And Out

I've started exhaling funny.

Let me rephrase that. Repeatedly. Until every last drop of ambiguity is drained from an already bitter lemon.

I haven't started exhaling funny. I've been doing that for years. I eat, drink and breathe funny. Everyone knows that. It's on my business card. I was just using charmingly incorrect grammar. What I meant to say was:

I've started exhaling funnily.

There's no comma there. I haven't started exhaling, funnily. If I had only just started exhaling, it would be no laughing matter.

I've started exhaling funnily, funnily enough.

I don't know if this is something that happens to everyone as they get older, but over the past couple of months I've noticed that I've started doing strange, pointless little exhalations. They serve no purpose.

There are a few acceptable forms of exhalation:

• the normal, everyday breathing out (to expel carbon dioxide and other useless gasses)
• the exhalation after some kind of exertion - perhaps one that requires the holding of breath
• the sigh (emotionally generated; an expression of relief)
• a percussive release of air, to fill a silence, convey thought, or just mediate loneliness (this one is a bit like drumming your fingers on a desk, or cracking your knuckles)

But my exhalations don't fit into any of these categories.

They're certainly not normal, they aren't a response to physical or emotional stimuli, and they're not an absent-minded tick. I'm not filling a silence. Sometimes I'm in the middle of a conversation. I don't think there's any need to release that air, and it doesn't seem to be premeditated.

It's difficult to describe a breath in text, but it's something like: "PFFUSHHH".

The only thing I can think is that I'm steam-powered. But I'd be aware of that, wouldn't I? I'd be able to feel the cogs and pistons beneath my skin. There don't seem to be any. I've checked.

It could be evil spirits, I suppose. They need some time away from their host every now and then. Just to get some perspective on the world, and remind them why they're evil in the first place.

It doesn't bother me. Exhaling is, if not the least of my problems, certainly not the most. (I imagine that sentence is grammatically incorrect. Just like my placement of this bracket(.

It's just strange to have acquired a new... foible? Is it a foible? Or a quirk, perhaps?

Just something new. I thought I was set in my ways. Deeply set. Like a concrete mousse. I thought I'd settled on all my physical defects and twitches. It's refreshing, in a way. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but a new dog might spontaneously develop a strange new habit, like savaging canoes.

My funny exhalations can become a boon. I can inflate things.

***

I've started inhaling funny.

Let me rephrase that.

Go on.

Please.

Just once. I promise.

No.

No, it won't be like last time.

I'll just rephrase it once, and then I'll be finished. It won't take long. No skin off your nose, right? Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean anything by that. It looks totally healed now anyway. Did you use some kind of ointment? Sorry. Yes, you're right, it's none of my business. Anyway, about this rephrasing...

Really? Great! Seriously, I appreciate it.

You won't regret this. I'll just rephrase it once, and then - BAM - I'm outta here! Ha ha!

I will get on with it. I was just, y'know, saying thanks, that's all.

OK. Here it is. Time for a rephrasing. This is going to knock your socks off, I guarantee it.

I've... you know, the funny thing is, I don't even know how I'm going to rephrase it! I didn't even think about it. I'm not even that sure why I was so insistent!

What? No, I...

I wouldn't say I've wasted your time. That's harsh. I think that's harsh. I'm still... let me finish - I'm still going to rephrase it, and for all you know, it might be really good. It might have been well worth it.

I've rephrased things before, and had some really positive feedback.

No.

No, I don't think I should have been more prepared. I mean, yes, that's one way to handle it. But I revel in spontaneity. Some of my best rephrasing work has come totally out of left-field.

There are people who like to plan their rephrasings, and I'm not having a go at them. They might prefer to have something ready before making any promises.

But for me - let me finish - but for me, having that self-imposed pressure is what spurs me on to create something special. There's no right or wrong in the creative process. Everyone works in their own way. I remember when I was in a rephrasal improv group in the late 90s - Rephaserhead, we were called - I...

Hang on! No, don't go! I'll just do it now. Bish, bash, bosh. Here we go. I'm going to rephrase it right now.

...

Should I repeat the original phrase? Because it was quite a while ago, and... OK, great. What I said was:

I've started inhaling funny.

Now.

Let me rephrase that:

I've started... inhaling...

fanny?


[DOOR SLAMS]

...

I deserved that.