Don't bother repenting. The kingdom of Heaven isn't at hand or anything. Pff.

Do you think Jesus was ever sarcastic?

I think I'd lose some respect for him if he was.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who think sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. There are plenty of lower forms (a man falling into dog shit, bad knock-knock jokes, American Dad).

It's just that I'd prefer the Messiah (or prophet or genial motivational speaker) to be reasonably straightforward. His message would be muddied by sarcasm.

"Oh no. What ever am I going to do with these loaves and fishes. It's not like I can multiply them or anything. Sheesh."

"Oh no, that's just fine. Do unto others in a way entirely different to how you want to be treated."

I don't think Jesus would have succeeded in his field if he had the wearying cadence of a Generation-X-er - wondering through the desert in a flannel shirt, rolling his eyes like Daria, listening to Alice in Chains, wearing big boots.

Part of Jesus's charm was his sincerity. If he'd been crucified ironically, Christianity would take a different bent. Sermons would be conducted with vicar's miming "quotation marks" all the time. Communion would have people questioning - if you can believe it - the notion of transubstantiation.

That's why Kurt Cobain would be a shit Messiah. Plus, his version of stigmata would be too messy (no one will wear a pendant depicting a flappy head-hole). You might get epic poems written about the fall of Courtney Love, I suppose.

But overall, I'm pleased that Jesus wasn't sarcastic. His clarity of thought has ensured that there is no doubt or debate surrounding his teachings, and we all live in harmonious certainty.

***

Let's just take a look at this entry, and point out the problems:

1) The central premise revolves around sarcasm - a concept that is almost impossible to convey through the written word (even with judicious use of italics). Why would anyone base their post on an idea that can't be properly explained?

2) It contains references to mid-90s popular culture that most people have forgotten about, and didn't happen long enough ago to merit nostalgia. It makes me seem stuck in the past.

3) None of the ideas are really explored fully, making the whole thing seem unsatisfactory.

4) There's a tacked-on bit of satire on religion at the end, which makes it seem like the whole thing was about making a wry point, instead of just being stupid nonsensical bollocks (which it was).

In the end, I think we can all agree that I've wasted a good deal of time writing this and then analysing it to a wearying degree. And I'm pretty sure that you, like me, admire my moxie and believe me to be some kind of rocket-powered, new-age James Joyce.

Feel free to tip your hat to me. Or cow.