Lowering the Bar of Satire

British Waterways regulations forbid the consumption of broad beans on a narrowboat. It makes sense. It does make sense.

And the blog post has begun.

Cards on the table: Clintons has banned shelves.

It has continued.

Clintons doesn't seem to have an apostrophe. The logo doesn't, anyway. Their website is http://www.clintoncards.co.uk/

In the About Us section, the company refers to itself as 'Clintons', 'Clinton Cards' and 'Clinton's'. It's as if they DON'T WANT me to do a rubbish joke about them.

They're on Twitter, too: @ClintonCards.

I imagine the more streamlined "@Clintons" belongs to Chelsea and her clones.

Ah, yes. This looks like her.

@ClintonCards seems to be reasonably well-run, and is engaging with its customers to a sensible extent. But because I'm short on material, I'm going to be sarcastic about it, as though it's the stupidest thing on the internet.

I don't like to hide my intentions. I put it all up front, like a family whose car has a poisoned back seat.

I didn't know mums had their own version of World of Warcraft. Ahahaha! That's a joke! About hashtags and a video game! And I was sarcastic. I'm KING OF THE INTERNET!

Bollocks. This has been proven to be false.

Your mum is a sexist gold-digger.

Really? That was the best bit of advice your mum has given you? What if you play for Real Madrid? What if you're a ghost? Your mum hasn't thought this through.

And your name is Erica WHITEMAN.

If you don't wear white, people will get confused. You don't seem to be a man either, which adds to the confusion.

Here's a bit of advice: NEVER LISTEN TO MRS WHITEMAN AFTER LABOR DAY (1950).

And yet they often neglect advice on how to use apostrophes...

Mummy's should be ashamed of themselves. Those cuddles would have to be pretty special to make up for Hanna's ignorance.

I might start my own hashtag: #mummysWOW. People could share advice given to them by mummies. For example:

When emerging from a sarcophagus, groan and extend both arms.

Don't wrap your bandages too tight, or you'll increase the risk of deep vein thrombosis

Keep your terror current by referring to yourself as a "Proto-Zombie"

Destroy Abbott and Costello

That was fun. Fun for everybody.

Those screengrabs are a bit blurry. It lessens the incisiveness of my attack. It's about time that these people making reasonable comments about parental advice were taken down a peg or... maybe 0.8 pegs.

I'll be back later to analyse the Twitter account of... let's say... Superdrug.