Give and Double-Take

Come rain or shine, you can always depend on the steady flow of wit. It nourishes flowers, and makes birds go "cheep". It is a currency and a current (see?). It is the father of all and the mother of each. Wit is like energy: you can't destroy it, you can only convert it into another form.

This blog post is part of the wit conversion process. Hopefully none of it will be lost in friction or anything like that.

It's been one month since my last tweet compendium. I've been through a lot in that time. My tweeting brain may have visited countless hilarious counties. But it also may not have. This is your chance to find out. Think of this as a super-fast tour through my mindscape. But buckle up, because I'm going to buck and throw you off like a rodeo couch.

(I've annoyed myself with this introduction. Don't worry - my tweets are more concise by design. They demonstrate a me who has been reigned in, rained on and reindeer. Things will get better in the blue.)

That's right! It's time for another edition of:

Muddy Funny Puddles

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I've decided to change things up by adding a superfluous "up" to this sentence.

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It's bad luck to walk under rungs & co.

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Hitting someone in the head with a frying pan isn't as fun in space.

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My French friend is addicted to prescription breadkillers. :-(

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Our building's new carpet has given everyone superpowers or some shit.

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MAN TRAPPED IN DECADE-LONG SARCASTIC "EXCUSE ME"

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All diving is skydiving. The sky doesn't end until it hits the ground. Not so "extreme" now, are we Mr Daredevil?

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POEM: Chlamydia // made Lydia // giddier

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When God was handing out hands, he got a bit confused for a second.

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There has never been a chef

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My name has always been short for my age.

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If you're struggling to remember how successful Richard of York's battling was, just look at a rainbow.

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Someone who liked to write "Wow. Seriously?" on internet message boards died today. Everyone on Earth is a suspect.

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"That's good!" and "That's no good!" are my two main conversational weapons.

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I just wandered off in the middle of my own internal monologue. He'll be going for hours.

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I am a meal often eaten on a blanket. What 'p' am I? (Hint: "icnic")

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I'll tell you one thing about the Danes - they sure know how to

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A Disaster Waiting To Happen checks its watch, and leafs through an old copy of Heat. "I'm gonna get lost in the shuffle," it mutters.

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The main character in my novel is more of an amateurtagonist.

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The upside is she's eligible to feature in stories about the Olympics.

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I've started telling my own ideas to shut up.

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Eugh! I just spilled a load of tap-juice on my hands.

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I just woke up on the wrong time of the bed.

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"The past is a foreign country: the DVD region code is different there."

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If I was a judge, every time someone said "No, Your Honour", I'd say "No - YOU'RE Honour!" and then high-five a witness.

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Really looking forward to Michael Haneke's next project: 'Funny Games Workshop'.

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The on my keyboard is broken.

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If only we could harness the kinetic energy of double-takes. The technology would be so surprising that it would be self-sustaining.

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And I'm sure there's a spit-take-based drought solution out there somewhere, for someone brave enough to dream.

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Clock hands don't resemble hands at all. Unless we're talking about the T-1000, and I'm pretty sure he'd prefer a digital watch.

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I shouldn't have eaten all that bed before going to cheese.

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My forearms are hilarious!!

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Today's lunchtime task: Projectile Anatomical Disassembly. Eat your heart out, laugh your head off, then cry your eyes out. Pictures please.

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If you don't feel like laughing your head off, feel free to SWEAR your head off. But make sure you wash your mouth out afterwards.

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Damn. I just lost my train of existential thought. Now... why was I...?

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I should get A-W-K-W tattooed on the knuckles of my right hand, and A-R-D tattooed on my cock.

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I expect you're all wondering why I called you here. One of you has probably killed someone or something.

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In Starbucks, I insist on saying 'large' rather than 'venti' with the conviction of a self-immolating monk.

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Throw me up and lock away the key.

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The family that prays together is just going through a phase together.

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You KNOW what I MEAN (if you know what I mean).

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Something about Snoop Dogg and a chisel...

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I regret 95% of my ellipses.

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If you're trying to find me today, just look for The Happiest Man in the World! (I'll be the one standing over his body, holding a machete)

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Before we had opposable thumbs, there was no such thing as a "punch". Except for the drink, which was clumsily made.

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I'm beaming from ear to ear, but round the back of my head rather than across the face.

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Gah! Bream for dinner AGAIN. I'm going to buy Mr Sandman a hearing aid...

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I have a short tmpr.

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I can't tell you how excited I am!!! (There are no excitement units small enough to do so - even the nanosmile is too vast)

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I am galloping towards the weekend, with unfettered belligerence as my steed.

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"The telephone has yet to be invented" is the new "Hello, Paul speaking."

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BUSINESS IDEA: forks

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With every new grey beard hair, I get one step closer to buying a banjo.

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It's terrible to think that there are countless parallel dimensions where Nicolas Cage doesn't exist.

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"Winnie the Pooh? LOSEY the Pooh, more like!" - Piglet's twatty uncle.

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If you've won more than one pub quiz in your life, your prize is universal contempt.

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The best way to escape a tunnel is by building a prison under it. I've thought this through.

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The human mind is incapable of visualising a limping snake. Well, mine is.

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Never trust a middle initial.

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"Oh yeah, I know that place! I used to work on the door." "You were a bouncer?" "No: a hinge." (Screenplay's coming along nicely)

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I gave up leaning for Lent. Then I leant.

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I'm starting to regret getting my dossier of regrets repeatedly laminated.

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POEM: Marty threw a party // Sinéad threw a grenade // Kitt threw a fit // and Alice threw the looking glass

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I'm wasting the afternoon and the afternoon is wasting me. We're having a race.

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I'm going to drink some of the water now. Don't worry - there will be plenty left for you.

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I couldn't be any more equivocal.

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Medusa hates the metric system. The threat of being turned to 6.35kg just isn't as terrifying.

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If everyone in the Northern Hemisphere jumped into the air simultaneously, it would be a good time to shampoo that carpet.

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It's embarrassing when you're drinking and water goes down the wrong pipe. Ditto tobacco. Ditto Mario.

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I'm going to have a shower that will change the whole complexion of human hygiene.

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EVERY TIME I see 'Four Rooms' is on Channel 4, I think it's the Tarantino/Rodriguez film and get all ambivalent for no reason.

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Spoonerisms have shumped the jark.

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I've been working on this tweet for hour and a half.

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It took ages to get served at the mineral water convention. Fizzy was busy, and the still stand was at a standstill.

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This children's party invitation reply slip includes "I'll be dead by then" as one of the response options. Why have I even been sent this?

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I wonder if anyone's ever been notified about the death of a loved one via a novelty burger-phone.

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Blander, blender, blinder, blonder, blunder. Yep - that's the full set.

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You can't really be licked back to life by cats. Pfeiffer was just acting.

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Sometimes I listen to a song that's so beautiful I have to text Michael Stipe. He's getting pretty sick of it.

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It's decided then. The most unpleasant word in the English language is "glut".

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Film Pitch: BAYEUX FOR BLOOD - renowned historian Rich Tapestry finds a secret code exposing the descendants of an embroidered horse.

[Paul/Editor's Note: This was cruelly under-appreciated. I mean, 'Bayeux for Blood' isn't great. But 'Rich Tapestry? 'Embroidered horse'? Some people need to up their tweet-reading game.]

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Documentary Pitch: NEVER SAY 'NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN' AGAIN - A group of Bond fans campaign to have the film renamed 'Thunderball Redux'.

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Quiz Show Pitch: ROUX THE DAY - Contestants must prepare a thick kangaroo stew using a solar-powered hob. Hosted by La Roux.

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I just noticed my shoelace was undone, and punched the air with excitement at having something to do.

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I get the bus every now and then, but this morning is the first time I've ever "got" the bus.

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Things I don't care about: )8) LIST etiquette, f -

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I'm raring to go and commoning to stop.

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I wish my nickname was 'The Road', because then I could say "Don't cross The Road!" and also Cormac McCarthy might write me a letter.

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If you have the hiccups, someone will always pipe up with a sure-fire cure. No. No. If it was that reliable, word would have spread by now.

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Anyone who complains about the newfangled spelling of "hiccup" should shut the fuccough.

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"Just put it out there... No! Not too much! You don't want them to think you're desperate. Play it cool..." - Me, signalling for a bus.

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I can't tell you how many cyclists I've decapitated. But bus drivers will always stop for a scythe.

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In supermarkets all over the country, there are countless human statues who misunderstood the instruction "freeze on day of purchase".

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Damn. It's raining and I left my washing out. Should try to be more inclusive.

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A filthy inch of Tuesday's coffee has been patiently waiting for my return like Penelope.

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I'll leave it there as a reminder of past mistakes. And current mistakes.

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I have an afternoon of meetings. Wondering if it's too late to get "Suicidal Fantasies" onto the agenda...

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MOVIE FACT: There are no good films with the word 'Inception' in the title.

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I don't remember everything that happened in the episode of Frasier I dreamt last night, but I'm pretty sure I could be arrested for it.

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I think all national borders should be removed and all countries broken up. I'm a dissipatriot.

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Humanity should instead be divided by relative bread density.

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My friend was arrested for being an unsafe-cracker. (Someone choked on the paper hat)

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I just had the strangest failing...

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How about we all give up wine and guitars for a few decades? Just to make them seem fresh when they're back.

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"Talk about an 'ARROWING experience!!" - another groaner at Saint Sebastian's roast.

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Most of the time, when someone says "it's all good", it's only about 95% good.

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"One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said 'ooo, I like your size!'" *sniff* Nate Dogg loved panto season... #rip 

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"I'm afraid of my washing machine!" - Someone who looks like me and is typing this.

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You can tell how far away a storm is by counting the seconds between lightning and the first tweet about it.

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It's difficult to hold your breath and your horses in the same hand.

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If I could type this tweet all over again, I wouldn't hcange a thing.

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At lunch, I'm going to rub pepper in my eyes so that people will stop asking me how my weekend was.

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I always recoil at the sight of a straightened snake.

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People who work with spreadsheets all day have an unspoken battle-forged bond, much like veterans and abused septuplets.

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People underestimate the heat of the moment. You can use it to toast a teacake.

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Wwwwwoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdddddddddddddddd. (Spread the word)

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There we go. There were also a few tweets about Gary Neville's commentary noise for the Torres goal on Tuesday, but that probably deserves its own post.

I hope you all attend an auction where you find that plastic model bridge you've all been looking for.

Cheerio.