Good Circulation

I might found my own magazine. Print isn't dead, it's just sleeping. We just need a publication with enough electricity to wake it from its slumber.

My magazine will do just that.

It's not a fanzine.

I'm not a fan of anything, and I don't want to appeal to fans. As far as fans are concerned, I'm not a big fan. People who show an interest in anything make me suspicious. That's why I've cultivated such a small number of readers. And I've made sure that they're all generally indifferent to everything I do. Fandom is not a place I feel comfortable.

It will be a magazine. A proper magazine.

It won't be an online magazine or "web site". Anyone can have one of those. I need to reach the people that really matter. People who like paper and ink. People with lots of storage space in their magazine room.

Another thing it won't be is one of those industry magazines. You know the ones - they have them at the end of Have I Got News For You. It's always some sort of terrible pun, like Here's Looking at Glue (the glue industry), Beer's Looking at You (the beer industry), or Here's Looking at Neve Campbell (opticians).

I don't want to reach a small, but passionate fanbase. I want a small, but dispassionate fanbase. I want a demographic so precise and aloof that anyone who even learns that the magazine exists will immediately kill themselves.

I need to consider a few things:

1) Content

What will the magazine be about? I don't know. It could be a lifestyle magazine. They seem to have the widest remit. Because everything is "lifestyle", isn't it? "Lifestyle" is just existence. The only restrictions we'd have would be: a) no articles on what it's like to be dead, and b) limited zombie coverage.

I can't get too specific, because that would attract people interested in that specific thing. I need to be as vague as possible. I want to include material that is so poorly-defined that people aren't even sure that they're reading anything. It will just be a magazine-shaped mist in front of their face. Mist with a barcode.

2) Staff

I can't run a whole magazine by myself. Even with my prodigious workrate. I'd need to hire some people to work under, over and adjacent to me. But again, I'd need to make sure they had no transferable skills whatsoever. Their CV would have to almost be blank - or just peppered with smudged fingerprints.

Every week we'd have a team meeting, at which taking minutes would be strictly prohibited. And we'd all be muffled by scarves, so no-one got the gist. The gist should be a fluttering, flittering snitch-like ball, and no-one would be allowed a broomstick.

People would get paid per word, but I wouldn't tell them which word it was until well after the relevant issue had gone to print.

If you'd like to apply for a staff job, please state your name and experience in the comments section below. Remember: if you know anything, or have ever done anything, we don't have anything for you at the current time.

3) Title

What will the magazine be called? As I've said, I'm not a fan of the pun-based title. We need something punchy, but not memorable. We want to recreate the concussed, addled haze of a retired prize-fighter. Our name will be on everyone's lips, but immediately washed away by drool.

It should also be difficult to spell.

Slueuve?

I'm just throwing it out there. We'll finalise plans in our first team meeting (which will be conducted underwater).

4) Distribution

We want a traditional business model. No marketing, no online presence, no headquarters. We want our magazine to be in the shops, but not prominently displayed. No supermarkets. That would be crass.

Ideally, we'll be placed in greengrocer's (near the red onions), or in stationery kiosks at the side of the motorway.

5) Price

Fifteen, I think. But we won't give a currency.

***

This project is just getting off the ground, so some of these suggestions are bound to change. In fact, I don't want it to get entirely off the ground. You need to stay partially grounded, even if you're a fictional magazine.

Imagine a pumpkin hoisted by balloons. You only want it to float so much that the belly of the pumpkin is brushing tall grass. If the pumpkin rises above waist-height, you've got yourself a problem.

I'm speaking to my accountant about this on Tuesday, so I'll let you know what she or he says (I have to find an accountant on Monday).

I'm cautiously optimistic. I've already pencilled in the outline of my first editorial and erased it. I have a feeling my readers are going to be pleasantly