Hands

Euphoria isn't a strong enough word. EuFIVEia. That's where I am right now.

The above isn't strictly true, but I thought I'd begin with some unbridled positivity. Of course, I had to throw that last sentence in there, which is a bridle if ever I saw one.

But bridles can be useful too. Without them, the horse(?) would gallop(?) into a ravine(?). I'm not much of an expert on horses (or ravines). For me, equestrianism is a prejudice against... uh... electronic... questrians.

I've never been on a horse. Not that I can remember. I think I was on a camel once, but I didn't ride it around. It was in a zoo, or a camel paddock.

I've been on a bike. They're like metal horses. You can't feed them oats, though.

I feel like I might be less of a man for not being a horse person. If a knight or a cowboy saw me now they'd be all like "My word! What manner of witchcraft is this? This fellow is wears neither jerkin nor dignity" and "Golly! Ah think ah've been suppin' on too much sarsaparilla, I reckin!" respectively.

A true man knows the feeling of a beast between his legs. He also never baulks at the spelling of 'sarsaparilla'. If that's the case, a true man I am not.

That's probably a sexist generalisation. Women are just as comfortable upon a horse. Riding another animal is a decidedly strange thing to do, no matter how your genitals are configured.

I'm going to stop talking about horses now.

***

I'm going to start talking about gloves now.

The best thing about wearing gloves is that they cover up all your racist hand tattoos.

The second best thing about wearing gloves is that you don't need to worry about fingerprints. You can commit all manner of thefts and murders, and you know no-one will be able to track you down. Glove fibres are a problem, I suppose. But they could belong to anyone. Fingerprints are notoriously unique. Glove fibres are all pretty similar, unless they're made of snowflakes or DNA. And mine aren't. Wool. Just wool.

If I ran the world, I'd outlaw glove finger tips. I'd require that the fingerprint area was exposed at all times. Why risk it? If people have nothing to hide, they won't mind leaving their finger ends exposed, will they? On a cold day, it would be slightly uncomfortable, but that's a small price to pay for getting all these gloved criminals behind bars.

The third best thing about wearing gloves is that they keep your hands warm.

The fourth best thing about wearing gloves is that you can pretend you're not wearing gloves and just have strangely wool-like hands. You can pretend that you were an outcast as a child (perhaps rejected by your parents like The Penguin in Batman Returns). You can claim that you were called a freak by the other children; that they shouted "woolly", "sheep mitts" and "The Fortune Tellers' Nightmare". And that you vowed revenge on all the smooth-palmed, dexterous-fingered ingrates, who haven't known a day's hardship in their lives.

You could hatch an elaborate scheme to kidnap all the first-born children of whatever city you live in, and have various fibres sewn into their perfect hands. See how they like it! Some people can have awful scratchy wool. Some can have Velcro glued to their hands, so that whenever they applaud, it takes them precious seconds to separate them. Ahahaha! Now who's the freak?! You'll rue the day you messed with Colonel Wool Hands! (You might have to join the armed forces to achieve the rank of colonel, or you could just lie, I suppose.)

The fifth best thing about wearing gloves is plumping them up, pretending there's a hand in there. Then hitting them with a hammer.

The sixth best thing about wearing gloves is rubbing your brow with a soft finger, and pretending that you're being comforted by Big Bird.

I'm going to stop talking about gloves now.

***

I'm going to start talkin' 'bout my generation now.

I think, by and large, we're probably the best-looking generation in human history. Though to be fair, I am bringing the average up.

There. That's a picture of me making a face. Like Ricky Gervais would do. And everybody likes him.

I'm going to stop talking now.