Broad Church

It's such a beautiful day that I thought I'd waste a large portion of it cataloguing my recent tweets. You only live once, so make sure you live like an arrogant pedant.

It has been some time since my last confession (tweet compendium), so I'm worried about the size of this task. I can only hope that I haven't been very prolific lately. "A vain hope!" says I, vainly.

If I make it through this, I'll reward myself with a trip outside. I can press my face against some grass and laugh and laugh and catch a squirrel.

What an age to be alive!

A lot of people have been asking about my criteria for selecting these tweets. (A lot of = 0)

Well, I leave out tweets that aren't jokes, tweets that only make sense in a specific context and jokes that are irredeemably awful. And the rest go here. You may see some that you think are irredeemably awful. It's certainly possible that some may have slipped through the net. But I'd rather err on the side of permissiveness. Tweet compendia should be broad churches. As should churches.

Without further ado, please welcome to the latest edition of:

Recent Tweets That Cut The Mustard

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I like it when people say "THAT's what I'M talkin' about!". We know what you're talking about. You're talking about it.

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You should never wear sandals and socks together if you're playing Tarzan.

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I'm a time orphan, so I'll never know who my real grandfather clock was. :-(

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I have recurring dreams where I'm failing.

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I think Robert Palmer is projecting.

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Vegetable surgeons have differing opinions on op onions.

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In France, all men are required by law to spend a short time as a woman. Everyone has fifteen minutes of femme.

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"We've been here for AGES, and we STILL haven't come up with a name for a 24 hour period. Let's call it a day." - Plato or someone.

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My handwriting has seriously deteriorated. My 'P' looks like a magnifying glass, and my 'H' is like a dead bird.

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The simplest journey a bee can make is from A to itself.

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In some cultures, the "thumbs up" gesture isn't a sign of approval, but is a way of saying "What's the deal with this stumpy side-finger?".

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Today I will attempt to achieve a state of oneness with the universe. Or, at most, twoness.

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Lick your Shift key. I left honey on it, for a treat.

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Several late-nighters, international conference calls, feedback from experts, and I STILL can't get my "foaling cabinet" tweet to work.

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I can touch the tip of my nose with this tongue I just found.

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A quarter of all people are half a woman. #statistics

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I'm waiting for my coffee to cool. There's a war in my head between the tiredness abolitionists and an anti-scalding faction.

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Film Pitch: BOOM AND BUST - Road movie featuring Basil Brush and a buxom actress breaking the sound barrier and declaring bankruptcy.

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Reality TV Pitch: PELICAN CROSSING - The day-to-day workings of a Pelican crossing. Meet regular crossers and discover their button secrets.

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Sitcom Pitch: SOME MOTHERS DON'T 'AVE 'EM - Madcap slapstick set in a poorly-run fertility clinic. A foetus Michael Crawford sings the theme

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I belong to a war pre-enactment society. They did the Gulf War in '85 & are currently doing something with cyborgs and "Space Conquistadors"

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I belong to a war de-enactment society. It's mostly exhuming veterans and sucking the bullets out.

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I belong to a Rowan Atkinson re-enactment society. But I'm probably not going to renew my membership.

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It's funny how some Valentine's Day cards arrive seven months late and look like an invoice.

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If pressed, I'd say I was high-quality apple juice.

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I pay attention in arrears.

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Sausage history is written by the Wieners.

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It's annoying when you've been absent-mindedly chewing an octopus and then you realise you've got ink on your mouth.

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I like to pretend I'm staying in a hotel by dialing '9' before calling the Samaritans.

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It's impossible to be unhappy whilst looking at, touching, smelling, listening to or tasting a duck.

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Gravy boatox makes your lips look WEIRD.

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I automatically translate the phrase "sort yourselves into teams" into the more accurate "prepare to be rejected by your peers". Saves time.

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If my woodwork teacher had been called Ewan "The Glue-Gun" McGooghan, I'd be sitting in a homemade MDF throne right now.

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I just combed my moustache. Am I a Colonel now?

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I'm not really a "cat person". That was just a costume.

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"Yes. Yes! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES!" - my answers to the following questions:

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1) Are you Paul? 2) Are you tired? 3) How many times have you seen the film Passenger 57? 4) Literally?

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According to my mum, my first word was "garbled". Seems harsh.

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I've had the same sarong stuck in my head for days.

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I always give money to the lifeboast charity. It's like the lifeboats, but with less saving people and more taunting the dead.

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The least convincing part of The Jetsons is that their daughter is called Judy. That name's going to be bred out by 2062.

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I came up with a tweet in my sleep last night. I do that quite a lot, and they're always disappointing in the morning. E.g. the following

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Why are the Ents in such a good mood? Because they have a tree-day weekend.

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Like a three-day weekend. But they're trees. See? I suppose they don't work a usual five-day week. It's a flawed concept.

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If I had a pound for every unwanted dog, it would be an unsustainable business model.

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I don't wait for inspiration to strike. I launch a preemptive attack.

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I'm my own sub-genre of human.

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I'm drinking a vanilla smoothie like a movie star! (Through the mouth)

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I wish people would stop telling me where to put my tiger cubs. It's a free country.

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What?! The Caramel Keg is now called the "Golden Barrel"? Outrageous. Then again, a Rose by any other name...

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I march to the beat of my own drum. The trouble is, my drum is full of coloured balls for the raffle draw.

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Siamese cats prefer to be called Conjoined cats nowadays.

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I'm approaching my daily mid-morning lull, but am taking preventative measures. A staple in the eye is nature's Red Bull!

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Those who do not learn from the mystiques of the past are doomed to repeat them.

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I got a paper round when I was a child, but it soon reverted to its original shape.

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A glue shop manager asks his staff to demonstrate products. BAD EMPLOYEE: "I'll show YOU who's boss!" GOOD EMPLOYEE: "I'll show UHUs, boss!"

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That last tweet was so tortured, they're using it in the new Saw movie.

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I can psychically transmit my spiritual essence into cans of oil. It's Castrol projection.

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If there's anything more satisfying than cutting into a hardboiled egg with the edge of a fork, PLEASE TELL ME.

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You should use a tea towel to dry off a teat owl.

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OFFICE FUN: Turn your monitor upside down. If anyone questions you, start talking like a bat/Australian.

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Quiet today. I've had to put my castanets on 'silent'.

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Film Pitch: DRIVING MYTH DAISY - A cow tells increasingly dubious motoring anecdotes (e.g. traffic lights don't apply to the Norse).

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Medical Equipment Pitch: STEPHOSCOPE - Listen to the internal noises of all Stephanies or Stephens. But not Stevens. Let them die.

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One-Man Play Pitch: SÉAMUS LAST WORDS - Séamus Last is about to die (mountain lion?) & must decide who to phone to say goodbye (low battery)

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I really need my own production company. I think I'd call it PRODUCTIO AD ABSURDUM.

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I really need my own production company. I think I'd call it at least once a day. Just to see how things were going.

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"You're your own worst enemy!" - Me (the bastard)

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It's been a long week. I'm looking forward to crawling into bed tonight. (I live in an igloo)

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If dragged away by the police, always say "NO! WAIT! THERE'S BEEN SOME SORT OF TERRIBLE MISTAKE!" so they know there's been a mistake.

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Every Friday, I like to look back on the events of the week and have a brief but moving regretrospective.

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I'm writing this in character.

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Someone wrote me an essay on full-fat milk. I just skimmed it...

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I brushed my teeth and now need to wait for the toothpaste taste to fade before having lunch. Now I know what Ramadan is like.

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I've started today as I mean to go on: carbon-based.

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The disease most common amongst conspiracy theorists is Malaria 51.

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I've trimmed my beard. I haven't got a system for doing it neatly, I just slice off the parts that I hate the most.

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It's a pink shirt day today. If you're not wearing a pink shirt, put on a pink shirt. If you're wearing a white shirt, start bleeding.

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The most flamboyant skiers are the Slalom Globetrotters.

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In my school leavers' book, I was voted "most unlikely".

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I always take off my hat when a woman enters the hat.

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500 years ago I would have been burned at the stake, because there wasn't much else to do back then.

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Sparkling water is like lemonade with all the hope sucked out of it.

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I might go on a helium spa weekend. My friends have been, and speak very highly.

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This morning I've been as busy as a bee, a beaver, a lever and Justin Bieber, all working in a call centre, all using the same phone.

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I keep my keys in my left back pocket. So if, at the end of the day, there are puncture wounds on my right buttock, I know something's wrong

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Simple Simon met a hymen. They weren't formally introduced. And now he's in prison. In Texas. Simon's simplicity was not taken into account.

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That last tweet will form part of my collection of 'Unpleasant Tales in Exactly 140 Characters', published this Christmas at gunpoint.

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Whenever I'm fishing for compliments, I feel guilty and have to throw them back.

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I've left my fact-a-day calendar on June 4. So that if there's a Pompeii-style volcanic preservation event, it will confuse archaeologists.

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I hate it when you ask someone on the street for directions, and they ask you to be more specific.

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I refuse to use the superfluous 'c' in Connectiut.

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"There's more to life than mortar life." (The bricklayer intervention began irreverently)

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I've just made a delicious Creole rice dish out of dishonest elephants. I call it JumboLiar. LIKE JAMBALAYA! GOOD AFTERNOON!

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Talking about "a bunch of grapes" is reductive. They all have their own distinct personalities. One might be sweet, one a kleptomaniac, etc.

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Turn the other cheek half way through cooking.

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Busy day at the anti-gravity soup factory. I haven't had time to catch my broth.

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I've got exactly the same number of scruples as I have rubles.

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Confuse bakers by asking for a "lophe of bredd". They'll act like they're not confused, but they are.

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I like peas, but hate chickpeas. I'm worried I might be a pea misogynist.

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"Equator! Equator! There's a fly in my soup!" "I'm sorry to hear that sir, but I'm currently marshalling hemispheres and have no spoon."

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I want to buy a wistwatch, but they don't have any in my sighs.

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I just snubbed my toe.

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I've just bought some shoes. I have a rigorous process. Are they size 11? Do they have a hole on top where the foot goes in? 2 yesses = SALE

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I can't think you enough.

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I'm going to have a 7pm shower. It's the luckiest time to have a shower. Especially if you're covered in congealing evidence!

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"It's lonely at the top" - The strapline for Introspecto's Circus turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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I really need to turn my efil around.

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If you want to burn down a deodorant factory, I have a Sure-fire solution.

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I'm going to climb into bed neck-first. Then the arch of my right foot. Then philtrum. Then, if there's time, the rest of me.

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I never know whether to give a big shout out to someone, or to divide it into bite-sized yelps.

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Never underestimate canine wisdom. You can't spell proverb without rover. #forced

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I just googled 'hot lacrosse buns'. For you. I DID IT FOR YOU.

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A baby-carrying bird keeps following me around. I think I'm being storked.

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If I made my own perfume, I think I'd call it "a poor business decision". I have no olfactory experience.

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My gran put her hair in curlers, and now the Winter Olympics are cancelled.

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The best way to watch Casablanca is whilst smoking a gin joint.

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When the moon is full, I transform into a dozen terrifying monsters. I'm a werezwölf.

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There's a + button on my monitor, which I can only assume is some kind of pixel hospital.

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I just googled 'hand tendons'. Not for a joke, or for personal research. Just because I'm bored.

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Q: What do you get if you leave a pig in the dryer? A: Bored after about eight minutes.

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The bee's knees only seem good in comparison to his AWFUL shins

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I'd like to see a flashback sequence in a film where a character just remembers something they once smelled.

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Serious question, guys: when you go for a manicure, do you get a discount for having missing fingers?

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Whenever JK Rowling closes a Dumbledore, she opens a Dumblewindow.

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Marsupials should always keep their offspring at roo temperature.

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"First comes flagellation, then comes adulation!" Opus Dei are trying to attract new members. #OpusDeidream

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Scientists now believe the dodo died out because they were such terrible conversationalists.

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Hanging baskets fall apart; the garden centre cannot hold.

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I don't think I've drunk enough water today. I just tried to lick my lips and it was like rubbing a scratchcard with a plectrum.

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Reminiscing about my time as a teacher never fails to bring a tear to the eyes in the back of my head.

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A watched pot never boils or forgives your lack of trust.

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Whenever I open a sealed envelope, I always check to see what's inside. It's funny the habits you fall into.

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I take a directional approach to etymology. If I don't know a word, I'll note it down, look it up, check it's right, then.. hm. What's left?

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Going to a funeral in a neckbrace was awful at the time. But now I can look back and laugh.

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A lot of people say to me: "...".

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Think about things from the hairbrush's point of view.

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This Halloween I'm dressing up as a ghost town. Gonna need a fucking big sheet.

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If you use swearing sparingly, it can help convince people you're a different kind of dick than they originally thought. Also, it rhymes.

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If I have an itchy eyebrow, I scratch the OTHER eyebrow. Just to show them who's boss.

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Feather, crop or knuckle - which is your favourite duster?

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I think the inventor of the snorkel must have let their idiot child name it.

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What exactly constitutes a sandwich? Because I'm about to eat a banana and I don't want any misunderstandings.

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My favourite Bond film is the one with the car and the woman. And those giant underground worms.

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I always keep a spare welcome mat under a pile of keys, just in case I lose my main one.

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The best thing about autumn is there's loads of interesting things on the pavement to kick. (The school term has started)

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I'll always hold a door open for a woman, but will hurry her through. Because I'm an urgentleman.

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If you right-click enough times, you get a special meta-menu where you can view the fundamental Properties of the universe.

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Sometimes I wonder what dogs are thinking. Then I realise they're probably thinking "I wonder what sticks are thinking". Dogs are idiots.

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At lunch, Lucy said: "Crucifixion is a horrible thing to do to someone. I can't believe it used to be de rigueur."

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The best indicator that someone is lying is if what they're saying turns out to be false.

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Oof. That was a clumsy sentence. But enjoyable. Like being bludgeoned by an entertaining maniac (entertainiac).

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Nobody calls me "Your Excellency" anymore. Not since I sold my crown and gun.

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Why did The Buggles only have one hit? Because nobody likes a squealer.

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I just need to clear my head. Of all charges.

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I'm feeling a bit odd today. Hopefully, by the end of the day I'll get even.

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I'm terribly sorry. I should have warned you before, but now it's too late. Your sides have split.

I hope you have a lot of kitchen roll.