Bless

I was just about to sneeze, when I suddenly felt overcome with panic.

It was the morning, and I hadn't spoken to many people or had many thoughts, so my faculties were still getting limber on the sidelines.

I panicked, because I realised I was about to sneeze and couldn't remember if that was the kind of thing that people did in public.

I know there are certain things that society expects us to do behind closed doors. Micturition for one. Defecation for two. That numbering system is well established.

I was at my desk in a quiet office, so other forms of bodily ablutions and excretions are also frowned, and in some cases tutted, upon.

But in that split second before the sneeze, so tired was my brain, I couldn't work out if sneezing was part of that list. It seemed indecent somehow: an involuntary release of face air. I was worried that I'd broken some kind of taboo; that I'd cause my colleagues to be disgusted with, at, and towards me. More than usual.

I could be fired for bringing the company into disrepute. The barbaric expulsion could have left me imprisoned or harangued by all and sundry.

These thoughts all rushed through my head moments before the sneeze did. It had begun - there was no turning back.

I sneezed. Luckily, I realised that sneezing at one's desk is permissible. It's not a sacking offence (at least not these days). Everything was OK.

I was so relieved that I shat myself.

***

Now that last line is much cruder than is my wont. But it did seem like the obvious punchline to that story. And the story needed some kind of ending, otherwise the whole thing could have been summarised by me saying "I sneezed".

That's not enough for a whole blog post. Even by my low standards.

So I went the crude route. Luckily, I was able to follow it up with this disclaimer, which will make my grandparents feel slightly less disappointed in me.

Using the phrase "my wont" is enough to counteract "shat myself". It's a one-to-one trade. Or in this case, a two-to-two.

Did anyone else hear that owl?

***

That seems to be everything that's in my head right now. I'm sure it will be full again soon (barring the odd sneeze exodus). Here's something nice to listen to: