Sandbags

RAT: I'm stuck in a rut.

PIGEON: Uh... coo?

RAT: Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.

PIGEON: Seriously though, mate. You're doing fine. The world's your sewer.

RAT: Thanks. You're right, you're right. I'm not even worried about it really, it's just... I don't know. You get to a certain age, and you think... maybe I'm not going to make it as an actor.

PIGEON: Oh, come on. That's rubbish. That's absolute rubbish. Think of all the actors who didn't make it until they were older. Where was Robert Pattinson ten years ago?

RAT: *snort* I'm not exactly Robert Pattinson, am I?

PIGEON: What do you mean? You could be where he is! It's all just chance and... you know... whatever. Geography.

RAT: I sent my head shots to another agency yesterday.

PIGEON: You see! What if they say yes?

RAT: They're not going to say yes. It'll just be another "Sorry. You're not what we're looking for right now."

PIGEON: What about your stage work?

RAT: Dried up. I'm tired of that, anyway. I'm tired of being typecast.

PIGEON: As a rat?

RAT: Exactly. It's always the same stupid rat role. It's patronising. I'm always the 'token rat'. I want to show something more. I want to stretch my wings.

PIGEON: You can stretch my wings if you want.

RAT puts his hand on PIGEON's knee. (Do pigeons have knees?)

RAT: I appreciate you, you know? Don't ever think that I take you for granted.

PIGEON: Coo.

RAT: *smiles* Yeah. Coo you too.

Has anyone got any contacts at Pixar?

***

Things have slowed down lately.

I need a shot in the arm.

I need a shot in the arm like I need a hole in the head: BADLY.

I could really do with some industry interest.

I'm not sure what industry.

Perhaps some kind of industry that deals with people who whine one sentence at a time.

Still, you never know.

You never know.

You knever no.

That's why you wouldn't be my "phone a friend".

Unless the question was about IGNORANCE.

And even then, you wouldn't answer the phone.

You wouldn't know what it was.

You'd check the tumble drier.

***

This next section will be in longer paragraphs, as I want to demonstrate my versatility to Paul and sundry. The approach will pay off when someone from the industry reads this and sees that I've mastered dialogue, chippy uselessness and extended chippy uselessness. Once I've signed my contract, I'll reveal to them that my branching out was just a sham. And just a shame.

Let's include something useful here. I don't want to be wasting your time. Not all of it.

This is funny.

I haven't posted a video from The Armando Iannucci Shows for a long time. Here is one:

The Armando Iannucci Shows would be in my top four favourite comedies of all time.

I don't know what the other three are.

***

It's too late to add anything worthwhile to this post.

I have a long story about poisoned gas in the bathroom, but I don't want to go into it now.

The story, I mean.

Or the bathroom.