 2 is frozen for an instant. Then runs away, whimpering (he has visibly soiled himself).

JACK shakes his head.

JACK THUNDERPUNCH

Some guys... just can't... y'know...

take a bit of... HAIR... to the... neck

JACK is usually more witty than that, but he's just killed a guy, so give him a break.

CANDY is in tears as she runs over to him. The kiss each other like lubed squids.

CANDY

Oh Jack! I thought you were...

JACK THUNDERPUNCH

Handsome?

CANDY

(SHE GIGGLES) Let's get out of here.

JACK THUNDERPUNCH

Uh-uh, sweet-cakes. I didn't come here

for tail. I came here for answers.

CANDY

But...?

JACK THUNDERPUNCH

That bozo was right. I did leave.

But I had to come back.

CANDY

Why?

JACK takes another cigar out of his hold-all. He lights it. He goes on to administer eye-drops to himself (in slow motion).

JACK THUNDERPUNCH

Why? I'll tell ya why.

(BEAT)

Something is rotten in the

state of Mug World.

He looks profoundly at the sky. A fork of lightning splits the scene like a fish-slice. A mutant pukes up MAN 1's skull out of the sewer.

Business as usual...