Every time I see the little preview of my blog posts on Facebook, I look at the first few lines and they always make me sound like an annoying idiot. It's always the same stupid, annoying tone. "Ooh, I'm offbeat," it seems to say. Well, I'm not offbeat. I'm a normal human man. If I was my own friend on Facebook, I'd block myself.
I think the Facebook preview will be over by now, so I can confess: I am offbeat. I'm not a normal human man.
I take a sideways look at life.
I've built a special periscope. If I turn it on you, it will seem like you have one ear for a beard (a "bEARd" if you will) and one for a hat. Because your head would be sideways.
If you were actually wearing a bEARd and an ear-hat, and I took a sideways look at you, they would look like actual ears.
OK, I admit it. I'm not offbeat. I hate people who are offbeat. I'm onbeat, but have painted myself with an offbeat brush in an attempt to cover up my deficiencies.
But I'm not here to talk about me, I'm here to talk about shirking (and me).
***
I'm not shirking my responsibilities. Or am I?
I don't know what my responsibilities are.
Maybe one of my responsibilities is to shirk.
If so, I can't help but shirk. But then I've shirked my way into a paradox.
All shirk and no play makes Paul a dull boy.
All work and no shirk makes Kirk... a... berk.
I don't like to spell 'berk' that way. It looks wrong, but I believe it's short for Berkshire Hunt. It's rhyming slang.
Which means we're pronouncing 'berk' wrong, and my little rhyme doesn't werk.
My berk is worse than my beight.
I was thinking about doing a tweet about shirking, but thought of too many possibilities. I got caught in shirk-infested waters, and was unable to escape.
So I'm going to put all shirk-related items here. Of course, I've already written most of them, and looking at them in the cold light of day, they're really not impressive.
The word 'shirk' in English has historically been used interchangeably with 'shark', meaning 'to avoid' and loads of other stuff to do with villainy, sharks, and parasites.
But in Islam, the word means something quite different. It's from a different root - širk, meaning 'to share' - and refers to idolatry or polytheism. 'Shirk' in Islam is a pretty serious offense, as you're not treating Allah as the one true God.
In this sense, I suppose I have committed Shirk. So I've Shirked, but not shirked.
Though I've probably shirked too.
There are loads of sub-divisions of Shirk too. I like the idea of 'secret Shirk' particularly, as it seems like something Inspector Clouseau would do.
It's funny that the two words, though separate, have similar meanings: they equate to a dereliction of duty.
But I don't think shirking is too bad. I'm happy to be a heretic and and a layabout. The only important thing is your duty to yourself.
And luckily, I have very low standards.
I'm going to keep deliberately shirking and accidentally Shirking, because we can only glean meaning by avoiding any gleanliness whatsoever.
In France, shirking is almost mandatory. In fact, they even ignore their duty to the sun. I believe they call it Shirk du Soleil.
AHAHAHA!
A JOKE! A PROPER(ish) JOKE!
It was all worth it.
Sean Connery didn't like to publicise his evasion - he didn't want it turning into a media shirkus.
MEDIA SHIRKUS!
AH AH AAAAAHHH!
IT DOESN'T QUITE WORK!
I couldn't be bothered to get a pubic wig, so I got a shirkin!
Aah. Heh. Not... AHA... no, it's just... you know... Didn't really... I mean, it's not as funny as the last two. And... a bit coarse for my tastes. Not everyone knows what a merkin is anyway, and...
I mean, still! It certainly works as a joke! Even if it's not... a... funny one.
What about another shark=shirk joke? Great White Shirk, etc?
Well, you already did 'shirk-infested waters' up there. I mean, maybe it was a mistake to use it so early. But you probably don't want to use 'shark' again. You don't want to repeat yourself.
Shirkish Delight?
That's fine. I guess. You might need a clever framework to enhance it. You can't just write that down and expect people to laugh. That's really just a punchline.
... what about-
Can I just interrupt? If you're thinking about some kind of 'shirking off' remark, I'd appreciate you keeping it to yourself. You know how I feel about vulgarity.
I wasn't going to suggest that.
Well, what were you going to say?
Uh... umm... it was...
It was 'shirking off', wasn't it?
Yes.
Shall we stop now?
I suppose so.
How did we let this get so far?
Maybe it was just a shirk of fate?
... ...
Like 'quirk of fate?'
I KNOW.
I know.
Well done. Good shirkwork.
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