A Little Bird

I'm experimenting with new blog-writing techniques.

Having seen how sports pundits are so eloquent and incisive whilst wearing ear-pieces, I'm going to do the same. That way, the people in the studio can keep me on track, and feed me little fact nuggets with which I can pepper my writing. They can also warn me if I've said anything that might be considered racist.

[This is the first time since 1997 that anyone has used purple italics to indicate ear-piece audio]

For example, did you know that this is the first time since, I believe, 1997, that anyone has used purple italics to indicate ear-piece audio? That's a fact.

[Plug your book]

Whilst I'm talking about facts, you might be interested in my new book. It doesn't exist yet, but is bound to be full of interesting little titbits.

[Apologise for using the term "titbits"]

Morsels, I mean. Not ti... not the thing I said before. I apologise if I've caused any offence.

[Well done]

I suppose I could have said breastbits...

[Move on]

It's Easter. I haven't really got any topical material about Easter. I haven't bought any eggs or resurrection myths.

[Apologise to religious people. And chickens.]

Sorry about that. I was misquoted by my own diction.

[You should wash your ears]

I should wash my ears.

[No... you shouldn't say that. We just wanted you to know. It's disgusting in here.]

Wait, are you saying that you're actually in my ear? I thought you were just an audio receiver, feeding sound from a booth somewhere.

[Oh yeah. You're right. Sorry about the ear thing.]

That's OK.

[Lo*ssskkkrrracklssssssss*aven.]

I'm sorry? I didn't catch that.

[I said "Lo*ssskkkrrracklssssssss*aven".]

There's some kind of interference. Hey, I wonder if intraference is a word... I'm going to look it up.

[No, don't bother. We'll do that. You get on with the blog post.]

OK, thanks.

It's a bit grey and miserable out there today. It's the first day of a four-day weekend, which should be a cause for celebration, but the weather isn't playing ball. It's definitely a relief to have some time off. I feel like it's been a long time since our last break, but that's probably not

[Yeah, it seems like there is.]

What?

[Intraference. There's some stuff. Looks technical. I didn't really click on the links. There's some kind of geometrical image video thing, but I dunno...]

Oh. Well. Thanks.

Anyway, as I was saying...

[Have you got anything to drink? Or eat? We've been in here for ages.]

I left crisps in there for you. And some Evian.

[Yeah, I'm allergic to crisps. And Nick has some ethical qualms about Evian.]

Well, that's all there is.

[Can't you go to the shop?]

I'm a bit busy. Doing a blog post. Why doesn't one of you go? There are fifteen of you, after all.

[We're all watching videos on Youtube. There's this hilarious one where a cat is doing something.]

I think I've seen that one.

[Ahhhhhh!]

What?

[Nothing. Can we order Chinese?]

Do what you want! I'm trying to focus.

[Sorry. Sorry.]

The best thing about having four days off, or a "double-weekend" as some call it, is that there's less pressure to make the most of every second. That's not to say I do make the most of every second. I don't think I've ever made the most of any second. But I feel like I should.

This long break gives me slightly more time, and slightly less guilt.

[Hi. Can we place an order for delivery, please?]

What?

[Oh, sorry. Is this still you?]

What do you mean "still me"?

[Can you get off the line? We want to order some duck etcetera.]

No, I can't get off the line! You control the line! For me to get off the line, I'd have to rip my ear off!

[And... you'd... rather not do that...?]

Correct.

[That's fair. And you don't have any duck?]

I'm *this close* to disconnecting you.

[Please don't. We don't have anywhere else to go. Except clubbing. But that's not until later.]

I really don't think you've improved my blog-writing.

[AAAAAAAAAAhah! Stupid cat!]

Right that's it. I'm taking you out.

...

Phew! That's much better. Silence is golden. I think there's such a thing as too much support. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Too many chiefs and not enough Indians.

[That's racist]

WHO ARE YOU?!

[I'm not sure. But you really need to wash wherever this is.]

***

I'm no longer experimenting with new blog-writing techniques.