Oh yeah, I've remembered something I was going to write about. I could just edit the previous entry, but this way I can bump up my post total for June. I enjoy bending the rules, even if they're entirely arbitrary ones that I've invented, and no-one else cares about.
I may have written before about coming up with jokes or ideas in my dreams that seem really funny at the time, but turn out to be... not.
Some of them make sense, but aren't funny. And some are completely nonsensical.
A couple of weeks ago, I dreamt an amusing quip! It was well received in the dream-world. All the other people in the room (in my dream) thought it was funny. Consciousness proved that to be false. The quip was as follows:
A friend of mine asked me: "Who's your favourite person in The Lord of the Rings?"
And I, with a Wildean flourish, replied: "The projectionist, when he turned off the film at the end!"
This is an example of a joke that makes sense, but isn't funny. It presents a few problems:
1) I would have had to stay until the end of the credits for the film to be turned off
2) The same projectionist would have started the film - thus being my enemy
3) I don't even know if they have projectionists nowadays. It might be done by computers.
It might have worked if the projectionist had turned off the film in the middle. That way he would have cut my punishment short. But that would just be a lie.
"My favourite person? The projectionist when he turned off the film in the middle!"
"He turned it off in the middle? Why? Was there a problem? Did he get fired?"
"He... I.... *sob* It didn't happen, alright! I just don't like the film!"
And that is no quip.
That was one example of a dream-joke that was not wake-funny.
Last night, I came up with another one. This was a bit different. I woke up from the dream, and thought it was funny. Even in that state, I was consciously thinking: "I know most of my dream-jokes are rubbish, but this one is legitimately good. I'll have to remember it."
I even wished I had a pad of paper on my bedside table; so worried was I that this nugget of genius would be lost on its way down the wooden hill from Bedfordshire (even though we don't have stairs).
This was a real joke. A rare diamond. And here it is:
If you're ever about to get a blowjob from a horse, remember to hold your penis flat on your palm, so your fingers don't get bitten off.
Hilarious, I think you'll agree.
I like this joke for various reasons.
Firstly, it doesn't really make any sense. It's based on a piece of advice I heard as a child (which obviously stuck with me), that when feeding a horse, you need to keep the food on your upturned palm, rather than holding it in your fingers. I suppose the image of having your fingers bitten off by a horse was a vivid one for a young child.
Secondly, it implies that the penis would need to be held in that situation. Why would you need to hold it? It's already attached to the body.
Thirdly, I just like the opening to the joke: "If you're ever about to get a blowjob from a horse..." I like that my dreaming brain assumed this was a perfectly ordinary premise, that needed no further explanation. It just leaps right in there. Any joke that starts with that gambit is bound to be successful.
Finally, I like that, for the punchline to work, you need to navigate your way through all the above nonsensical elements, to the very small window of humour: ie. it's funny to worry about your fingers when you're about to put your cock in the horse's mouth. That's the only way it can be considered a joke.
It's funny that I believed this to be a legitimate joke in the middle of the night. But I suppose there are no rules at that time. The God of Appropriate, Coherent Comedy is all tucked up in his bed (made of banana peels and a big whoopee cushion).
I'll continue to report on my dream-jokes. At this rate, I'll have a whole dream-routine, ready for this summer's dream-Edinburgh Fringe.
I might win the If.Comedy award for best nocturnal performance (as long as those blasted owls don't come back this year).
The critical difficulty is that the projectionist does not fall within the class “person in Lord of the Rings”. So the joke fails to clear even the first hurdle of predicate calculus. As a distinguished PPEist yourself, I thought that would have been ingrained into your deepest slumber.
ReplyDeleteMoving the debate on, here is another possible formulation:
Q: “Which bit of Lord of the Rings did you enjoy the most?”
A: “The end credits!”
Now, “the end credits” are certainly part of the film. But, as you have so astutely commented in another context, the unfortunate inference is that you have stayed to watch the entire movie. Moreover, the fact that you not only watched the end credits, but enjoyed them, suggests that you took a keen interest in the people behind the film. Unless you back up the quip with a joke-ruining explanation, such as “Of course, the sole reason I particularly enjoyed the end credits was that I had not enjoyed the main body of the film and so was relieved to see that the film had ended”, the only possible inference is that your appreciation for the trilogy was so great, you stayed through the credits as a mark of personal gratitude to its creators.
On reflection, the joke may be better framed by reference to your experience in the cinema, to wit:
Q: “What did you enjoy most about going to see the Lord of the Rings?”
A: “The ride home!”
Whilst one reading of the response is that the ride home was enjoyable as an opportunity to discuss and share appreciation for the film itself, the principal innuendo is that the ride home was enjoyable as bringing an otherwise tiresome experience, viz., the film itself, to a close.
The only remaining problem is that the prompt question has a ring of artificiality to it. This, however, can be cured by planting the question to be asked, at an appropriate moment, by a close friend.
Or if all else fails: go with the horse blowjob gag?
ReplyDeleteI will dream more vigilantly and more critically tonight.