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I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you in here.

Someone has died, and the killer is in this room.

I intend to flush out the perpetrator and expose his or her villainy. Justice will prevail.

It was Nicola.

Don't look at me like that, Nicola. You know it was you.

Case closed.

I hope you've all kept hold of your return tickets.

Take a goody bag and get out of my sight.

***

It's annoying when you lose the end of the sellotape. You were given custody of it and now it is gone. The judge granted you full access in good faith. He is probably full of regret right now.

I don't care if you have the roll. The roll is useless without an end. The end is the door and the lock and the key.

If you trap your only daughter in an air-tight concrete casket, I'm not going to give you credit for keeping an eye on the casket itself. Without a way in, it's useless. She's dead, and your reputation is in tatters.

Responsibility is important. You can't play fast and loose with something like that.

And now? I need to stick something to some other something, and I can't access the tape. If you had played closer attention to the end, we'd all be sharing a beer and a laugh right now. But you lost the end. So all we're sharing is a feeling of disappointment in the one of us that isn't me.

I don't want to make a big thing about it.

It's just annoying, that's all.

Your daughter is fine.

***

My head's all over the place today. I'm not feeling very well ("Well, that's all very well..."), and I can't commit to any activity. That's why I'm writing this. Creating sentences is a noble enterprise, even if they're this one. I want my day to be as productive as possible. I don't care what I produce, as long as it's something.

I've been thinking about going through my old blog posts and properly labelling them. At the moment, I only label my "tweet" posts, but it might be useful if people could look for specific topics.

I might even introduce some kind of Retroscissors feature where I can highlight past entries.

I'm sure there are one or two hidden gems from three years ago which no-one ever read. The trouble is, I'll have to wade through all of the hidden non-gems to get there.

Of course, doing this would be the most self-indulgent thing ever done by a human.

More self-indulgent than someone commissioning a sculpture of themselves commissioning a sculpture of themselves.

More self-indulgent than the Queen using a bank note to pay for a stamp.

More self-indulgent than Cameron Crowe.

I might do it anyway. There's nothing wrong with being self-indulgent. I don't just indulge myself, after all. I'm just quite indulgent. I'll indulge all manner of things.

I should give some examples of my indulgences, but I've written the word 'indulgent' so many times that I've forgotten what it means.

Is is short for 'indul gentleman'?

Is it some kind of slur?

Language is running away from me, and I can't catch it without tripping over my tongue.

***

There's nothing more dehumanising than running out of ketchup.

***

Keep your distance close, and your proximity closer.

***

Two little vignettes there. They could have gone on Twitter, but you get them instead. This blog was here long before Twitter. You guy(s?) get preferential treatment. In fact, when I'm unveiling something spectacular, you'll get priority tickets.

I haven't got any plans to unveil anything at the moment. Perhaps a murderer hiding as a bride. Nicola, for example. She's exactly the kind of person who would do a thing like that.

A thing like bride-hiding.


***

I keep coming back to this post, like a fiercely loyal prince beating a dead horse with his sceptre. I should end it somewhere.

Or maybe I could just keep updating it for my entire life. It can be thousands of pages long. People will have a real insight into my existence, provided I remember to hit the 'Publish' button on my deathbed.

I probably won't remember.

I should end it now. Life is like steak: more easily digested in small chunks and smothered in creamy peppercorn sauce.

***

I wrote all of the above yesterday, but forgot to hit 'Publish'. I wasn't even dying.

Oh well, at least I've had a day to generate some new thoughts.

...

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Wednesday has a 'd' in it.