1+1=2

Imagine a world where the steps you've taken matter less than the steps you've forsaken and stop...

No.

It's no good.

Two days ago I started a draft blog post that began like this:

The process by which I intend to find my calling is as follows.

Fail to endure, enjoy, tolerate or deal with almost everything in the universe. Hitch your wagon to whichever star remains.

That's not a good start to a blog post, but don't want to go back to the blank page. I've already jumped into the freezing ocean, there's no point in climbing back out now.

The die is cast. The ship has sailed. The bridge is burned. The writing is on the wall. The jelly has set.

No turning back.

There's a strange dichotomy in being a progressive recluse. 

And it's just been sitting there, so I thought I'd begin afresh with something new. Something strange. But I lost confidence before the end of the first sentence.

I'm struggling here. I have been for a while.

But perhaps there's mileage in those first four words. Perhaps I can produce several bite-sized ideas in quick succession and fill up the page.

***

Imagine a world where children are at war with the elderly. The children would win. They would be cruel, vicious, energetic, ruthless, annoying. The wiser elderly would kill some children in traps (Lego beneath a dangling bomb), but the children would win in the end. 

They'd be happy. They'd grow up happy. They'd know they were winners. They'd know they were stronger.

But they would age. And the stronger would grow weaker. And soon they would find themselves on the other side of the great divide. The war would not have ended. The war would never end.

The new younger generation would be crueller, viciouser, energeticer, ruthlesser, annoyinger. The new elderly would try the same Lego-based traps (though the Lego would be licensed, branded, tied into the latest pop culture craze), but they would no longer work because the new children can hack into bombs now and stop them dangling.

The elderly would die. The young would laugh in triumph. And the cycle would begin again.

Everyone from the ages of eighteen to sixty-nine would just sit there and watch the whole disaster, knowing that they were once evil. And that they could do nothing to stop themselves becoming evil again.

***

Imagine a world where no-one was interested in dinosaurs. We'd know about them, but we just wouldn't care. We'd find bones and shrug. Jurassic Park would never have been written or adapted. Museums would have to rearrange things.

People would still be quite interested in Godzilla. He's not exactly a dinosaur. But people would be less interested in him.

The Flintstones would still be on, but the fictional world would be a bit less rich.

***

Imagine a world where the Heimlich maneuver was a famous battle strategy from a poor later-season episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

The episode would even be called 'The Heimlich Maneuver'. It would be pretty terrible. It would feature Worf or Kira finding out about an ancient gambit that could help an outnumbered ship destroy all its opponents by shimmying back and forth in a little dance. Seriously, it would be total dogshit.

And they'd say that it was because they were rushed for time because of production issues and the writers' strike, but even so... There would be a bit at the end where Odo and Sisko play basketball and a bowl of punch falls on Morn's head. Like, it would sound good, but the execution would be totally off.

A series low.

Imagine a world where despite this seeming like a reference to a specific real-life thing, it actually wasn't. You don't have to imagine.

***

Imagine a world where there was a dynamic, progressive politician called Adrian. Far-fucking-fetched.

***

Imagine a world where the afterlife only lasted for an hour.

You'd have time to realise you were dead, and to say hello to all of your loved ones. You would be pressed for time. It would be a bit of a scrum, to be honest. 

Everyone who has ever died would arrive there at the same time, and there would only be an hour for people to accept their fate and settle their affairs. Some people would probably freak out, so someone has to deal with them. 

I don't know if it would be everyone together, or if there would be sections. 

Imagine an afterlife where there are two sections: one for people with surnames beginning A-M, and one for those with surnames beginning N-Z.

If you wanted to say goodbye to someone whose surname was in the other section, you could arrange it, but it would involve a lot of forms. It probably wouldn't be worth it.

When the hour was nearly up, there would be a countdown, just like New Year's Eve. People would count in their own languages. Some of the dead people would have come from a time before language developed (or surnames, for that matter), so the countdown would confuse them.

Then everything would go blank, and that would be it.

Imagine a world where that, smart guy.

***

It worked. Those four words have given me an entire raft of ideas. And they have hopefully entertained you, dear reader.

I might eat a cereal bar now.