Buoyant

You can't see this, but I'm sitting in a chair right now.

***

You must be wondering why I haven't put together a tweet compilation for so long. You must be wondering it. I can't imagine that you're not.

There are only three things that are guaranteed: death, taxes, and the fact that you've been wondering why I haven't put together a tweet compilation for so long.

Marvin Gaye would have you believe that the third thing is "trouble". He is wrong. It's the tweet compilation thing. (Though, to be fair, neither blogs nor tweets nor compilations existed when he was alive.)

The reason for the compilation hiatus is that my tweeting has been less prolific lately. No-one wants to read a compilation of only six or seven tweets. They want this to take up their entire afternoon. They do. You do.

I've forgotten who I'm talking to.

Oh, that's right: NO-ONE.

Anyway, I think enough time has past. There is a backlog, which statistically should contain three ounces of genius.

So let's all strip down to our underwear, and enjoy the latest edition of:

Tweets From The Larder

***

If I could have any superpower, it would probably be invisible organs. Everything else has pretty much been done.

***

I hate it when people use the word "literally" when what they really mean is "a gibbous moon". That's way off.

***

I had lentils for lunch. Tried to liven things up by pronouncing it "lenitals", but it was only partially successful.

***

It's funny that everyone stopped popping in 2003 but Pringles just refused to acknowledge it.

***

I've been named and I've been shamed, but never simultaneously.

***

I don't like warmongers, but at least they're cosier than coldongers.

***

In 20 years, people will look back on this as the Golden Age of Everything. So we'd all better cheer up to make future generations feel bad.

***

"It's a wonderful time to be alive!" - Depressed Zombie

***

I failed my hearse driving test. I was fine with the three point urn, but really messed up reversing around a coroner.

***

The good thing about that last tweet is I no longer have to worry about maintaining my dignity.

***

I saw a photo of myself as a baby once. I looked ridiculous.

***

Quench, quell, quash; I don't think we need all three.

***

Same with wench, well and wash. They're all basically the same word.

***

Having a lawn is a bit like having a child: you hate it, but you don't want people walking on it.

***

Whenever I'm talking to a woman on the phone, I get out my lipstick and absent-mindedly doodle a caricature of Janis Joplin.

***

I just had the second strangest feeling.

***

I struggle to keep both my composure and bees.

***

At the beginning of every week, I promise myself that I won't.

***

I watched The Happening over the weekend, and now I'm terrified of my own judgement.

***

P. T. Barnum was the best Barnum bar none.

***

Some people call me the space cowboy. When prompted.

***

I wanted to know how to tinkle the ovaries, so I took Fallopiano lessons.

***

I spent more time composing that terrible tweet than I did writing my dissertation.

***

Why do supermarkets only have baskets that are full of other stacked baskets? Much too heavy. (Though less unwieldy than the trolley train)

***

I just shut the door in someone's face. You know, that weird lipped door? Some people call it a "mouth"?

***

The Emo Mafia: putting the 'angst' back in 'gangster'.

***

I'm so manly that when I'm cold I get ganderbumps.

***

I'm on edge today, and will continue to be so until my sequined "Mr Anxious" robe is back from the cleaners.

***

My favourite thing about work phonecalls is they give me a chance to rephrase "I don't know" several dozen times in a two minute period.

***

My German teacher used to have glossolalic epiphanies where she'd speak in achtungs.

***

From as young as three, you can tell whether a child is going to grow up or down.

***

Retreat is sweet. Bravery is savoury.

***

Last night, I dreamt about ordering pizza for Daniel Radcliffe. When I woke up, there was a slice of awkward pepperoni on my pillow.

***

I'm going to try to pace myself today. My previous attempts at facing myself and macing myself proved impossible and painful, respectively.

***

Robert Wadlow's rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" lacked plausibility.

***

This tweet matters.

***

Nudge a mime in the ribs, and conspiratorially whisper in their ear: 'let me do the talking'.

***

If you ever need to spell something with the contents of your pockets, a key makes an excellent F.

***

Every time I read my own name, I get so excited that I have to put down my birth certificate.

***

Six out of ten people remember things differently.

***

Big prize for anyone who notices the typo in this tweet.

***

SOLUTION TO MY LAST TWEET: The typo was the erroneous 'z'. It should have read: "Big pride for anyone who notices the typo in this tweet."

***

There's nothing more satisfying than pressing a hot coin into your spine.

***

I just found a concealed pocket in an old jacket. Inside was a note, which said: "I'll be dead by now. THANKS A BUNCH."

***

There's nothing more appetising than children being further away.

***

RESULT! Your original sulting didn't take.

***

I am able to employ a wide variety of pencil metaphors.

***

A meathead is a stupid person. An egghead is a clever person. A Scotch-egghead is a person of average intelligence. Covered in breadcrumbs.

***

2001. Limp Bizkit desert plane crash. The frontman - dirty, thirsty, thirty, Dursty - screamed. But we'd all been conditioned to ignore him.

***

I spent more time on that last tweet than I did searching for my lost nephew. (He was in the pond)

***

I haven't been yourself lately.

***

Swap twice quickly and nobody will notice.

***

Never take taps for granted. Even the cold one. They do an important job.

***

I'm conducting a survey. Has anyone seen my baton?

***

I accidentally castigated myself yesterday.

***

Bolshevik comedy clubs consist of hurling autocrats into a bottomless pit. Tsar chasm is the lowest form of humour.

***

I'd take a cyanide capsule if I was ever captured or offered one at a party.

***

I'd describe my eyebrows as "traditional".

***

Never trust anyone who drinks warm milk. Even so-called "children". SHIFTY. Mark my words.

***

I've started to incentivise my tweeting. Every time I finish one, I pull a burning needle out of my thigh.

***

Jeez... again?! We get it, Ray. RT @raydavies #ff @fashion

[Paul/Editor's Note: This probably takes too much explaining for non-Twitter users and non-Kinks fans. But I'm putting it here anyway because I love myself.]

***

The most difficult thing to do whilst on a roller coaster is build another roller coaster.

***

I'm beginning to look (my age)³.

***

"The [BLANK] that time forgot" is the phrase that [BLANK] forgot.

***

Jock Smith (the locksmith) and Jack Smith (the blacksmith) padlocked the paddock after the horse had bolted.

***

I only ever evade something if I can't avoid it.

***

I look stupid this year.

***

"Why must you always postpone our meetings?" - an alligator.

***

Looking forward to Michael Bay's 'Problem Child' reboot, where the child isn't really that much of a problem.

***

I've just been reprimanded by @Twitter for being "too incisive".

***

Why are people focussing on the hypocrisy of the pot calling the kettle black? THE POT CAN TALK. This is HUGE.

***

I'm off to buy my own bodyweight in clones.

***

"Not Particularly" is my middle name.

***

Hoo-hah!

Woo-hoo-hah!

Yoo.

Hah.

Good on ya.

...

I'm struggling to write this conclusion.

I have my fingers crossed for you. You like that, right?

Right.

Next time: ANOTHER BELTER.