Rind

Bus metaphors are like buses: you wait for ages, and then everyone in the world does the same one at once and there's graffiti on the seats.

Southampton are fourth in the Premier League! I thought I'd better squeeze that celebration in before it ceases to be true. Liverpool are playing Sunderland at the moment. If they win, we'll crash all the way down to fifth, like a common Pete Best.

But for now, the sun is shining. And I'm making a shitload of hay.

Come on, Sunderland!

I had a bacon sandwich for lunch. I don't eat bacon very often. When I have it, I'm reminded of my childhood, shilling for Danepak.

Ooh. Disallowed goal for Škrtel. The linesman flagged him for having too few vowels in his name.

Have I written about bacon before? I wouldn't like to go off on a pork tangent and find that I'm retracing my own greasy footsteps.

I wrote something about bringing home the bacon. I swore a lot more in 2008

There's also this old tweet (all old tweets are blue and bold and italicised):

I just googled "The Full English Patient", expecting to find a Ralph Fiennes made of sausage, beans and egg, with a bacon Binoche. NOTHING.

Pretty good. Not great. But OK.

And this one, which is just a bit weird:

There's nothing more comforting than a bacon sandwich stroking your hair and going "Shhhh. I'm here, I'm here".

I also did a bit of stand-up about formed bacon.

But that's not much. Eight hundred and twenty blog posts and only a few bacon references.

I think it goes to show how little importance bacon has in my life.

I've heard people say that bacon is always the thing the vegetarians miss the most. But I could easily do without bacon. For me, venison is the major meat-magnet. No matter how nice Quorn can be, it's doesn't have the deliciousness of deer.

I could go for some deer right now...

***

INTERLUDE

New character idea: Major Meat-Magnet

Initial Notes:

He's in the army. Double-barrelled surname, so posh?

Just a name, or can he attract meat? Strategic benefit?

Dead humans = meat? If so, meat attraction detrimental on battlefield: buried in corpses.

Costume design crucial factor in character's success.

Further work needed.

INTERLUDE ENDS

***

I don't really eat venison. I do like sausages though. Have I written about sausages more often than I have bacon?

Sunderland free kick in dangerous area.

Sausage history is written by the Wieners.

Ooh! Hits the crossbar! 

The wiener joke isn't great. And you're supposed to capitalise 'wieners'? I'll trust that my past self did the proper research.

I've wasted thousands of pounds on sausages and parasols.

At first I thought this was just a weird profound joke, but it relates to some kind of hilarious bit of barbecue business.

Oh man, Liverpool have scored. I didn't see the goal. I was too busy italicising and emboldening tweets.

Debate it all you want: they're called COCKTAIL sausages. So you just sit there, smug as you like, whilst I enjoy my Brown Russian.

Funny.

I think that's it. There were a few other things, but they were meaningless. I don't want to waste your time with meaningless information. Focus on what's important: old meat-related blog content and insignificant football results.

Sigh.

Two-nil Liverpool. Suarez. Fifth it is.

I should probably go. Not physically - I'll stay on the sofa - but I should end this blog post.

This is mainly just to bring September's blog post total up to six. Six seems to be the usual amount these days. It used to be sixteen or seventeen when I was younger. But it's 2013. Insight is scarce.

Six posts is fine. I won't abide five.

Throw-in.

I'm off to raid the fridge for hooves.